Today I advised my cousin:
- Give yourself permission to be who you are.
- Tell yourself that you’re okay just the way you are. Yes even the anger, flaws, worries, smoking habit, loves, interests, and all that stuff going on inside your head, and everything you share, and everything you don’t share with everyone else. Yes, even whatever you just thought of. All of it, it’s okay and so are you.
- You are only one person. You can only do what you can do, regardless of how much you want to do.
- You are strong enough to hold how you feel.
He was quiet a while, processing what I said. He told me that what currently helps him is to:
- Ask yourself if this will matter in 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years.
I think we both might know more then we give ourselves credit for…
Still don’t have a new job. I’ve been on a few interviews but either didn’t get he job or I didn’t want the job. I finally experienced having an interview and not getting the job. It really sucks and I could have done without that particular experience. I had two phone and one in person interviews with the study abroad company I wanted to work for. They instead went with some guy instead of me. I don’t know why. I’m telling myself it is because he studied at one of their programs but I don’t really know.
In other news…Fiance got fired. It happened a couple of days after my official last day at the call center. His boss, the store manager was a nice about it since the order came from the district manager. He “let” Fiance quit instead of being fired. Now we have our savings, last paychecks, taxes, and too much time. At first I tried to tell myself it must be a sign from the universe. If it is, then I’m not sure what we’re supposed to be doing. I wish it was to move to another country but with my family’s health the way it is, I just can’t see that happening. I feel so lost. I don’t know what I want to do other than write. It also sucks because I’ve really lost confidence in myself AGAIN.
The jobs that seem the most interesting feel so unattainable. Maybe I should look at getting my Master’s Degree. But in what? See, I lack direction and confidence. I just want something I can be passionate about. There’s so much I want to do in life but I just feel like I’m settling into dissatisfaction and regret. I don’t know how to change my situation, or even if I want to. What else would I do?
LIFE IS SO HARD! I’m not sure I like being a grownup…
Also, I’m terrible at managing friendships. I just ignore people until they finally forget about me. I don’t know why I do that.
Maybe I really should get a cave in Peru? Then I might just disappear though… Escape into my cave library with internet access and just diffuses into nonexistence. I need my confidence back! I need to believe in myself again! I don’t need to move to a secret library lair in a cave and become a hermit. That’s probably not the best idea I’ve ever had… even if it does sound the most appealing… I would have red and purple and orange cushions and soft rugs and a view of the ocean from my cave. And a postal service that delivered ancient books and manuscripts to me whenever I wanted them. And an ice cream machine.
Tonight is the night before I start my new job. I am having trouble sleeping. It might be the Mountain Dew I drank with dinner…but it definitely is partially due to excitement and nervousness! After so long in a warehouse, the thought of dressing nicely and sitting all day is a bit daunting. I admit secretly that I feel out of place. I helped someone with their resume a couple of days ago and had to wonder if I’m afraid. That’s really sad! Has my confidence really become so shaken? Yes… yes, it has. I hope I can gain more confidence in the coming weeks. Until then I will fake it. Hopefully no one will notice the difference.
I’m not having fun with the wedding planning. We can’t do any planning without a date or a venue. The venues are all going to be obscenely expensive! I feel ill just thinking about it. Also, my parents are really unsupportive of the date. There are a few reasons why: heat, school, soon, and cost. I don’t know if they can help financially at all or not. Realistically, I think not so I don’t really know where that leaves Fiance and I. Like I said… not having fun! I don’t want to waste time looking at and worrying about something that may never happen in the first place.
I feel selfish being so happy about my new job and planning a wedding when there’s such sadness, chaos, and problems in the lives of the people I care about. Maybe it’s a symptom of my lack of confidence.
Also, I’m scared to attempt P90X again. There are so many what ifs involved. I want to be smaller. I want to be a size 10! I know I can do it but it feels like a long hard road. I went shopping at Marshall’s for new business casual work clothes. It was a really unique experience because it was so much fun! I really had a great time and I was quite successful! I need to keep losing weight so I can continue to have positive shopping experiences! We need to eat healthy again but it’s hard because it is so expensive.
Also, cooking is meh.
Maybe things will be different with this new job. With so much changing so fast I don’t feel like it has all sunk in yet. I haven’t quite landed on my feet or found my footing. Time will help but with time comes more change. I am so much better already and I feel happier.
I need to allow myself to bask in joy and love and remember to smile.