Brightest Side of Bright

So much has happened since my last entry!  (As usual!)  I filed for unemployment for my birthday.  It was extremely hard for me to do it but I’m glad I did because we need the money.  I should definitely have done it sooner!  I have been working for 10 years and never used it and that is what it is supposed to be there for… times when you are trying to find a job and are just unsuccessful. That about sums up what I’ve been going through.

I went on a bunch of interviews but it was all scams, collections, or a pyramid scheme!  I loathe people who take advantage of people who are already down!  I’m trying desperately to find a job and instead of real offers these fake scams keep targeting me and I keep almost falling for them!  It’s awful and scary!

Luckily I went on a real interview with a company that looks really interesting!  The position is an Inventory Administration.  I applied because I seemed uniquely qualified for the position with my past work history and my degree but I wasn’t too excited about it because I don’t want to go back to inventory… But I applied because I thought I could get it.  I hadn’t felt so great about an interview since my first job out of college, the warehouse job! I totally rocked the interview!  And I asked three different ways about the job to make sure it was actually interesting and computer based and not bin stocking or lame.  It really seems like the perfect fit for me!  It uses my degree AND my past work experience!  I’m SO excited!!! They called me back the next day and offered me the job!!!! YAY!!!  It pays a little bit less then my last job but that’s okay because it will not crush my soul!  Also it is Mon-Fri from 7-4!  And I will have my own desk and everything!  And there’s not even a ceiling support column sharing my desk space with me!  It’s a real whole desk!  Also- they are excited about my wedding!!  They wanted me to start that Monday and it was Thursday when they called!  I said yes and still have flexibility with my schedule and have time off for the wedding!  The job is awesome so far!  Lots of learning and organizing and data entry and cycle counts!  It’s like all the parts of my old job that I liked and I get paid WAY more to do it!  I really see this job as a blessing!  For the first time, I can see a future with a company.  I see myself on at least  a three year plan with them  It’s VERY exciting and doesn’t crush my soul!!!  Also, we totally live in the future!  There is some really interesting stuff going on at my company!  OMG! Also, on my 4th day of work, my boss’s boss let me know he volunteered me to look over the GIANT contract proposal people have been working on for months, because, you know, I have a degree in English and do technical writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WAS BLOWN AWAY by this!  My old jobs never volunteered me for anything positive or interesting!

I’m so happy!  I feel like a champagne bottle filled with joy and excitement!  What an incredibly positive feeling!  Finally, I feel like things are looking up.  I sort of feel like I’d hit rock bottom.  I plan on using ti to build a foundation for my new, more positive, and less stressed future!

Also, I discovered SMASH Books! They are totes fabulous!  It’s like starter scrap-booking for dummies.  And I love it because it is a junk drawer journal that is messy AND beautiful! ❤ So wonderful!

And my cousin is doing so much better!  She’s dealing with stuff now instead of just using distractions to avoid her feelings.  I believe we’re helping each other heal.  I appreciate her friendship a lot and I’m continually surprised by how awesome she is!

Also, she and my future twin planned me an EPIC bachelorette party!  It was super fun!  I dubbed all us ladies the “Glitteratzi” We were!  8 girlfriends plus myself and NO ONE puked, cried, or had drama!!! Everyone just had a fabulous time!  And, I got “exactly as drunk as I wanted to be!” Wooo!  What a party! I was still drunk the next morning at 6am!  LoLz!  I was hungover that afternoon though… ugh!  LoL It was still worth it!

I’m getting married next week! HOLY SHIT! I’m getting married.  Next week! WOW!  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here!  Time seems to have passed very quickly but it is strange because so much has changed in the time I’ve been engaged!  I feel ready for marriage and to “begin” our lives together.  I am also definitely ready for the wedding to be over!  It’s turned out to be nightmarishly expensive!  Also, people have gone crazy about it from the stress.  I just want the spending to stop and the love to flow like it used to!  My poor mom and mother in law… I am saying special prayers for their health and sanity and happiness!  The amount of money we’ve spent on the wedding is staggering…and beggaring… I literally don’t know how my parents have done it!  The final payment for the venue is due a week from tomorrow and we’ll need to “find” another few thousand dollars.

I wish my grandparents could be at the wedding.  My heart aches a bit with their absence.  Lots of other people are coming but I will really miss them.  They have always loved and supported me and Fiance. They actually knew he was the one even before I was ready to admit it to myself.  I hope we can travel like they have.  It is something I aspire to and admire about them.  Fiance and I can’t afford a honeymoon right now.  I had initially thought the wedding would be  a certain price.  It is more then twice that now so there is no way.  Fiance still never got his passport.  I’m still mad about it too…

We are talking about buying a house.  I don’t know if I want one or if I would rather travel, or if I want a newer car… The AC on my car is out.  It will cost $700 to fix.  All the money I’ve dumped into that car… I could have bought something new for sure.  I don’t really have a plan after the wedding past paying off the wedding and not doing more wedding stuff!  Maybe we’ll get a cat… I still would rather have a dog.

It feels like I’m nearing the end of another chapter in my life.  I can see the white space just ahead.  I am apprehensive and excited about it.  I will release the cork and pop/shoot my excitement and my joy into that black space that I can finally see is filled with optimism.

 

I’ll Become a Hermit!

Still don’t have a new job.  I’ve been on a few interviews but either didn’t get he job or I didn’t want the job.  I finally experienced having an interview and not getting the job.  It really sucks and I could have done without that particular experience.  I had two phone and one in person interviews with the study abroad company I wanted to work for.  They instead went with some guy instead of me.  I don’t know why.  I’m telling myself it is because he studied at one of their programs but I don’t really know.

In other news…Fiance got fired.  It happened a couple of days after my official last day at the call center.  His boss, the store manager was a nice about it since the order came from the district manager.  He “let” Fiance quit instead of being fired.  Now we have our savings, last paychecks, taxes, and too much time.  At first I tried to tell myself it must be a sign from the universe.  If it is, then I’m not sure what we’re supposed to be doing.  I wish it was to move to another country but with my family’s health the way it is, I just can’t see that happening.  I feel so lost. I don’t know what I want to do other than write.  It also sucks because I’ve really lost confidence in myself AGAIN.

The jobs that seem the most interesting feel so unattainable.  Maybe I should look at getting my Master’s Degree.  But in what?  See, I lack direction and confidence.  I just want something I can be passionate about.  There’s so much I want to do in life but I just feel like I’m settling into dissatisfaction and regret.  I don’t know how to change my situation, or even if I want to.  What else would I do?

LIFE IS SO HARD!  I’m not sure I like being a grownup…

Also, I’m terrible at managing friendships.  I just ignore people until they finally forget about me.  I don’t know why I do that.

Maybe I really should get a cave in Peru?  Then I might just disappear though… Escape into my cave library with internet access and just diffuses into nonexistence.  I need my confidence back!  I need to believe in myself again!  I don’t need to move to a secret library lair in a cave and become a hermit.  That’s probably not the best idea I’ve ever had… even if it does sound the most appealing… I would have red and purple and orange cushions and soft rugs and a view of the ocean from my cave.  And a postal service that delivered ancient books and manuscripts to me whenever I wanted them.  And an ice cream machine.

Laid Off

So much has changed between entries… I should really write more often.  The job turned out to totally suck!!!  I never did convince myself to believe in the company so I wasn’t very good at convincing people to go thousands of dollars in debt to go there.  Despite how unhappy I was, I made great money so I decided to try and get students so I could stay at the job.  It was so terrible to keep trying and to keep not being successful.  It was really frustrating because I constantly asked for more training on how to do better but never received it.  I tried studying on my own after work too and it just ended up getting me in more trouble because I was using “unapproved language.”  There were a lot of trainings that were required for everyone, but none of those trainings were specifically to help me.

I read between the lines of the company and it looks like they’re going to go on accreditation probation status in April.  I knew cutbacks and layoffs were coming but I didn’t think it would be me because I was really trying and I was doing much better as I got more experience.  It ended up being a game of “does my student count yet?”  The answer was never the same for two students in a row.

What happened was this – I was told I have 30 days to meet specific standards or I would be terminated.  Or, I could choose to take a buyout option.  That option means I’m still getting paid and I’m still an employee but I don’t go back to work.  They definitely made it seem like they wanted me to stay and had all these plans for how they were finally going to help me and get me more training.  Instead I took the buyout option and cleaned out my desk!  🙂

My stupid boss cried and hugged me when I left!  I couldn’t believe it!  She was so useless and now she’s cried on me! Ugh!  Bitches keep crying when I leave their teams!  My old boss teared up too and she seemed to hate me but I thanked her for the experience of working for her and for giving me a chance with the company when I left.  I will never understand people.  I told this boss that I wished her well and good luck and she teared up and told me how nice I am and that she hopes I can find a job I’ll enjoy.

I’m excited I don’t have to go back! I’m terrified of what will happen now though.  I don’t know what I want to do for work anymore either.  I know I want to write but when I left the warehouse job my boss kept all the writing I had done so I don’t have any business writing in my portfolio.  I definitely want to stay the hell away from call centers though, that’s for sure!  The clock is now ticking and I’m praying we will be ok financially.

I’m sure I will find something but I hope it is soon…

 

Another Interesting Day

Today was an interesting day.  Work was good/alright.  My enthusiasm has drained away the later it gets and is replaced with tiredness.  I’m just tired.  And I’m tired of all the drama in CollegeTown with “friends.”

I want to see Boyfriend this weekend, but not really anyone else.  I also don’t want to stay in the apartment that no longer feels like home.  Boyfriend called last night at 10 ( I was already asleep but it woke me up).  It was great to hear from him!  He also called me a little while ago.  He even sent me a text today!  I suppose he IS trying… I guess I just want some more romance.  Really I just want him here, with me, and  in our own space again and away from all the drama…

After my one-on-one with my supervisor today I’m once again wary that I’ve been duped and the job is not what was presented in my interview.  (Author’s Note:  It wasn’t.  I WAS duped!) It appears that what I’m doing daily is IT for my current job.  This is not just some test or me just being in training still.  This really is it.  If I want to learn other skills, I can, so that if/when I apply for a promotion I’ll be a more likely candidate.  Then I continue the practice of doing work I’m not paid to know/do.  I think the about is the gist of the situation.  My daily normal duties are essentially bin stocking.  That’s all.  If I want more and my bins are stocked then I am allowed to train in another area, like some computer task my supervisor grudgingly allows me to see.  I really think I might have been duped.  If so, and it is still unclear if that’s true, I am not amused.  I’m not gonna lie (at least not here to myself in secret), this job pretty much sucks.  It’s not all that interesting; it’s not a challenge; there’s not much variety; there’s no stimulation; and my coworkers are a wide range of mostly dull people.  It’s not all that physically challenging, just annoying: two main challenges: compensation for being short as the main challenge and not being able to breathe because I’m allergic to all the dust and the pollen that billows in the warehouse from the semi docks.  I keep getting bloddy noses and have started to wear a mask during the day to try and prevent them.  Two of my coworkers are readers, but there’s not really time to talk with them.  I’m still optimistic, I think I will be working towards a transfer as soon as possible though.  I wish it was a gtood as I’ve been hoping it would be.  I hope it will get better.

I want a Totoro hat!  I saw one in today’s Questionable Content!

The weather has turned cold!  Sleeping with wet hair last night was – frankly – STUPID!  I’m considering switching beds because Roommate still keeps offering to let me stay in her bed.  I’m currently stubbornly sticking it out.

I quite secretly think she may have hidden cameras around her house.  It seriously creeps me out but would be fitting with the way she is.  The most disturbing part is as crazy as the idea of her having hidden cameras is, I genuinely can’t rule out the possibility because it is less crazy then other things she does… Sometimes I walk into a room and yell at her while looking at various objects that seem like they could hide a camera.  Living here is making me feel insane.  The ugly prison wall green she painted the living room is seriously not helping either.  I haven’t told anyone else these things because it makes me feel crazy and I’m terrified of going crazy.

I did have to turn off my faerie music (squeaky fans) as a concession to the chilly weather.  Who knows what I’ll do this weekend.  My mom was so sad when she called.  Boyfriend was also sad.  I miss my family.  It’s too hard trying to live in three cities at once.  I feel like I’m stretching thinner and thinner and I’m not sure how far I can stretch before I break…