Ending with Bliss

I’m married!  I’m now RealFirstName RealMiddleName NewRealLastName!!!!  We’ve had such a wonderful journey together and we capped it off with a wonderful wedding!  There were 98 people, a rocking DJ, excellent food, fabulous cake, amazing flowers, and Fiance/Husband!  Now, as I’m writing, I’m SO tired but I want to remember all the fun details about the whole weekend!  I’m not sure where to begin.  I’m so happy!  It was a beautiful ceremony filled with laughter and tears of joy!  Everyone had such a great time.  This event is the beginning of a New Chapter.  This journal is complete and I will begin a new one with my next entry.  This chapter has lasted three years.  I am once again in the space between chapters.  It is the breath before the speech, the start of the road towards happily ever after…

To Grandma or Not to Grandma

So a weird thing is going on and I’m not sure how to feel about it.  My dad’s mom has gotten in contact with me recently.  She sent a card and $50 after I got engaged.  I sent a thank you card in response.  Then she sent us a $100 and a card around Christmas.  Again, I sent a thank you card in response.  Then my dad starts telling me she wants me to call her.  I haven’t and I’ve resisted his attempts to make me, just like I have for years.  My feeling has always been that she is the grown up in our relationship.  If she wants a relationship then she needs to initiate it.  Then in February, she sent a card and a heart shaped thing of decorative pink plastic rosebuds.  They are completely useless in every way!  They don’t smell good, they’re not good for anything, and they’re pink!  WTF?!?!?  Then she called me and left me a voice mail.  I am SO CONFUSED!  I finally mailed a thank you cared today after two (at least) conversations with my dad about it and one with my mom (on his behalf (she later told me)).  I don’t want a relationship with this woman.  I’ve always felt like her and her husband tried to buy my love instead of actually loving or spending time or showing affection or interest in my life.  I’m really upset because graduating from high school wasn’t enough for them to care.  Graduating from college in four years, debt free also wasn’t enough to get her involved with my life.  Now I’ve closed that door and moved on and now that I’m getting married, now suddenly she’s interested in having a relationship with me?!  Last time I spoke to her was around my college graduation three years ago.  She didn’t want to talk about anything other then the fact I’d been dating Fiance-Then-Boyfriend for over two years.  We haven’t spoken since.  I finally purged the negative guilt inflicting me about my relationship with EXBF and it feels like my dad’s mom is trying to slide right into that unfulfilled “gap” in my life.  I’m not sure I want that to happen or if I’ll even allow it.  I’ve always said all she had to do was call me.  Well, after almost 25 years of life she finally did call me and it turns out it’s not good enough. It’s too little too late.  I don’t need or want her in my life.  I’ve been so hurt by that woman and her husband that I won’t even call them my grandparents.  I don’t want to open myself up to that again.  Even though my grandma (my mom’s mom) is not doing well, she is still the Grandma Standard in my life.  She has always loved and accepted me for who I am regardless of what’s been going on in my life.  She has always embraced whoever I brought with me to her house and made them feel welcome, whether it was a friend growing up, a college roommate, or a boyfriend or my Fiance.  her and Grandpa were the first ones tot totally accept and love and embrace Fiance as my future life partner.  Their acceptance helped me realized how Fiance was going to be that future in actuality.  My parents love and accept Fiance even if they all have had some rough patches in their relationship.  I miss my grandparents so much!  My dad’s mom will never fill the void that grandma has always filled.  I don’t even want to give her the chance to try.  Maybe someday I’ll regret it but for now I don’t want to open that door to my heart and let her back into my life.

Realizations Dawning

Today was an interesting day filled with an array of emotions.  I thought about my life and had some realizations.  In no particular order here they are:

I keep thinking silly things about my job like, “So, this is how the other side lives…” This job doesn’t require a degree and in the warehouse you only make $10 an hour which is not enough to live on.  People mostly just have high school degrees or GEDs here and are almost entirely uninterested in the world outside their daily lives and are often unmotivated.  They’re resigned to their lots in life it seems. The problem with thoughts like these is that I realized I was thinking I was apart from “those people” I work with everyday. No.

I realized today that this really is my real life. 

This really is my job.

There’s no future in this position; no options for moving up, or making more money.

It is not going to improve.

I keep waiting for it to improve; I keep trying, but it’s just not going to happen.  My hands and arms are cut and torn up from all the boxes and shelves and physical labor of the job.  My hands are rough and course and my nails are jagged and short.  My feet hurt pretty much all the time but because I wear good shoes they’re soft and my toenails look great!  (They’re currently painted Hot Flower Pink.)  I work four days a week but those days are hard.  Early start, hard work, long hours, and half the time also mandatory overtime leave me exhausted, grumpy, achy, and unmotivated.  By the time I get home I usually just want to lay down and go to sleep.  Sometimes I want dinner, but not usually.  Sometimes (frequently to my dismay) I’m even too tired to shower (standing more- NO WAY!)  Also, I get home but I have to go to bed so early I feel like I don’t have time to do the things I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.

If I had gone to Graduate School right after graduation, I would be halfway done at this very moment.  Instead, I’m living with two guys in BigCity working a deadend job for crap pay with approximately $50 to my name (and about $3,000 in credit card debt.)

I’m still not writing. I keep making excuses and hesitating.  Today I realized that not only does the world, my generation, not only do I need my book to be written, but we need it written NOW.  Not in two years, or whenever I get around to it.  I could positively impact the world with my stories if I could only write them down and get them out there.  I want to do that.  I just need to just do it.  (Author’s Note: But I didn’t.  Even this realization didn’t give me the kick in the pants to get it written. I was still too worried about getting it right.  I didn’t finished the first draft of my first novel until 2012.  Now I’m editing it.  I still believe I need to get it into the world and I’m working towards it.)

I need to put on my big girl panties and get a real job.  I’ve fallen into this job and now I’m drowning.  I keep getting low expectations, low standards, low appreciation, and no change and it has made me lower my own standards.  That is unaccetable to me.  It is difficult to admit and even harder to write but today I realized the importance of being honest with myself.  If I can’t be honest about where I’m at then there is no way I can begin to change my circumstances.

I need to value myself enough to do what is important to me.

I need to be at work on time because it makes me feel good.  Just because being on time doesn’t matter to my boss, coworkers, or company doesn’t mean I need to show up late everyday.  Just because I’m the only one who is on time doesn’t mean I should slack off.  Just because I seem to be the only one who cares does not mean that I should care less.  It also doesn’t mean that we are unimportant or that what we do is not important.

I am important.

I make a positive difference.  It might be in small ways but it does matter that I care.

I’ve gotten so down and had my soul so crushed by this job that today I actually had to ask myself if I had finally broken.

I have NOT broken!  I have bent and I will heal.

I will escape this job and leave the people behind better off then when I started the job.

I will move onward and upward.

The world is still my oyster.

I will not let this reality become my only reality.

I will change my surroundings to create and shape the reality where I can be happy.

I am finding a better job.

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years.  Someday we will get married.  We are going to travel.

I am happy and I am going to fight for it.

I deserve to be happy and will not stop once I find happiness.

I will not settle.