Today I advised my cousin:
- Give yourself permission to be who you are.
- Tell yourself that you’re okay just the way you are. Yes even the anger, flaws, worries, smoking habit, loves, interests, and all that stuff going on inside your head, and everything you share, and everything you don’t share with everyone else. Yes, even whatever you just thought of. All of it, it’s okay and so are you.
- You are only one person. You can only do what you can do, regardless of how much you want to do.
- You are strong enough to hold how you feel.
He was quiet a while, processing what I said. He told me that what currently helps him is to:
- Ask yourself if this will matter in 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years.
I think we both might know more then we give ourselves credit for…
Tonight is the night before I start my new job. I am having trouble sleeping. It might be the Mountain Dew I drank with dinner…but it definitely is partially due to excitement and nervousness! After so long in a warehouse, the thought of dressing nicely and sitting all day is a bit daunting. I admit secretly that I feel out of place. I helped someone with their resume a couple of days ago and had to wonder if I’m afraid. That’s really sad! Has my confidence really become so shaken? Yes… yes, it has. I hope I can gain more confidence in the coming weeks. Until then I will fake it. Hopefully no one will notice the difference.
I’m not having fun with the wedding planning. We can’t do any planning without a date or a venue. The venues are all going to be obscenely expensive! I feel ill just thinking about it. Also, my parents are really unsupportive of the date. There are a few reasons why: heat, school, soon, and cost. I don’t know if they can help financially at all or not. Realistically, I think not so I don’t really know where that leaves Fiance and I. Like I said… not having fun! I don’t want to waste time looking at and worrying about something that may never happen in the first place.
I feel selfish being so happy about my new job and planning a wedding when there’s such sadness, chaos, and problems in the lives of the people I care about. Maybe it’s a symptom of my lack of confidence.
Also, I’m scared to attempt P90X again. There are so many what ifs involved. I want to be smaller. I want to be a size 10! I know I can do it but it feels like a long hard road. I went shopping at Marshall’s for new business casual work clothes. It was a really unique experience because it was so much fun! I really had a great time and I was quite successful! I need to keep losing weight so I can continue to have positive shopping experiences! We need to eat healthy again but it’s hard because it is so expensive.
Also, cooking is meh.
Maybe things will be different with this new job. With so much changing so fast I don’t feel like it has all sunk in yet. I haven’t quite landed on my feet or found my footing. Time will help but with time comes more change. I am so much better already and I feel happier.
I need to allow myself to bask in joy and love and remember to smile.
Am I still the same person if I’m different when I can’t breathe? I haven’t been able to breathe for five years… How can I still be my idea of who I am, complete with all my new and past experiences if I don’t take into account how I act and actually interact with the world? I think of myself as active and outgoing but I don’t do much that’s active. In fact, I’m so inactive I thought being active at my job would case me to lose weight and get into better shape (like I used to be when I could breathe). It doesn’t seem to have worked. I’m still overweight and I still can’t breathe. I have about 6 work t-shirts and only one pair of jeans. I’m not how I think of myself. I wonder now if I’m overweight, scruffy, and boring. I don’t think so but it’s a worrisome and lingering thought. I guess I need to figure out how to change… either my perceptions or my reality need to change because things are not how I want them to be. Uh-oh…
(Author’s Note: The not being able to breathe references my severe allergies to CollegeTown and the surrounding area. Growing up I didn’t have any allergies but when I went to college I ended up with phemonia twice, seasonal asthma, and bronchitis 4-6 times a year. I had weekly allergy shots, had to take 3 daily allergy medications, and carry around an inhaler. I was taking all those medications and still getting that sick. It really sucked. There is literally nothing scarier then not being able to breathe. When you can’t breathe you can’t even say that you can’t breathe. Also the whole lack of enough oxygen thing makes me incredibly tired ALL THE TIME. It’s hard to be social and be physically active when you wheeze walking across a room… The Bright-Side: In BigCity I only take one daily allergy medicine and only get Bronchitus once or twice a year! The climate is very similar but I think there is too much concrete for the allergens to thrive like they do in CollegeTown.)