Realizations Dawning

Today was an interesting day filled with an array of emotions.  I thought about my life and had some realizations.  In no particular order here they are:

I keep thinking silly things about my job like, “So, this is how the other side lives…” This job doesn’t require a degree and in the warehouse you only make $10 an hour which is not enough to live on.  People mostly just have high school degrees or GEDs here and are almost entirely uninterested in the world outside their daily lives and are often unmotivated.  They’re resigned to their lots in life it seems. The problem with thoughts like these is that I realized I was thinking I was apart from “those people” I work with everyday. No.

I realized today that this really is my real life. 

This really is my job.

There’s no future in this position; no options for moving up, or making more money.

It is not going to improve.

I keep waiting for it to improve; I keep trying, but it’s just not going to happen.  My hands and arms are cut and torn up from all the boxes and shelves and physical labor of the job.  My hands are rough and course and my nails are jagged and short.  My feet hurt pretty much all the time but because I wear good shoes they’re soft and my toenails look great!  (They’re currently painted Hot Flower Pink.)  I work four days a week but those days are hard.  Early start, hard work, long hours, and half the time also mandatory overtime leave me exhausted, grumpy, achy, and unmotivated.  By the time I get home I usually just want to lay down and go to sleep.  Sometimes I want dinner, but not usually.  Sometimes (frequently to my dismay) I’m even too tired to shower (standing more- NO WAY!)  Also, I get home but I have to go to bed so early I feel like I don’t have time to do the things I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.

If I had gone to Graduate School right after graduation, I would be halfway done at this very moment.  Instead, I’m living with two guys in BigCity working a deadend job for crap pay with approximately $50 to my name (and about $3,000 in credit card debt.)

I’m still not writing. I keep making excuses and hesitating.  Today I realized that not only does the world, my generation, not only do I need my book to be written, but we need it written NOW.  Not in two years, or whenever I get around to it.  I could positively impact the world with my stories if I could only write them down and get them out there.  I want to do that.  I just need to just do it.  (Author’s Note: But I didn’t.  Even this realization didn’t give me the kick in the pants to get it written. I was still too worried about getting it right.  I didn’t finished the first draft of my first novel until 2012.  Now I’m editing it.  I still believe I need to get it into the world and I’m working towards it.)

I need to put on my big girl panties and get a real job.  I’ve fallen into this job and now I’m drowning.  I keep getting low expectations, low standards, low appreciation, and no change and it has made me lower my own standards.  That is unaccetable to me.  It is difficult to admit and even harder to write but today I realized the importance of being honest with myself.  If I can’t be honest about where I’m at then there is no way I can begin to change my circumstances.

I need to value myself enough to do what is important to me.

I need to be at work on time because it makes me feel good.  Just because being on time doesn’t matter to my boss, coworkers, or company doesn’t mean I need to show up late everyday.  Just because I’m the only one who is on time doesn’t mean I should slack off.  Just because I seem to be the only one who cares does not mean that I should care less.  It also doesn’t mean that we are unimportant or that what we do is not important.

I am important.

I make a positive difference.  It might be in small ways but it does matter that I care.

I’ve gotten so down and had my soul so crushed by this job that today I actually had to ask myself if I had finally broken.

I have NOT broken!  I have bent and I will heal.

I will escape this job and leave the people behind better off then when I started the job.

I will move onward and upward.

The world is still my oyster.

I will not let this reality become my only reality.

I will change my surroundings to create and shape the reality where I can be happy.

I am finding a better job.

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years.  Someday we will get married.  We are going to travel.

I am happy and I am going to fight for it.

I deserve to be happy and will not stop once I find happiness.

I will not settle.

 

Advertisements

Upon This Blurring Edge of Maddness

Upon this blurring edge of maddness

is where I am and where I’ve been,

where I’m going and what I’ve seen.

Upon this blurring edge of maddness

I’m running out of questions to figure out how I feel

and everything is mixed up, and nothing seems quite real.

The world keeps spinning and I can’t keep standing.

I’m changing.

I’m trying to balance

where I’ve been and what I’ve seen

with where I’m going and my dreams

and through it all I have to cope with

my actual reality.  Do I live the dream?

The Second Act

First day of my second week of work!  It’s rather surreal… I couldn’t sleep last night for many reasons, the main one being the speculation on whether I really have a job or not.  I worked 3 1/2 days, with a 1/2 day of orientation added for introduction to the company, last week.  Then, I had four days off.  It didn’t feel quite real… I guess it still seems too good to be true.  Today at work someone said “Hi” to me!!!!!  She initiated contact like I was a real person and not some placeholder between empty shelf and full shelf!  I was excited because I’d been in the zone, focusing on my tasks.  To be jogged out of concentration by a friendly greeting was a pleasant highlight of my day!  It was especially amazing because it was the very first time someone said hi to me first.  Like I didn’t say hi and she responded, SHE said hi to ME and I responded!!!

(Author’s Note:  This girl who said hi to me ended up becoming one of my closest friends and we still hang out all the time!!!)

I also officially met some lady I see all the time at lunch. We seem to have breaks at the same time so that was cool too!

Here is a strange phenomenon… I introduced myself to someone and he says, “Oh Faerie! I’ll remember that name because I live near Faerie Loop.”  (Author’s Note: Faerie is not my real name.  He was talking about my real name but in this blog I’m calling myself Faerie Reader instead of Realfirstname Reallastname. Just thought I’d clarify that no, my parents did not choose a cruel/crazy name for me like Hat, or Apple, or Faerie.) I introduced myself to another guy and he says, “I’ll remember you name because my dog’s name is Faerie!.”  I think this phenomenon is quite strange but two people have done it so it’s a phenomenon and not just a coincidence.

Today I trained in how to stock another area of the warehouse.  It doesn’t seem difficult or hard, rather there’s so much to do that it becomes a challenge.  I didn’t enjoy it because instead of being able to move from task to task, it just felt like I was diligently working but it didn’t matter because the numbers kept getting so high.  For example, I finally got the number of items I was supposed to be stocking down to 9! Yay!  Then I hit the refresh button and it turned out that I really had 60 lines!  It was extremely frustrating!  Also frustrating…my supervisor pulled me aside to talk about scheduling issues.  Basically I now work Tuesday – Friday.  I was going to work Sun-Wed but then a shift change happened.  Instead, I am going to be stuck with a crap schedule of Sat-Tues!  Yuck!

Bright-side: At least I’ll get more money…?  Lame!  My mom keeps reminding me (in addition to my optimism) that this is just a training job and/or “they’re” just testing me.  I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true.  So many people I work with have worked their SAME basic job here for YEARS.  I don’t think I could do it.  There doesn’t seem to be enough challenge for me to really stay.  I’m not even sure I like the job itself.

(Author’s Note: Turns out… I stayed for almost two years and I had the exact. same. job. that I started with and I worked that crap Sat-Tues schedule for the entire time.  I was never approved to change schedules because my boss had Sat-Mon off and didn’t want to work with me because she liked being the only female on the team while she was there. TOTALLY LAME but its amazing what you can grow accustomed to!)

Perhaps it’s just my loneliness talking.  When I get down my world seems to gray so maybe that’s why, or at least part of why, I’m so unsure about this position.  I’m trying to shine and stay positive.  If it all is a test… I hope it ends soon either way.  Although I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out.  Do I even want it to work out?  I think so.  I think I badly want it to work out because at least this is something.  Something I can be proud of…?  Maybe. But maybe because I can’t fully tell anyone what I do.  At least I get paid and get benefits and three day weekends.  (Boyfriend still hasn’t called and I don’t think he will.  We really don’t seem to have gotten any better at this whole long distance thing.  I’m tired and ready for bed so I can’t stay awake anymore, even if he hasn’t called. )

Dreaming of faerie music, sunshine, and bright tomorrows…

I Am Poem

I am long dark hair and sarcasm

I wonder what it’s like to be wanted for the way I walk

I hear sunlight sneaking through dust particles in the late afternoon

I see snow caressing the gentle pine, to protect it from the cold

I want to be struck by lightning, so I can write about the experience

I am long dark hair and sarcasm

 

I pretend to feel confident

I feel like a beat up 1985 Chevy truck driven by a drunk driver

I touch the sound of a tree falling in the forest

I worry that life is a dream and death the reality

I cry when no one is watching and no one seems to care

I am long dark hair and sarcasm

 

I understand what it feels like to cling to the edge of losing everything

I say attitude is how other people interpret what you do

I dream that the sky is blue flowers floating in a sea of tears

I try to count the leaves of aspen trees three miles away

I hope that people don’t perceive me as cruel

I am long dark hair and sarcasm.