Brightest Side of Bright

So much has happened since my last entry!  (As usual!)  I filed for unemployment for my birthday.  It was extremely hard for me to do it but I’m glad I did because we need the money.  I should definitely have done it sooner!  I have been working for 10 years and never used it and that is what it is supposed to be there for… times when you are trying to find a job and are just unsuccessful. That about sums up what I’ve been going through.

I went on a bunch of interviews but it was all scams, collections, or a pyramid scheme!  I loathe people who take advantage of people who are already down!  I’m trying desperately to find a job and instead of real offers these fake scams keep targeting me and I keep almost falling for them!  It’s awful and scary!

Luckily I went on a real interview with a company that looks really interesting!  The position is an Inventory Administration.  I applied because I seemed uniquely qualified for the position with my past work history and my degree but I wasn’t too excited about it because I don’t want to go back to inventory… But I applied because I thought I could get it.  I hadn’t felt so great about an interview since my first job out of college, the warehouse job! I totally rocked the interview!  And I asked three different ways about the job to make sure it was actually interesting and computer based and not bin stocking or lame.  It really seems like the perfect fit for me!  It uses my degree AND my past work experience!  I’m SO excited!!! They called me back the next day and offered me the job!!!! YAY!!!  It pays a little bit less then my last job but that’s okay because it will not crush my soul!  Also it is Mon-Fri from 7-4!  And I will have my own desk and everything!  And there’s not even a ceiling support column sharing my desk space with me!  It’s a real whole desk!  Also- they are excited about my wedding!!  They wanted me to start that Monday and it was Thursday when they called!  I said yes and still have flexibility with my schedule and have time off for the wedding!  The job is awesome so far!  Lots of learning and organizing and data entry and cycle counts!  It’s like all the parts of my old job that I liked and I get paid WAY more to do it!  I really see this job as a blessing!  For the first time, I can see a future with a company.  I see myself on at least  a three year plan with them  It’s VERY exciting and doesn’t crush my soul!!!  Also, we totally live in the future!  There is some really interesting stuff going on at my company!  OMG! Also, on my 4th day of work, my boss’s boss let me know he volunteered me to look over the GIANT contract proposal people have been working on for months, because, you know, I have a degree in English and do technical writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WAS BLOWN AWAY by this!  My old jobs never volunteered me for anything positive or interesting!

I’m so happy!  I feel like a champagne bottle filled with joy and excitement!  What an incredibly positive feeling!  Finally, I feel like things are looking up.  I sort of feel like I’d hit rock bottom.  I plan on using ti to build a foundation for my new, more positive, and less stressed future!

Also, I discovered SMASH Books! They are totes fabulous!  It’s like starter scrap-booking for dummies.  And I love it because it is a junk drawer journal that is messy AND beautiful! ❤ So wonderful!

And my cousin is doing so much better!  She’s dealing with stuff now instead of just using distractions to avoid her feelings.  I believe we’re helping each other heal.  I appreciate her friendship a lot and I’m continually surprised by how awesome she is!

Also, she and my future twin planned me an EPIC bachelorette party!  It was super fun!  I dubbed all us ladies the “Glitteratzi” We were!  8 girlfriends plus myself and NO ONE puked, cried, or had drama!!! Everyone just had a fabulous time!  And, I got “exactly as drunk as I wanted to be!” Wooo!  What a party! I was still drunk the next morning at 6am!  LoLz!  I was hungover that afternoon though… ugh!  LoL It was still worth it!

I’m getting married next week! HOLY SHIT! I’m getting married.  Next week! WOW!  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here!  Time seems to have passed very quickly but it is strange because so much has changed in the time I’ve been engaged!  I feel ready for marriage and to “begin” our lives together.  I am also definitely ready for the wedding to be over!  It’s turned out to be nightmarishly expensive!  Also, people have gone crazy about it from the stress.  I just want the spending to stop and the love to flow like it used to!  My poor mom and mother in law… I am saying special prayers for their health and sanity and happiness!  The amount of money we’ve spent on the wedding is staggering…and beggaring… I literally don’t know how my parents have done it!  The final payment for the venue is due a week from tomorrow and we’ll need to “find” another few thousand dollars.

I wish my grandparents could be at the wedding.  My heart aches a bit with their absence.  Lots of other people are coming but I will really miss them.  They have always loved and supported me and Fiance. They actually knew he was the one even before I was ready to admit it to myself.  I hope we can travel like they have.  It is something I aspire to and admire about them.  Fiance and I can’t afford a honeymoon right now.  I had initially thought the wedding would be  a certain price.  It is more then twice that now so there is no way.  Fiance still never got his passport.  I’m still mad about it too…

We are talking about buying a house.  I don’t know if I want one or if I would rather travel, or if I want a newer car… The AC on my car is out.  It will cost $700 to fix.  All the money I’ve dumped into that car… I could have bought something new for sure.  I don’t really have a plan after the wedding past paying off the wedding and not doing more wedding stuff!  Maybe we’ll get a cat… I still would rather have a dog.

It feels like I’m nearing the end of another chapter in my life.  I can see the white space just ahead.  I am apprehensive and excited about it.  I will release the cork and pop/shoot my excitement and my joy into that black space that I can finally see is filled with optimism.

 

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Downward Spiral

I think of myself as a writer.  I want to write.  My whole life, writing is a job I’ve never wavered from.  Now, I’m still unemployed and people keep telling me what a great opportunity it is for my writing.  It seems to be and yet I’ve done very little writing.  I’ve done lots and lots of reading and felt inspired to write, but the words get tangled in uncertainty before I get them down.  I just read a quote from Robin Hobb that writers always write what they know.  Maybe that’s my problem?  Maybe I’m feeling so low, uninspired, and uncertain that the writing could only share it?  I don’t know.  I know our money is running out.  Realistically I haven’t been looking for a job in the last two weeks.  I’ve dabbled in job searching and waited for something to come to me.  I had an idea about trying to get on at that study abroad company.  It seems interesting.  Really, I’m super worried about money.  I think I’m depressed.  I don’t want or care about any jobs I see online anymore.  I’ve lost my passion and my believe in myself.  I hope I find it again before things get really bad……

Laid Off

So much has changed between entries… I should really write more often.  The job turned out to totally suck!!!  I never did convince myself to believe in the company so I wasn’t very good at convincing people to go thousands of dollars in debt to go there.  Despite how unhappy I was, I made great money so I decided to try and get students so I could stay at the job.  It was so terrible to keep trying and to keep not being successful.  It was really frustrating because I constantly asked for more training on how to do better but never received it.  I tried studying on my own after work too and it just ended up getting me in more trouble because I was using “unapproved language.”  There were a lot of trainings that were required for everyone, but none of those trainings were specifically to help me.

I read between the lines of the company and it looks like they’re going to go on accreditation probation status in April.  I knew cutbacks and layoffs were coming but I didn’t think it would be me because I was really trying and I was doing much better as I got more experience.  It ended up being a game of “does my student count yet?”  The answer was never the same for two students in a row.

What happened was this – I was told I have 30 days to meet specific standards or I would be terminated.  Or, I could choose to take a buyout option.  That option means I’m still getting paid and I’m still an employee but I don’t go back to work.  They definitely made it seem like they wanted me to stay and had all these plans for how they were finally going to help me and get me more training.  Instead I took the buyout option and cleaned out my desk!  🙂

My stupid boss cried and hugged me when I left!  I couldn’t believe it!  She was so useless and now she’s cried on me! Ugh!  Bitches keep crying when I leave their teams!  My old boss teared up too and she seemed to hate me but I thanked her for the experience of working for her and for giving me a chance with the company when I left.  I will never understand people.  I told this boss that I wished her well and good luck and she teared up and told me how nice I am and that she hopes I can find a job I’ll enjoy.

I’m excited I don’t have to go back! I’m terrified of what will happen now though.  I don’t know what I want to do for work anymore either.  I know I want to write but when I left the warehouse job my boss kept all the writing I had done so I don’t have any business writing in my portfolio.  I definitely want to stay the hell away from call centers though, that’s for sure!  The clock is now ticking and I’m praying we will be ok financially.

I’m sure I will find something but I hope it is soon…

 

No. More. Excuses.

My frustrations appear to have moved past the realm of sadness and into the sphere of raging.  Life is not going according to plan, expectation or desire.  There is much I want that is not being met and doesn’t appear in the future if I project down my current path.  I need to make some serious changes and get down to business.  I don’t want to miss an opportunity because I was settling or not paying attention.  “Opportunities are available to you.  See them out.”  That’s what my fortune cookie said yesterday.  I need to get my shit together and move forward.  I’ve stagnated.  It’s not pretty, healthy, or fun.  I can’t let whatever it is (I’m not really sure at this point) hold me back anymore.  No More. Excuses!

To Do List:

Do my resume.

Post my resume online.

Begin job search.

Begin apartment search.

I will start there with those things and see where I go.  I wish the worry goblins dancing on my shoulders would leave me alone!

 

Reality is Invading My Escapism

Currently I’m between the pages of Witches Abroad Terry Pratchett and Distracted by Maggie Jackson

Last night I read a bit more of Witches Abroad.  It is quite comical, wonderfully entertaining, and definitely escapism of the best possible kind.  I quite enjoy his witches’ books from the Discworld.

Today, while I was between bouts of reading:

Continued “The Job Search” today.  I attempted to apply to six positions, and actually applied to two.  I went to four locations to inquire as to the availability of work and was promptly dismissed from two, politely put off at one, and cautiously encouraged to apply at the last.  At the last location in addition to the actual application and the promise of the person putting in “two good words” for me, a potential alternative job offer was made.  The job: dressing up in a dorky costume and holding a sign to get the attention of passing cars so that they would enter and possibly rent from our apartment complex.  The person thoughtfully thought of another resident and myself as candidates silly/desperate enough to be interested in such a position.  I am shamed to say that I didn’t say yes because my pride wouldn’t let me.  I am at such a low point that this is only the second actual job offer I have received since graduating from University in May with a Bachelor of Arts in English.

I got a check in the mail today.  It was for $2.67.  It was compensation for the gas involved in being summoned but not picked for jury duty.  Sadly, it is the most money I have made in months.  I burst into tears upon opening the check because I am feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and hopeless. Also, I realized I forgot to get my allergy shot today.  It was supposed to be the second shot.

On the verge of a panic attack because the torrent of reality is crashing and drowning my streaming consciousness, I escape into Peggle.  Peggle is a game for either your computer or your Xbox360 sort of like Plinco (from The Price is Right) but with a super bouncy ball and unicorns and the “Ode to Joy”.  It’s an AMAZING game!  I played the adventure campaign on Xbox with a friend.  We were one level from completion when the time came to pick up Boyfriend from work. Reality is invading my escapism.

My “happily ever after” seems far off today.