Positive Self Talk

Today I advised my cousin:

  • Give yourself permission to be who you are.
  • Tell yourself that you’re okay just the way you are.  Yes even the anger, flaws, worries, smoking habit, loves, interests, and all that stuff going on inside your head, and everything you share, and everything you don’t share with everyone else.  Yes, even whatever you just thought of.  All of it, it’s okay and so are you.
  • You are only one person.  You can only do what you can do, regardless of how much you want to do.
  • You are strong enough to hold how you feel.

 

He was quiet a while, processing what I said.  He told me that what currently helps him is to:

  • Ask yourself if this will matter in 10 minutes, 10 months, or 10 years.

 

I think we both might know more then we give ourselves credit for…

 

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Poem Commentary

Author’s Note about Chose to Dwell in Smiles:

I wrote this poem on the anniversary of the day my mom’s cancer re-occurrence was diagnosed.  I was and am so tired of living with the fear that her cancer would reoccur again.  It is exhausting to carry so much fear around all the time.  I try to focus on the positive most of the time.  I read happy books, I watch happy shows and movies, and I hang out with people who remind me to dwell in smiles.  My mom is still doing great and her cancer is in remission.  In fact, she is considered cured again. 

She was first diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when she was 29 years old. I was two years old.  The doctors told her to make her piece with the world and that she had maybe three months to live.  She changed doctors and fought and fought and was in case studies for Tamoxifen and fought some more.  She was pronounced cured at 5 years and still clear and going strong 10 years later.  12 years after she was first diagnosed, her cancer reoccurred.  I was a freshmen in high school.  The doctors told her she would not live to see me graduate.  She fought the cancer off again and again she won.  I graduated early (just in case) and she came to my high school graduation and watched me walk across the stage.  She also came to my college graduation 4 years later. 

Author’s note within an Author’s Note: This year (2013) she will celebrate her 59th birthday.

Doctors don’t always know everything.  Sometimes miracles happen.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason and there’s nothing you can do about it.  Sometimes you fight with everything you have and you still lose.  Sometimes though, sometimes you fight with everything you have and it’s enough and you win, and you live.  Some battles are worth fighting. 

This is often my internal monologue: “I am strong enough to hold how I feel.  Emotions are fluid and always changing.  This too will pass.  I am strong enough to hold how I feel.

The Second Act

First day of my second week of work!  It’s rather surreal… I couldn’t sleep last night for many reasons, the main one being the speculation on whether I really have a job or not.  I worked 3 1/2 days, with a 1/2 day of orientation added for introduction to the company, last week.  Then, I had four days off.  It didn’t feel quite real… I guess it still seems too good to be true.  Today at work someone said “Hi” to me!!!!!  She initiated contact like I was a real person and not some placeholder between empty shelf and full shelf!  I was excited because I’d been in the zone, focusing on my tasks.  To be jogged out of concentration by a friendly greeting was a pleasant highlight of my day!  It was especially amazing because it was the very first time someone said hi to me first.  Like I didn’t say hi and she responded, SHE said hi to ME and I responded!!!

(Author’s Note:  This girl who said hi to me ended up becoming one of my closest friends and we still hang out all the time!!!)

I also officially met some lady I see all the time at lunch. We seem to have breaks at the same time so that was cool too!

Here is a strange phenomenon… I introduced myself to someone and he says, “Oh Faerie! I’ll remember that name because I live near Faerie Loop.”  (Author’s Note: Faerie is not my real name.  He was talking about my real name but in this blog I’m calling myself Faerie Reader instead of Realfirstname Reallastname. Just thought I’d clarify that no, my parents did not choose a cruel/crazy name for me like Hat, or Apple, or Faerie.) I introduced myself to another guy and he says, “I’ll remember you name because my dog’s name is Faerie!.”  I think this phenomenon is quite strange but two people have done it so it’s a phenomenon and not just a coincidence.

Today I trained in how to stock another area of the warehouse.  It doesn’t seem difficult or hard, rather there’s so much to do that it becomes a challenge.  I didn’t enjoy it because instead of being able to move from task to task, it just felt like I was diligently working but it didn’t matter because the numbers kept getting so high.  For example, I finally got the number of items I was supposed to be stocking down to 9! Yay!  Then I hit the refresh button and it turned out that I really had 60 lines!  It was extremely frustrating!  Also frustrating…my supervisor pulled me aside to talk about scheduling issues.  Basically I now work Tuesday – Friday.  I was going to work Sun-Wed but then a shift change happened.  Instead, I am going to be stuck with a crap schedule of Sat-Tues!  Yuck!

Bright-side: At least I’ll get more money…?  Lame!  My mom keeps reminding me (in addition to my optimism) that this is just a training job and/or “they’re” just testing me.  I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true.  So many people I work with have worked their SAME basic job here for YEARS.  I don’t think I could do it.  There doesn’t seem to be enough challenge for me to really stay.  I’m not even sure I like the job itself.

(Author’s Note: Turns out… I stayed for almost two years and I had the exact. same. job. that I started with and I worked that crap Sat-Tues schedule for the entire time.  I was never approved to change schedules because my boss had Sat-Mon off and didn’t want to work with me because she liked being the only female on the team while she was there. TOTALLY LAME but its amazing what you can grow accustomed to!)

Perhaps it’s just my loneliness talking.  When I get down my world seems to gray so maybe that’s why, or at least part of why, I’m so unsure about this position.  I’m trying to shine and stay positive.  If it all is a test… I hope it ends soon either way.  Although I don’t know what I’d do if this doesn’t work out.  Do I even want it to work out?  I think so.  I think I badly want it to work out because at least this is something.  Something I can be proud of…?  Maybe. But maybe because I can’t fully tell anyone what I do.  At least I get paid and get benefits and three day weekends.  (Boyfriend still hasn’t called and I don’t think he will.  We really don’t seem to have gotten any better at this whole long distance thing.  I’m tired and ready for bed so I can’t stay awake anymore, even if he hasn’t called. )

Dreaming of faerie music, sunshine, and bright tomorrows…