Far Too Tired to Fall Asleep

Eventful days have passed since my last entry.  I saw an allergist here in BigCity.  She gave me nasal wash bottle and instructions to wash 2x a day.  It has helped more then I’d expected but is still pretty gross and really unpleasant.  It definitely makes me feel like a snot beast!  She also took me off one of my daily allergy medications (Singulair).  Apparently one of its major side effects is anxiety.  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW EARLIER.  Like I told the doctor, I just thought I was anxious because my life is in chaos.  Apparently not.  So it’s really good to be addressing that situation.  The downside – of course – is that I got sick.  I don’t have bronchitis, yet, which is the bright side.  I managed to get a wretched sinus infection and got steroids and antibiotics (for 10 days).  I was so sick I even missed two days of work!  I’m feeling much better now though (despite sleeping in a garage with the same climate and allergens as the outside since, you know, it’s open to the outside with that stupid gap between the door and the ground that still isn’t fixed.) 

Also, Boyfriend came to visit! YAY!  He came on Tuesday and left Wednesday but it was still amazing!  He met CY (girl who first said hi to me, invited me to Starbucks with her and her friends, and now good work friend), and a couple other friends I’ve made through work.  We all went to a Brewery and it was lots of fun.  Everyone got along really well and I feel better now that Boyfriend’s met everyone!  None of my guy friends came though, which was strange.  It’s ok though because he met the most important people, and of course, so did they!  I have this habit of talking about people like whoever I’m talking to knows the person I’m talking about. Boyfriend even got me early Valentine’s Day flowers so I’d have them for the day!  Yay!  They are quite beautiful and I’m sure they smell wonderful!  ( I don’t actually know how they smell because I can’t breathe though my nose due to the whole being really sick thing I’m dealing with.) 

Today I helped Roommate’s best friend (the one who watches the littledog sometimes) prepare some appetizers for a party she’s having for her other friend.  I volunteered to help and she almost cried from relief.  It was quite fun to help and I learned a cool new party food!  It’s called “Pineapple Porcupine!”  It is 1/2 maraschino cherry, Swiss cheese cubes, pineapple cubes, and cheddar cheese cubes all on a skewer and stuck into  pleasing rounding lines on a pineapple. We alternated the ending food item on each skewer so we had on spiral from the top to the bottom that was red for the cherries, then a spiral line that was white for Swiss cheese, then one that ended with the yellow pineapple, then a spiral row that ended with the orange cheddar cheese.  We put one skewer on each little part of the pineapple.  It was interesting because I had never noticed that those little spiky parts on a pineapple actually do have a spiral pattern!  It was awesome!  The picture below was used from another blog and also used grapes and other fruit.  The blog was right and this piece made a great centerpiece for the food table and also was a tasty crowd pleaser.

pineapple porcupineThis picture was taken from the hydrOtion Natural Skin Care Blog.

 

It went really quickly and we were done with it and 48 deviled eggs by 12:30!  The dog wasn’t even as bad as I was afraid he’d be.  He only ate one plate of cheese and then proceeded to have the WORST gas I’ve ever had the unpleasant experience of smelling.  It was really annoying because I could smell THAT but not my wonderful FLOWERS. LAME!  Roommate’s best friend was really surprised and relieved at how quickly we finished the food.  I had lots of fun and feel great about helping.  She is retired and wants to do so much but its hard for her sometimes to get around.  Also her and Roommate are some of my “go-to” people in BigCity so it feels good to be able to help them in return.  

DARK AND SCARY PART OF POST (REALLY. THAT’S NOT SARCASM): The random and distinctly unsettling part of the day was overhearing a conversation she had on the phone.  I didn’t think much of it at the time but now I can’t sleep because I feel so much anxiety and I think it’s because of what I heard.  Basically, the gist is this: Roommate’s Best Friend has received at least 3 threatening letters.  She shredded the first one but now the post office, police, and FBI are involved.  Someone is threatening to kill her!  He says things like her days are numbered.  She claims not to be worried because she has guns everywhere (which she does because I found two in the kitchen today while I was helping) but she says she’ll for sure press charges against this guy.  I’m not worried about her because I’m sure she is quite capable of protecting herself.  Instead my imagination has run away because of the influences of so many fiction books.  If this guy serioously wants to hurt her but doesn’t want to go after her directly (which he doesn’t because he’s threatening her with letters) then it makes sense to go after the people closest to her.  Well the only person close to her is her bestfriend: my Roommate!  Basically Roommate is her closest/best/only real friend and they’re quite close. Wanting to hurt Roommate’s best friend coud cause someone devious to go after Roommate.  But Roommate is gone flying all the time- but I’m not! I live in her big, empty, scary, house alone most of the time.  I don’t have a gun.  It’s worrisome to think about.  I think I need to learn more about the situation and relax a ton.  Take it down a notch and all that.  It is now 4:24am and I still can’t turn off the lights or TV so I can go to bed.  WTF stupid anxiety?!?!?! ARRRGH! 

(Author’s Note: Turns out I wasn’t overreacting as much as I thought I was.  The guy was her daughter’s ex husband who had gotten out of jail in another state, found Roommate’s Best Friend and traveled to BigCity and was attempting to make contact with a gang so he could put a hit on her.  He was picked up by the police about two months after this entry and is back in jail as far as I know.  I have lost touch with both Roommate and her Best Friend in the last few years but last I heard they were all healthy, happy, and safe.  (Disclaimer:  If you or someone you know has received a threatening letter, take it seriously.  Save the letter and file a police report.  Lock your doors; get a security system, etc.)   Roommate was a crazy lady and when I talked with her about the situation and told her I didn’t feel safe since I didn’t have a key to the house and had to leave it hidden near the front door since she ran a side business out of one of the rooms and had strangers accessing her house while I was and was not there.  She said because of that business I couldn’t take the key and couldn’t use the security system.  She never did give me the code and when I took the key anyway or tried bringing it inside while I was there alone, people would show up and not be able to get in and call her and complain and then the next time I saw her she would scream at me.  Her suggestion for feeling safe:  a wine bottle on my nightstand.  She said I could hit someone with it if I needed to. I sincerely wish I was joking.  It really is amazing what you can grow accustomed to.)

Lighter note:  Oh yeah, on another note- today I got a haircut!I went to one of those little chains and for $19 including tip I washed my hair and cut 3 inches off.  It looks much the same as before, but shorter and healthier.  I think I like it.  I’m growing out my natural color.  That part, I love.  We will see how the hair really is over the next few days.  I hope it’s good because it feels really good.  Now I’m going to try and sleep again.  What a crazy, interesting day!  What a crazy, interesting life! Ciao!

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Anxious Reality

I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious.  Things are not bright at the moment.  I have slept less than seven hours the last two nights combined because I’ve been so anxious.  Things that are bothering me/I’m anxious about include:

My dad’s health

My mom’s health

My parent’s relationship

Boyfriend

The Babies (Olddog and YoungDog)

My job

My health

My living situation

My car

Money

MONEY

So, there are other worries also, but these are the ones with resounding echos and repeats in my head.  I am writing them now to get them out of my head so I can try to sleep and let the echos bounce within the pages of my journal.

(Author’s Note: Sadly, I still worry about many of these things even though it’s been 3 years…  I dithered about whether to include this post or not on my blog because it’s very personal and it includes things I don’t like to discuss with people.  I finally decided to include it because I want this blog to be a place where I can be myself and if people in the world see that, even the dark parts, then that needs to be ok.  Maybe someone else with anxiety induced insomnia will stumble across this post and realize they are not alone and it might help them.  I don’t know because I sat down to enter this and read through it and got all anxious myself so hopefully it doesn’t make someone else’s anxiety worse!  I can’t worry about other people’s feelings right now.  It’s time for me to be selfish.  This blog is about me and my feelings.  I try to find the magic in the world because a candle loses nothing by lighting other candles.  I hope that if I go through life as a candle helping bring light to other people that maybe it will burn some of the darkness out of me where it hides because I try not to show it to other people.  I don’t want to add more darkness to the world.  I want to add light.  That’s why this post is hard to write and why I’m stalling by doing this Author’s Note… *sigh* No more excuses.  Here is a glimpse of the shadows flickering behind my light.)

My dad’s health:  My dad has back/spine/neck damage/problems.  Disks 3&4, 4&5, 5&6, 6&7 all have problems.  He was a landscaper his whole life and worked incredibly hard physically (and in general).  There are a few different causes but the terrifying reality is his severe pain and his inability to work like he has for his whole life.  He’s so hurt he can’t even really play XBox anymore.  That really sucks because that used to be his way of zoning out from the pain and giving himself a break.  He needs back surgery on his spine.  The kind where they go in through his throat and fuse his bones together with a metal plate.  He could have had the surgery 5 years ago and so it was that bad then but now its 5 years worse!  He’s scared.  He hasn’t told me that in as many words but I can tell.  He’s gone to a physical therapist and wants another option besides surgery.  There’s not really another option.  He’s scared for his quality of life as he gets older.  I’m scared for him too.

My parent’s relationship: I think both my parents are really depressed.  I worry that they might get a divorce even though they are getting along much better than they used to.  My dad’s unemployment is about to run out and my mom doesn’t make enough money herself to cover all the bills.  On top of that they have medical bills, 2 dogs, and no end in sight.  My dad really can’t work.  Between cutting out the hard or not at all physical labor and having to pass a drug test (he uses pot medicinally to help with his spine pain), things are looking quite grim indeed.

My mom’s health: I think my mom pretty much hates her job.  The nepotism at the library is so over the top I don’t know how she deals with it.  It infuriates me to hear some of the stories about her work.  I hear “library” and think “how awesome!  I’d love to work there!” but then I hear about what it’s really like and yeah it has really awesome elements but on the other hand people insist on doing things the same way they’ve always done them, just because they’ve always done them that way.  That’s not logic, that’s being stubborn and I don’t understand why people are so resistant to change if it’s helpful change.

Cousin: My awful cousin is FINALLY gone to boarding school so he is out of my grandparent’s home.  They seem to be going/have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY though.  When did that happen?  How did I miss it?  Oh yeah, I missed it because they’ve chosen that awful cousin over literally the rest of the family and pushed everyone away.  They are so hurtful and supportive and cruel to my family now and it breaks my heart.  They used to be so loving and supportive and held all sorts of family events and their home was a place of love and celebration.  Yeah, sometimes grandpa would get drunk and yell at everyone but once we got that out of the way the party could continue… “Poor AwfulCousin” is all they care about now.  They did not even get Christmas presents for anyone else.

My parent’s other property in NeighboringTown to HomeTown: Things keep getting worse there.  I still don’t really know just how screwed we are but the more I learn, the scarier it gets.  Every time we think we have good renters the jerks just come and steal them.  Literally they wait until a couple of months before their lease is up and go up to the front door and tell the renters that we are raising the rent (which is a LIE) and who knows what else.  Then they tell them that their property is just like this one and oh hey, is even cheaper a month (because it IS since the used the floor plans that my parents developed and bought the corner lot adjacent to this one that my parents were going to buy the following month and then built the same set up we have and instead of finding their own renters they keep stealing ours and undercutting the rent which they can afford to do because they can afford to do that.)  I really hate people.  I mean, who does that?  What sort of lifelong friend stabs you in the back over a piece of land in a town that looks like it will have good property values in a couple years but right now is pretty worthless and then continues to twist the knife at every opportunity?  I just cannot wrap my head around it!

I don’t have a safe/happy/good reality at the moment and even fiction stories are not helping me block it all out.

Today my mom told me they are considering bankruptcy. The unfairness of IT ALL strikes me and makes my throat ache.  My parents have lasted through cancer, cancer again, a kid (me), a kid going through college (me again), a home business that was on and off again, addictions, people screwing them over, so many obstacles and trying to invest and then cruel and deceitful people finally break everything.  It’s SO unfair!  I know the world is unfair but I don’t understand why bad things always seem to happen.  And why do they always happen at the same time too?  I’m almost paralyzed with fear for was.  What can I do to help?  What will happen to us all?

Pets: OldDog is so old.  He tired to jump onto my bed last time I was home visiting and missed.  That has never happened before.  I picked him up and held him and cried and cried while he licked my arm trying to comfort me.  He can’t help where he goes to the bathroom anymore.  It’s gross but he’s old and can’t help it and we still love him.  I don’t think he’s in pain but I’m terrified he is and I’m just not around enough to really know.  The time is approaching when we are going to have to decide if he needs to go to sleep.  I’m unsure and terrified of what will happen.  He’s been my baby since I was in third grade.  I already miss him so much because I don’t live with him.  I sometimes call the house when I know my parents are gone and leave a voicemail to the dogs telling them what good puppies they are and asking if they want a treat.  When my parents get home the dogs are all excited and barking and jumping around and they know its time to give them cookies cuz I left them a happy voicemail.  YoungDog is so dumb and has learned such bad habits from OldDog that I worry about what will happen to her.  She’s really sweet but such a spazz!

Boyfriend: Things with Boyfriend are alright.  We still love each other madly and are planning on our future together.  I can see now and I don’t know how to move forward.  I don’t know how to get to where I want to be.  There are no sure or right answers to these tough questions.  He has his stupid 6 month lease that he signed since I moved up here, his job that he seems to love (or at least really enjoy) that he is amazing at, and a car, and a life in CollegeTown.

Living situation: I’m in BigCity living with a grandma who’s never there, a goat, a cat, and two dogs that eat better then I do.  I work 10-12 hours a day at $10 an hour.  I can’t afford to move out of this house.  I don’t know if I even want to move out if I can’t move in with Boyfriend.  I can’t afford to live because I make so little money.  I spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas EVERY week because this place is so far away. It’s really super scary trying to make it on my own.  And I am because my parents are not really in a position to help me.  They say they can help if I need it but how can I believe them when they say that but then also tell me about all the financial worries they’re facing?  How do I go on with my family in so much trouble?  How can I just live down here and selfishly try to do what I want when maybe if I moved home and got a job it could help them out? What do I do if they are going to file bankruptcy?  Is it too late to do anything anyway?

Job: My job is SUPER boring and I HATE it!  I literally loathe it. I’m already bitter and it hasn’t even been four whole months yet.  Cycle Counts are interesting but I just need more money.  The Tech test is $130 and getting that much money seems hard to me! That’s pretty surprising because I thought it would be easier by far to move to that position.  The test itself is a lot of math and memorizing abbreviations.  I may get hosed if I do spend the money and then can’t pass the stupid test.

Car: My car is old and is my only mode of transportation.  I live too far from work in BigCity to take a bus or even a series of buses to get to work.  Also with my strange hours the buses don’t even run that early in the morning or that late at night if I was to switch shifts to night shift.  Troubling. It’s all troubling.

My health: My allergies are INSANE!  I have an allergy appointment on Wednesday morning with an allergist in BigCity instead of the one I’ve tried to still see in CollegeTown.  I don’t know the company name, address, or Doctor name at the moment.  I hope it helps me be able to breathe.  I don’t like being reminded of my serious problems with the most basic part of being alive (breathing)!

I took two Benadryl before I started writing this and am finally falling asleep!!!! FINALLY  I have friends but it worries me too.  I wonder about the future and can see where I want us all to be in that future but I don’t know how to make it happen. I wish magic was real so there would be an easier answer or at least more options.  I’ll write more later because I’m going to go sleep like a rock.

Reality is Invading My Escapism

Currently I’m between the pages of Witches Abroad Terry Pratchett and Distracted by Maggie Jackson

Last night I read a bit more of Witches Abroad.  It is quite comical, wonderfully entertaining, and definitely escapism of the best possible kind.  I quite enjoy his witches’ books from the Discworld.

Today, while I was between bouts of reading:

Continued “The Job Search” today.  I attempted to apply to six positions, and actually applied to two.  I went to four locations to inquire as to the availability of work and was promptly dismissed from two, politely put off at one, and cautiously encouraged to apply at the last.  At the last location in addition to the actual application and the promise of the person putting in “two good words” for me, a potential alternative job offer was made.  The job: dressing up in a dorky costume and holding a sign to get the attention of passing cars so that they would enter and possibly rent from our apartment complex.  The person thoughtfully thought of another resident and myself as candidates silly/desperate enough to be interested in such a position.  I am shamed to say that I didn’t say yes because my pride wouldn’t let me.  I am at such a low point that this is only the second actual job offer I have received since graduating from University in May with a Bachelor of Arts in English.

I got a check in the mail today.  It was for $2.67.  It was compensation for the gas involved in being summoned but not picked for jury duty.  Sadly, it is the most money I have made in months.  I burst into tears upon opening the check because I am feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and hopeless. Also, I realized I forgot to get my allergy shot today.  It was supposed to be the second shot.

On the verge of a panic attack because the torrent of reality is crashing and drowning my streaming consciousness, I escape into Peggle.  Peggle is a game for either your computer or your Xbox360 sort of like Plinco (from The Price is Right) but with a super bouncy ball and unicorns and the “Ode to Joy”.  It’s an AMAZING game!  I played the adventure campaign on Xbox with a friend.  We were one level from completion when the time came to pick up Boyfriend from work. Reality is invading my escapism.

My “happily ever after” seems far off today.