Confidence and Cooking: Meh

Tonight is the night before I start my new job.  I am having trouble sleeping.  It might be the Mountain Dew I drank with dinner…but it definitely is partially due to excitement and nervousness!  After so long in a warehouse, the thought of dressing nicely and sitting all day is a bit daunting.  I admit secretly that I feel out of place.  I helped someone with their resume a couple of days ago and had to wonder if I’m afraid.  That’s really sad!  Has my confidence really become so shaken?  Yes… yes, it has.  I hope I can gain more confidence in the coming weeks.  Until then I will fake it.  Hopefully no one will notice the difference.

I’m not having fun with the wedding planning.  We can’t do any planning without a date or a venue.  The venues are all going to be obscenely expensive!  I feel ill just thinking about it.  Also, my parents are really unsupportive of the date.  There are a few reasons why: heat, school, soon, and cost.  I don’t know if they can help financially at all or not.  Realistically, I think not so I don’t really know where that leaves Fiance and I.  Like I said… not having fun!  I don’t want to waste time looking at and worrying about something that may never happen in the first place.

I feel selfish being so happy about my new job and planning a wedding when there’s such sadness, chaos, and problems in the lives of the people I care about.  Maybe it’s a symptom of my lack of confidence.

Also, I’m scared to attempt P90X again.  There are so many what ifs involved.  I want to be smaller.  I want to be a size 10!  I know I can do it but it feels like a long hard road.  I went shopping at Marshall’s for new business casual work clothes.  It was a really unique experience because it was so much fun!  I really had a great time and I was quite successful!  I need to keep losing weight so I can continue to have positive shopping experiences!  We need to eat healthy again but it’s hard because it is so expensive.

Also, cooking is meh.

Maybe things will be different with this new job.  With so much changing so fast I don’t feel like it has all sunk in yet.  I haven’t quite landed on my feet or found my footing.  Time will help but with time comes more change.  I am so much better already and I feel happier.

I need to allow myself to bask in joy and love and remember to smile.

 

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