Realizations Dawning

Today was an interesting day filled with an array of emotions.  I thought about my life and had some realizations.  In no particular order here they are:

I keep thinking silly things about my job like, “So, this is how the other side lives…” This job doesn’t require a degree and in the warehouse you only make $10 an hour which is not enough to live on.  People mostly just have high school degrees or GEDs here and are almost entirely uninterested in the world outside their daily lives and are often unmotivated.  They’re resigned to their lots in life it seems. The problem with thoughts like these is that I realized I was thinking I was apart from “those people” I work with everyday. No.

I realized today that this really is my real life. 

This really is my job.

There’s no future in this position; no options for moving up, or making more money.

It is not going to improve.

I keep waiting for it to improve; I keep trying, but it’s just not going to happen.  My hands and arms are cut and torn up from all the boxes and shelves and physical labor of the job.  My hands are rough and course and my nails are jagged and short.  My feet hurt pretty much all the time but because I wear good shoes they’re soft and my toenails look great!  (They’re currently painted Hot Flower Pink.)  I work four days a week but those days are hard.  Early start, hard work, long hours, and half the time also mandatory overtime leave me exhausted, grumpy, achy, and unmotivated.  By the time I get home I usually just want to lay down and go to sleep.  Sometimes I want dinner, but not usually.  Sometimes (frequently to my dismay) I’m even too tired to shower (standing more- NO WAY!)  Also, I get home but I have to go to bed so early I feel like I don’t have time to do the things I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.

If I had gone to Graduate School right after graduation, I would be halfway done at this very moment.  Instead, I’m living with two guys in BigCity working a deadend job for crap pay with approximately $50 to my name (and about $3,000 in credit card debt.)

I’m still not writing. I keep making excuses and hesitating.  Today I realized that not only does the world, my generation, not only do I need my book to be written, but we need it written NOW.  Not in two years, or whenever I get around to it.  I could positively impact the world with my stories if I could only write them down and get them out there.  I want to do that.  I just need to just do it.  (Author’s Note: But I didn’t.  Even this realization didn’t give me the kick in the pants to get it written. I was still too worried about getting it right.  I didn’t finished the first draft of my first novel until 2012.  Now I’m editing it.  I still believe I need to get it into the world and I’m working towards it.)

I need to put on my big girl panties and get a real job.  I’ve fallen into this job and now I’m drowning.  I keep getting low expectations, low standards, low appreciation, and no change and it has made me lower my own standards.  That is unaccetable to me.  It is difficult to admit and even harder to write but today I realized the importance of being honest with myself.  If I can’t be honest about where I’m at then there is no way I can begin to change my circumstances.

I need to value myself enough to do what is important to me.

I need to be at work on time because it makes me feel good.  Just because being on time doesn’t matter to my boss, coworkers, or company doesn’t mean I need to show up late everyday.  Just because I’m the only one who is on time doesn’t mean I should slack off.  Just because I seem to be the only one who cares does not mean that I should care less.  It also doesn’t mean that we are unimportant or that what we do is not important.

I am important.

I make a positive difference.  It might be in small ways but it does matter that I care.

I’ve gotten so down and had my soul so crushed by this job that today I actually had to ask myself if I had finally broken.

I have NOT broken!  I have bent and I will heal.

I will escape this job and leave the people behind better off then when I started the job.

I will move onward and upward.

The world is still my oyster.

I will not let this reality become my only reality.

I will change my surroundings to create and shape the reality where I can be happy.

I am finding a better job.

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years.  Someday we will get married.  We are going to travel.

I am happy and I am going to fight for it.

I deserve to be happy and will not stop once I find happiness.

I will not settle.

 

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Not an April Fool’s Day Prank

Living with a crazy lady for five months appears to have made me reckless.

I am now living with two guys BW (18, in high school) and CR (25, works at Website).  They are fellow nerds but also rock climb and do projects and drive motorcycles/speed bikes (ZK1490? Ninja and Kawasaki).

As living at Roommate’s became more and more awful, I stopped writing about it and telling people how bad it was.  After we agreed to extend our agreement, the situation rapidly deteriorated.  By the end of February I was ready to look for other options (as evidenced by my last entry.)  I began searching at the beginning of March and on 3/31 I moved out of Roommate’s and in with the guys!  I’m already SO much happier!  I have roommates!  They’re nice!  We’ve had dinner together my first two nights!  They helped me move in!  I have my own room with just stuff I want in it.  I can lock them out!  I get to keep things in the bathroom!  I get to keep things in the kitchen!  I have a closet!  I have a ceiling fan!  I have a fan that doesn’t squeak ALL the time!  I have a key to the house!  I get to sleep in the house!  If I did die in the garage, my roommates would notice!  There are no pets or crazy old ladies!  I only live 7 miles from work instead of 20 miles!  I won’t have to get up at 4:30 am anymore!  There are no pets!  I get to use the light switches!  I don’t have to check my bed for crickets before crawling under the covers!  I don’t have to wipe out the kitchen sink after using it!  I can throw away paper towels!  I can use their pool instead of just looking at the pool in the backyard!  I know how many people have access to the house!  I can turn off the TV!  I can take a hot shower!  I can get home from work and eat dinner instead of spending an hour feeding someone else’s pets!

I met CR three times before deciding to move in and BW only once.  I saw the house before agreeing and moved in four days later.  A week before that I learned CR was/might be looking for another roommate.

Tonight they took me riding.  We went 145 MPH!!! We also popped a wheely! (Author’s Note:  This is NOT an exaggeration.  Those things really happened (not at the same time. duh.)  Yep, I was definitely reckless!) I rode on the “world’s fastest production motorcycle!  IT WAS AMAZING!  OMG the adrenaline! WOW!  What a thrill!  I did really well!  It was a great roommate bonding experience!  We came home and I made cookies! …There is so much to say about all that has happened.  Most of me doesn’t want to remember any of it (despite the amazing story stuff I could get form it all.)

I keep procrastinating because I don’t want to sleep because that means I will wake up and have to go to work.  I will now go to sleep.  Perhaps when it’s not so immediate I’ll be able to document these recent events.

(Author’s Note: Nope.  Didn’t really happen.  I have happily let most of those shenanigans fade into the black hole of memory and time and occasionally will bring up a few stories if I’m quite intoxicated and asked directly.  Those stories do make a great comedic stand up act….)