Ending with Bliss

I’m married!  I’m now RealFirstName RealMiddleName NewRealLastName!!!!  We’ve had such a wonderful journey together and we capped it off with a wonderful wedding!  There were 98 people, a rocking DJ, excellent food, fabulous cake, amazing flowers, and Fiance/Husband!  Now, as I’m writing, I’m SO tired but I want to remember all the fun details about the whole weekend!  I’m not sure where to begin.  I’m so happy!  It was a beautiful ceremony filled with laughter and tears of joy!  Everyone had such a great time.  This event is the beginning of a New Chapter.  This journal is complete and I will begin a new one with my next entry.  This chapter has lasted three years.  I am once again in the space between chapters.  It is the breath before the speech, the start of the road towards happily ever after…

Brightest Side of Bright

So much has happened since my last entry!  (As usual!)  I filed for unemployment for my birthday.  It was extremely hard for me to do it but I’m glad I did because we need the money.  I should definitely have done it sooner!  I have been working for 10 years and never used it and that is what it is supposed to be there for… times when you are trying to find a job and are just unsuccessful. That about sums up what I’ve been going through.

I went on a bunch of interviews but it was all scams, collections, or a pyramid scheme!  I loathe people who take advantage of people who are already down!  I’m trying desperately to find a job and instead of real offers these fake scams keep targeting me and I keep almost falling for them!  It’s awful and scary!

Luckily I went on a real interview with a company that looks really interesting!  The position is an Inventory Administration.  I applied because I seemed uniquely qualified for the position with my past work history and my degree but I wasn’t too excited about it because I don’t want to go back to inventory… But I applied because I thought I could get it.  I hadn’t felt so great about an interview since my first job out of college, the warehouse job! I totally rocked the interview!  And I asked three different ways about the job to make sure it was actually interesting and computer based and not bin stocking or lame.  It really seems like the perfect fit for me!  It uses my degree AND my past work experience!  I’m SO excited!!! They called me back the next day and offered me the job!!!! YAY!!!  It pays a little bit less then my last job but that’s okay because it will not crush my soul!  Also it is Mon-Fri from 7-4!  And I will have my own desk and everything!  And there’s not even a ceiling support column sharing my desk space with me!  It’s a real whole desk!  Also- they are excited about my wedding!!  They wanted me to start that Monday and it was Thursday when they called!  I said yes and still have flexibility with my schedule and have time off for the wedding!  The job is awesome so far!  Lots of learning and organizing and data entry and cycle counts!  It’s like all the parts of my old job that I liked and I get paid WAY more to do it!  I really see this job as a blessing!  For the first time, I can see a future with a company.  I see myself on at least  a three year plan with them  It’s VERY exciting and doesn’t crush my soul!!!  Also, we totally live in the future!  There is some really interesting stuff going on at my company!  OMG! Also, on my 4th day of work, my boss’s boss let me know he volunteered me to look over the GIANT contract proposal people have been working on for months, because, you know, I have a degree in English and do technical writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WAS BLOWN AWAY by this!  My old jobs never volunteered me for anything positive or interesting!

I’m so happy!  I feel like a champagne bottle filled with joy and excitement!  What an incredibly positive feeling!  Finally, I feel like things are looking up.  I sort of feel like I’d hit rock bottom.  I plan on using ti to build a foundation for my new, more positive, and less stressed future!

Also, I discovered SMASH Books! They are totes fabulous!  It’s like starter scrap-booking for dummies.  And I love it because it is a junk drawer journal that is messy AND beautiful! ❤ So wonderful!

And my cousin is doing so much better!  She’s dealing with stuff now instead of just using distractions to avoid her feelings.  I believe we’re helping each other heal.  I appreciate her friendship a lot and I’m continually surprised by how awesome she is!

Also, she and my future twin planned me an EPIC bachelorette party!  It was super fun!  I dubbed all us ladies the “Glitteratzi” We were!  8 girlfriends plus myself and NO ONE puked, cried, or had drama!!! Everyone just had a fabulous time!  And, I got “exactly as drunk as I wanted to be!” Wooo!  What a party! I was still drunk the next morning at 6am!  LoLz!  I was hungover that afternoon though… ugh!  LoL It was still worth it!

I’m getting married next week! HOLY SHIT! I’m getting married.  Next week! WOW!  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here!  Time seems to have passed very quickly but it is strange because so much has changed in the time I’ve been engaged!  I feel ready for marriage and to “begin” our lives together.  I am also definitely ready for the wedding to be over!  It’s turned out to be nightmarishly expensive!  Also, people have gone crazy about it from the stress.  I just want the spending to stop and the love to flow like it used to!  My poor mom and mother in law… I am saying special prayers for their health and sanity and happiness!  The amount of money we’ve spent on the wedding is staggering…and beggaring… I literally don’t know how my parents have done it!  The final payment for the venue is due a week from tomorrow and we’ll need to “find” another few thousand dollars.

I wish my grandparents could be at the wedding.  My heart aches a bit with their absence.  Lots of other people are coming but I will really miss them.  They have always loved and supported me and Fiance. They actually knew he was the one even before I was ready to admit it to myself.  I hope we can travel like they have.  It is something I aspire to and admire about them.  Fiance and I can’t afford a honeymoon right now.  I had initially thought the wedding would be  a certain price.  It is more then twice that now so there is no way.  Fiance still never got his passport.  I’m still mad about it too…

We are talking about buying a house.  I don’t know if I want one or if I would rather travel, or if I want a newer car… The AC on my car is out.  It will cost $700 to fix.  All the money I’ve dumped into that car… I could have bought something new for sure.  I don’t really have a plan after the wedding past paying off the wedding and not doing more wedding stuff!  Maybe we’ll get a cat… I still would rather have a dog.

It feels like I’m nearing the end of another chapter in my life.  I can see the white space just ahead.  I am apprehensive and excited about it.  I will release the cork and pop/shoot my excitement and my joy into that black space that I can finally see is filled with optimism.

 

Pi Dayand Bridesmaid Shoes

Shoes.  My future mother in law offered to buy my Brides Babe’s bridesmaid dress.  She called to talk with me about it and to ask aka demand about the shoes my two bridesmaids will be wearing.  I don’t care about their shoes! I really don’t!  A couple days ago I thought about the bridesmaid shoes and thought, gee I wonder if it would be cool if their shoes were the other color I haven’t got to use a lot yet.  And then I realized that I literally don’t care about other people’s feet.  All I want is for them to feel beautiful and comfortable on my special day so that they will also have a special day.  But no.  Nope.  That was too easy.  I couldn’t possibly just tell them to figure out what to do with their own hair, jewelry, makeup and shoes because then that would be too easy and putting too much trust into two of my favorite people, who coincidentally have been dressing themselves for more then 25 years each without any input or direction from me, whatsoever! REALLY?!?! SHOES?!?!!?  And yet I’m now filled with anxiety about shoes now.  It really is a ridiculous situation!  I wish she had a project other then the wedding to keep her occupied! GEEZ! 

 

 

Exit Maid of Honor

Today was a hugely intense day!

Today we FINALLY received our first proofs for the wedding invitations!  They were not quite right so we made some changes and hopefully will be able to send them out into the world by the 15th!

Today I also kicked my Best Friend (BF), my maid of honor, out of the wedding!  She has been a terrible friend in the last year.  Ever since she got a boyfriend.  Her first boyfriend ever, in fact.  Her secret boyfriend she couldn’t tell me about because he was married. Also ever since that fight we had about illegal immigration she hasn’t been the same.  Basically, she’s stopped talking to me since I’ve been engaged and that was almost a year ago.  We’ve talked -maybe- once a month.  We used to have standing Tuesday phone dates since we live across the country from each other and we would also text throughout the week.  I literally have not heard from her since January when I asked her to buy the specific bridesmaids dress my Maid of Awesome and I picked out.  All of my wedding planning books say to make sure the bridesmaids dresses have been purchaed by 3 months to the big day.

I’ve been more and more anxious and stressed about stupid BF and her dumb dress and breaking our friendship then I have been stressed by my mom or future mother in law!  I finally realized that I literally cannot deal with this much stress.  Not physically, mentally, or emotionally.  So I called her, texted her, and Facebooked her.  NO ANSWER!  I left messages with each form of communication that I tried asking if she had bought her dress yet. So since the last form of communication I had from her was a text message, I tested her again today asking her if she got my messages, and also her dress.

She FINALLY responded via text by saying, “No.  I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  I’m at the doctor’s office now but will try to call you later.”

It made me incredibly angry all over again. Now she’s seeing a doctor and didn’t even tell me she was sick?  Now I even feel guilty because OMG my BF is sick.  Then I remembered that I’ve been reaching out a few times a week since JANUARY so it’s not like she’s been too sick to respond even once.  Not. even. once. We have been friends since we were freshmen in high school.  We have been friends for 10 years.  We made a high school promise to be there for each other on our wedding days and I honored that promise and asked her to be my maid of honor.  She was so excited in that initial conversation and then everything just fell further and further apart.

She doesn’t want to be in my wedding and it doesn’t feel like she even wants to be my friend either.  So I gave it until after 5pm and called her again.  STILL NO ANSWER!

So I texted her, “Hi.  I know you are incredibly busy and have  a lot going on.  Maybe it was unfair of me to put so much pressure on you about the wedding.  Don’t worry about getting a dress.  I hope you can still come as a guest.  We;re still friends and I know if you could do it, you would.”

She called me two hours later and we talked for the first time in months.  She said she really can’t afford the dress and I said I knew and that it was ok and that I hoped she could still come to the wedding anyway as a guest. (It wasn’t ok and she could afford it.  She makes more then I did an hour at my last job and I made bank!  Also, I had already offered to pay for the dress five months ago and again three months ago, so that was a bullsh!t excuse!)  We talked for an hour and a half.  It was actually nice because I miss her!  I miss our friendship!I hope we will still be able to be friends and that she’ll stop being so selfish!

Also, exciting job prospect in the wings!  But I’m tired and going to sleep for the moment!  I think I may actually sleep tonight because as awful as this day was… at least now I know.  At least a decision has been made so I can move forward without something that should be so positive instead weighing me down all the time.

 

Wedding Planning Nightmare Questions

Uuuuggghhhhh Wedding planning!  This beautiful dream has already turning into a nightmare!

The date isn’t right, the venues are too expensive, cookie cutter, bland, or outside. 

The colors don’t make sense.

You have no theme.

Who is in your wedding party?

What city is the wedding in?

Who is the officient? How religious is the ceremony? 

What type of food will be at the reception? 

Who is doing all the hair and makeup? 

Who will do the photography, the cake, the flowers, the decorations? 

How will the napkins be folded? 

What designer dress will you wear? 

What will the bridal party where? 

The groomsmen are wearing what? 

How will you get to the ceremony and/or reception? 

Where will the guests stay? 

How many guests will be attending? 

What kind of food and how will it be served? 

Open, closed, or no bar? 

What about shoes and jewelry? 

And the mothers; what color(s) will they wear? 

What time of day is everything? 

What is the budget? 

Who pays for what? 

What do you want? 

Are you having fun yet? 

Aren’t you just thrilled to be planning a wedding? 

Can we elope yet?  Please?

 

Confidence and Cooking: Meh

Tonight is the night before I start my new job.  I am having trouble sleeping.  It might be the Mountain Dew I drank with dinner…but it definitely is partially due to excitement and nervousness!  After so long in a warehouse, the thought of dressing nicely and sitting all day is a bit daunting.  I admit secretly that I feel out of place.  I helped someone with their resume a couple of days ago and had to wonder if I’m afraid.  That’s really sad!  Has my confidence really become so shaken?  Yes… yes, it has.  I hope I can gain more confidence in the coming weeks.  Until then I will fake it.  Hopefully no one will notice the difference.

I’m not having fun with the wedding planning.  We can’t do any planning without a date or a venue.  The venues are all going to be obscenely expensive!  I feel ill just thinking about it.  Also, my parents are really unsupportive of the date.  There are a few reasons why: heat, school, soon, and cost.  I don’t know if they can help financially at all or not.  Realistically, I think not so I don’t really know where that leaves Fiance and I.  Like I said… not having fun!  I don’t want to waste time looking at and worrying about something that may never happen in the first place.

I feel selfish being so happy about my new job and planning a wedding when there’s such sadness, chaos, and problems in the lives of the people I care about.  Maybe it’s a symptom of my lack of confidence.

Also, I’m scared to attempt P90X again.  There are so many what ifs involved.  I want to be smaller.  I want to be a size 10!  I know I can do it but it feels like a long hard road.  I went shopping at Marshall’s for new business casual work clothes.  It was a really unique experience because it was so much fun!  I really had a great time and I was quite successful!  I need to keep losing weight so I can continue to have positive shopping experiences!  We need to eat healthy again but it’s hard because it is so expensive.

Also, cooking is meh.

Maybe things will be different with this new job.  With so much changing so fast I don’t feel like it has all sunk in yet.  I haven’t quite landed on my feet or found my footing.  Time will help but with time comes more change.  I am so much better already and I feel happier.

I need to allow myself to bask in joy and love and remember to smile.