I’ll Become a Hermit!

Still don’t have a new job.  I’ve been on a few interviews but either didn’t get he job or I didn’t want the job.  I finally experienced having an interview and not getting the job.  It really sucks and I could have done without that particular experience.  I had two phone and one in person interviews with the study abroad company I wanted to work for.  They instead went with some guy instead of me.  I don’t know why.  I’m telling myself it is because he studied at one of their programs but I don’t really know.

In other news…Fiance got fired.  It happened a couple of days after my official last day at the call center.  His boss, the store manager was a nice about it since the order came from the district manager.  He “let” Fiance quit instead of being fired.  Now we have our savings, last paychecks, taxes, and too much time.  At first I tried to tell myself it must be a sign from the universe.  If it is, then I’m not sure what we’re supposed to be doing.  I wish it was to move to another country but with my family’s health the way it is, I just can’t see that happening.  I feel so lost. I don’t know what I want to do other than write.  It also sucks because I’ve really lost confidence in myself AGAIN.

The jobs that seem the most interesting feel so unattainable.  Maybe I should look at getting my Master’s Degree.  But in what?  See, I lack direction and confidence.  I just want something I can be passionate about.  There’s so much I want to do in life but I just feel like I’m settling into dissatisfaction and regret.  I don’t know how to change my situation, or even if I want to.  What else would I do?

LIFE IS SO HARD!  I’m not sure I like being a grownup…

Also, I’m terrible at managing friendships.  I just ignore people until they finally forget about me.  I don’t know why I do that.

Maybe I really should get a cave in Peru?  Then I might just disappear though… Escape into my cave library with internet access and just diffuses into nonexistence.  I need my confidence back!  I need to believe in myself again!  I don’t need to move to a secret library lair in a cave and become a hermit.  That’s probably not the best idea I’ve ever had… even if it does sound the most appealing… I would have red and purple and orange cushions and soft rugs and a view of the ocean from my cave.  And a postal service that delivered ancient books and manuscripts to me whenever I wanted them.  And an ice cream machine.