Confidence and Cooking: Meh

Tonight is the night before I start my new job.  I am having trouble sleeping.  It might be the Mountain Dew I drank with dinner…but it definitely is partially due to excitement and nervousness!  After so long in a warehouse, the thought of dressing nicely and sitting all day is a bit daunting.  I admit secretly that I feel out of place.  I helped someone with their resume a couple of days ago and had to wonder if I’m afraid.  That’s really sad!  Has my confidence really become so shaken?  Yes… yes, it has.  I hope I can gain more confidence in the coming weeks.  Until then I will fake it.  Hopefully no one will notice the difference.

I’m not having fun with the wedding planning.  We can’t do any planning without a date or a venue.  The venues are all going to be obscenely expensive!  I feel ill just thinking about it.  Also, my parents are really unsupportive of the date.  There are a few reasons why: heat, school, soon, and cost.  I don’t know if they can help financially at all or not.  Realistically, I think not so I don’t really know where that leaves Fiance and I.  Like I said… not having fun!  I don’t want to waste time looking at and worrying about something that may never happen in the first place.

I feel selfish being so happy about my new job and planning a wedding when there’s such sadness, chaos, and problems in the lives of the people I care about.  Maybe it’s a symptom of my lack of confidence.

Also, I’m scared to attempt P90X again.  There are so many what ifs involved.  I want to be smaller.  I want to be a size 10!  I know I can do it but it feels like a long hard road.  I went shopping at Marshall’s for new business casual work clothes.  It was a really unique experience because it was so much fun!  I really had a great time and I was quite successful!  I need to keep losing weight so I can continue to have positive shopping experiences!  We need to eat healthy again but it’s hard because it is so expensive.

Also, cooking is meh.

Maybe things will be different with this new job.  With so much changing so fast I don’t feel like it has all sunk in yet.  I haven’t quite landed on my feet or found my footing.  Time will help but with time comes more change.  I am so much better already and I feel happier.

I need to allow myself to bask in joy and love and remember to smile.

 

Anxious Reality

I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious.  Things are not bright at the moment.  I have slept less than seven hours the last two nights combined because I’ve been so anxious.  Things that are bothering me/I’m anxious about include:

My dad’s health

My mom’s health

My parent’s relationship

Boyfriend

The Babies (Olddog and YoungDog)

My job

My health

My living situation

My car

Money

MONEY

So, there are other worries also, but these are the ones with resounding echos and repeats in my head.  I am writing them now to get them out of my head so I can try to sleep and let the echos bounce within the pages of my journal.

(Author’s Note: Sadly, I still worry about many of these things even though it’s been 3 years…  I dithered about whether to include this post or not on my blog because it’s very personal and it includes things I don’t like to discuss with people.  I finally decided to include it because I want this blog to be a place where I can be myself and if people in the world see that, even the dark parts, then that needs to be ok.  Maybe someone else with anxiety induced insomnia will stumble across this post and realize they are not alone and it might help them.  I don’t know because I sat down to enter this and read through it and got all anxious myself so hopefully it doesn’t make someone else’s anxiety worse!  I can’t worry about other people’s feelings right now.  It’s time for me to be selfish.  This blog is about me and my feelings.  I try to find the magic in the world because a candle loses nothing by lighting other candles.  I hope that if I go through life as a candle helping bring light to other people that maybe it will burn some of the darkness out of me where it hides because I try not to show it to other people.  I don’t want to add more darkness to the world.  I want to add light.  That’s why this post is hard to write and why I’m stalling by doing this Author’s Note… *sigh* No more excuses.  Here is a glimpse of the shadows flickering behind my light.)

My dad’s health:  My dad has back/spine/neck damage/problems.  Disks 3&4, 4&5, 5&6, 6&7 all have problems.  He was a landscaper his whole life and worked incredibly hard physically (and in general).  There are a few different causes but the terrifying reality is his severe pain and his inability to work like he has for his whole life.  He’s so hurt he can’t even really play XBox anymore.  That really sucks because that used to be his way of zoning out from the pain and giving himself a break.  He needs back surgery on his spine.  The kind where they go in through his throat and fuse his bones together with a metal plate.  He could have had the surgery 5 years ago and so it was that bad then but now its 5 years worse!  He’s scared.  He hasn’t told me that in as many words but I can tell.  He’s gone to a physical therapist and wants another option besides surgery.  There’s not really another option.  He’s scared for his quality of life as he gets older.  I’m scared for him too.

My parent’s relationship: I think both my parents are really depressed.  I worry that they might get a divorce even though they are getting along much better than they used to.  My dad’s unemployment is about to run out and my mom doesn’t make enough money herself to cover all the bills.  On top of that they have medical bills, 2 dogs, and no end in sight.  My dad really can’t work.  Between cutting out the hard or not at all physical labor and having to pass a drug test (he uses pot medicinally to help with his spine pain), things are looking quite grim indeed.

My mom’s health: I think my mom pretty much hates her job.  The nepotism at the library is so over the top I don’t know how she deals with it.  It infuriates me to hear some of the stories about her work.  I hear “library” and think “how awesome!  I’d love to work there!” but then I hear about what it’s really like and yeah it has really awesome elements but on the other hand people insist on doing things the same way they’ve always done them, just because they’ve always done them that way.  That’s not logic, that’s being stubborn and I don’t understand why people are so resistant to change if it’s helpful change.

Cousin: My awful cousin is FINALLY gone to boarding school so he is out of my grandparent’s home.  They seem to be going/have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY though.  When did that happen?  How did I miss it?  Oh yeah, I missed it because they’ve chosen that awful cousin over literally the rest of the family and pushed everyone away.  They are so hurtful and supportive and cruel to my family now and it breaks my heart.  They used to be so loving and supportive and held all sorts of family events and their home was a place of love and celebration.  Yeah, sometimes grandpa would get drunk and yell at everyone but once we got that out of the way the party could continue… “Poor AwfulCousin” is all they care about now.  They did not even get Christmas presents for anyone else.

My parent’s other property in NeighboringTown to HomeTown: Things keep getting worse there.  I still don’t really know just how screwed we are but the more I learn, the scarier it gets.  Every time we think we have good renters the jerks just come and steal them.  Literally they wait until a couple of months before their lease is up and go up to the front door and tell the renters that we are raising the rent (which is a LIE) and who knows what else.  Then they tell them that their property is just like this one and oh hey, is even cheaper a month (because it IS since the used the floor plans that my parents developed and bought the corner lot adjacent to this one that my parents were going to buy the following month and then built the same set up we have and instead of finding their own renters they keep stealing ours and undercutting the rent which they can afford to do because they can afford to do that.)  I really hate people.  I mean, who does that?  What sort of lifelong friend stabs you in the back over a piece of land in a town that looks like it will have good property values in a couple years but right now is pretty worthless and then continues to twist the knife at every opportunity?  I just cannot wrap my head around it!

I don’t have a safe/happy/good reality at the moment and even fiction stories are not helping me block it all out.

Today my mom told me they are considering bankruptcy. The unfairness of IT ALL strikes me and makes my throat ache.  My parents have lasted through cancer, cancer again, a kid (me), a kid going through college (me again), a home business that was on and off again, addictions, people screwing them over, so many obstacles and trying to invest and then cruel and deceitful people finally break everything.  It’s SO unfair!  I know the world is unfair but I don’t understand why bad things always seem to happen.  And why do they always happen at the same time too?  I’m almost paralyzed with fear for was.  What can I do to help?  What will happen to us all?

Pets: OldDog is so old.  He tired to jump onto my bed last time I was home visiting and missed.  That has never happened before.  I picked him up and held him and cried and cried while he licked my arm trying to comfort me.  He can’t help where he goes to the bathroom anymore.  It’s gross but he’s old and can’t help it and we still love him.  I don’t think he’s in pain but I’m terrified he is and I’m just not around enough to really know.  The time is approaching when we are going to have to decide if he needs to go to sleep.  I’m unsure and terrified of what will happen.  He’s been my baby since I was in third grade.  I already miss him so much because I don’t live with him.  I sometimes call the house when I know my parents are gone and leave a voicemail to the dogs telling them what good puppies they are and asking if they want a treat.  When my parents get home the dogs are all excited and barking and jumping around and they know its time to give them cookies cuz I left them a happy voicemail.  YoungDog is so dumb and has learned such bad habits from OldDog that I worry about what will happen to her.  She’s really sweet but such a spazz!

Boyfriend: Things with Boyfriend are alright.  We still love each other madly and are planning on our future together.  I can see now and I don’t know how to move forward.  I don’t know how to get to where I want to be.  There are no sure or right answers to these tough questions.  He has his stupid 6 month lease that he signed since I moved up here, his job that he seems to love (or at least really enjoy) that he is amazing at, and a car, and a life in CollegeTown.

Living situation: I’m in BigCity living with a grandma who’s never there, a goat, a cat, and two dogs that eat better then I do.  I work 10-12 hours a day at $10 an hour.  I can’t afford to move out of this house.  I don’t know if I even want to move out if I can’t move in with Boyfriend.  I can’t afford to live because I make so little money.  I spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas EVERY week because this place is so far away. It’s really super scary trying to make it on my own.  And I am because my parents are not really in a position to help me.  They say they can help if I need it but how can I believe them when they say that but then also tell me about all the financial worries they’re facing?  How do I go on with my family in so much trouble?  How can I just live down here and selfishly try to do what I want when maybe if I moved home and got a job it could help them out? What do I do if they are going to file bankruptcy?  Is it too late to do anything anyway?

Job: My job is SUPER boring and I HATE it!  I literally loathe it. I’m already bitter and it hasn’t even been four whole months yet.  Cycle Counts are interesting but I just need more money.  The Tech test is $130 and getting that much money seems hard to me! That’s pretty surprising because I thought it would be easier by far to move to that position.  The test itself is a lot of math and memorizing abbreviations.  I may get hosed if I do spend the money and then can’t pass the stupid test.

Car: My car is old and is my only mode of transportation.  I live too far from work in BigCity to take a bus or even a series of buses to get to work.  Also with my strange hours the buses don’t even run that early in the morning or that late at night if I was to switch shifts to night shift.  Troubling. It’s all troubling.

My health: My allergies are INSANE!  I have an allergy appointment on Wednesday morning with an allergist in BigCity instead of the one I’ve tried to still see in CollegeTown.  I don’t know the company name, address, or Doctor name at the moment.  I hope it helps me be able to breathe.  I don’t like being reminded of my serious problems with the most basic part of being alive (breathing)!

I took two Benadryl before I started writing this and am finally falling asleep!!!! FINALLY  I have friends but it worries me too.  I wonder about the future and can see where I want us all to be in that future but I don’t know how to make it happen. I wish magic was real so there would be an easier answer or at least more options.  I’ll write more later because I’m going to go sleep like a rock.

Some Nights to Someday

Today I returned to Roommate’s house from a stay in CollegeTown.  I went down Friday afternoon and got an allergy shot.  It was good to see Boyfriend.  We hung out with Y-Friend (Y) on Saturday and it was awesome!  She’s such a good friend!  S-Friend (S), CS-Friend (CS), and CD-Friend (CD) were dumb as usual (as usual lately anyways).  We were going to go to a part for S but Boyfriend was informed it was turned into a “boys night” which is STUPID because non of them have ever (in the two years I’ve known them) had girlfriends!  So, really they just want to exclude me, which really hurts, despite my trying not to care.  I’m glad I have Boyfriend because I feel quite lonely at this junction in my life.

I am unsettled…. I have a HomeTown phone number, an address is CollegeTown, and a job in BigCity.  When someone asks where I’m from, I can just reply: “State” because I’m so spread out that it’s true!  I finished a book today and am reminded of my blog… three entries in and I moved and stopped writing.

(Author’s note:  This was a previous attempt at blogging which never made more then those three initial entries.  This blog is a data entered journal that has been edited to remove incriminating Proper Names and Places and is being written in 2013.)

It’s late (almost midnight) and I should be asleep, having gone to bed hours ago.  Instead, I’ve been tiredly wandering around my bookshelf and aimlessly watching T.V.  Today I bought some shoe inserts.  I hope they help my poor feet!  Despite my faerie fans this big “empty” house is freaking me out.  I keep hearing strange noises.  Blah. Roommate offered her bed and I can’t help but wonder if it’d be an improvement to this damn futon with its stupid extender nonsense that makes me sleep in a tiny tiny curled ball.  I won’t sleep there even if it is better because that’s just strange.

I wish Boyfriend was here!  I found a chain of the company he works at right on my way to work!  I hope he can be promoted and transferred somewhere near my job.  I love him SO much!  Someday we’ll get married.  It makes my heart sing to think about!

(Author’s Note: Turns out, I was right!  We DID get married!  We got married on our 6 year anniversary! And Boyfriend (Now Husband) DID get promoted and transferred, even if it did take him 9 months!)

On sweet love-filled thoughts of the future, I will now try to sleep.

Goodnight and sweet dreams!

Ripples

The most fascinating things happen in the depth of the night when the entire world seems to sleep.  As an insomniac, I have a unique outlook on the world.  While many people fear the dark, I find it a friend.  When it is the middle of the night and I step outside, separating myself from the confines of four walls, a roof, and artificial light, the stars shine just for me, the clouds wave and the wind rushes to welcome me outside with a hug.  The absolute silence of the night sky is a stark contrast to the frantic sunshine abundant during the day.  With daylight, plants rush to grow, people rush to work, animals rush to frolic, and by the end of the day the sun is so exhausted from watching over the world, it gratefully slips to sleep.  At night, time seems to diminish, the world breathes deep in relaxation, and the stars giggle with childlike innocence while keeping track of the anonymous night dwellers.

One night while on a camping trip and everyone excluding myself was asleep, I decided to climb a tree to watch the peaceful river ramble past.  The stars reflected in the river’s surface mirrored a serenity I had been seeking within myself.  I was perched in a tree, on a limb unfolding for the other side of the river with all its energy, when I had a revelation.  When you throw a rock into a river, what happens?  The rock is a catalyst; the surface ripples from the rock’s point of entry.  The ripples begin with brevity, but rapidly flourish in number and size, eventually encompassing the entire surface of the water, until gradually they cease and fade, leaving nothing but a memory.  The rock, however, is still at the bottom of the river.  The memory is not a lone survivor.  All the water that will pass over the rock will be affected by it.  Although the river may appear to remain unchanged, it has been forever altered due to the addition of the rock.

Life works in much the same way.  I meet someone, I have an effect on that person and they have an effect on me.  A teacher, for example, will teach a class and each student will take a memory of that teacher with him or her.  The memory is a new addition to the student, thus the student has been changed.  The student will interact with other people, spreading the teacher’s effect.  This happens constantly with everyone, even if no one is aware of it.  Certain people persist to stick in your memory.  They are the rock and not simply a ripple.  Those are the people I ponder in the middle of the night, as I lay awake thinking about my day and allowing memories to bubble to the surface of my thoughts, forging a change within me.  Their actions, words or ideas linger and alter me.  I hope to be one of those people who persist in creating a memory.  I hope that as I ripple through life throwing myself into various rivers I will inspire others to realize their uniqueness as a rock and as a ripple.  I hope that they will realize they have the power to forever change the lives of those around them.  “You must be the change you seek to see in the world.” –Gandhi