TOTAL BLOG EXCITEMENT!!!

OMGOMGOMG!!!!!

I just found out that one of my favorite websites, Offbeat Home & Life, is going to publish a blog post I wrote!!!!!!

I wrote the post a month or so after I got married back in 2012 and tucked it away.  A few days ago I found the post, thought it was awesome, and I polished it up and posted it here under the date when I originally wrote it.  It’s called “Stir Fridays, Wedding-Free Wednesdays, and Tasting Tuesdays.”  My favorite part about the post is that my husband and I still do Stir Fridays!!!  You guys, it’s been 3 years since we got married and we still do this habit we started in the year before that…  That’s amazing! That’s why I liked the post so much, because it made sense and was still working!  To be fair (and honest) we don’t do Stir Friday every week, but whenever we have stir fry, we call it that.  We still cook dinner together when we can and we still call a lot of our cooking experiences “Adventures in Cooking.”

We don’t generally go out to dinner on Tuesdays anymore either because our schedules have changed dramatically since I wrote the post.  We do keep a list of new restaurants to try and when neither of us has something specific in mind for dinner, we go to the list!  We moved about four months ago and although we’re only a few blocks from our old apartment we are technically in a new city.  We’ve been dutifully exploring new restaurants and delivery places.  We are still searching for a delicious pizza place but we found the most AMAZING sushi restaurant!

Wedding-Free Wednesdays has mostly faded from our routine… I think that using that rule/habit worked for us that we used until we didn’t need it anymore.  Perhaps our communication skills have gotten better and/or we just don’t have that kind of huge stressful event weighing down on us anymore.  While we don’t have a whole day set aside I think we are both good at communicating when we get overwhelmed and then we ease back off the topic or work to resolve the thing causing stress.

I’m so scared and excited!  Sending the post to Offbeat Home was a huge deal for me because:

1) I love that site and read it (seriously) every day,

2) I shared something I wrote with the intent to get it published, and

3) I linked the post to my blog.

I did a happy dance when I got the email and I ran around my house yelling about how excited I am!  Then, I made my husband dance with me and I read him the email (punctuated with lots of OMGs)… Now I figured I better post something with this year’s date on it so that if someone clicks the link to the blog they don’t think it’s a dead blog! Which leads me to…

A Little about the Blog

I have been posting on this blog for a couple of years now.  The way I usually post is to post things that I wrote in the past.  I like to do that because looking back I can add context to make the “old” stuff have more layers of meaning.  Like, the Stir Fridays thing… I posted it because it worked for us and is just a normal part of our lives now.  I love the before and after of the post. These days I try to post at least once a week.

I often consider posting about more recent events in my life but it’s complicated…  This is my “secret” blog.  I haven’t shared this blog with my family or friends because I wanted a place to share my writing without the anxiety of knowing everyone on my Facebook feed will be sent an update about it.  A lot of what I write about involves the people in my life and it’s not always comfortable to know that they’re going to read it.  (Since I stopped being friends with jerks I figure that if I told my friends I had a blog, they would probably read it.)   This blog started as a way for me to get more comfortable with sharing my writing.  (Seems like it’s working since I shared a post with a big website!)  Eventually I want to get comfortable enough that I will send my novel out into the world to try and find an editor and publisher.

There are a couple gaps when I stopped posting for a while… During one of these gaps I had a job where I didn’t feel comfortable having a “secret” blog because I was pretty sure it would get found, so I let it just hang out for a while.  After I changed jobs I picked the blog up again.  Then, last October I had some major medical issues to deal with (Downside, 3 major abdominal surgeries within 5 months. Brightside, not cancer! WOO!)   I’m actually still healing/recovering from these surgeries (nerve pain is a lingering, spiteful b**ch) but I’m getting better and that’s awesome! I’m working on a post about my advice on dealing with medical stuff when you have severe medical anxiety. I (perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not) have found a lot of success in dealing with medical-related things such as:

  • Scheduling appointments,
  • Actually going to medical appointments,
  • Having major surgeries,
  • Dealing with work after you’ve been injured and while you’re recovering,
  • Organizing medical bill and insurance statement mail,
  • Paying medical bills, and
  • Working with your partner throughout all that stuff above.

That post is one I also plan on sending to Offbeat Home because I looked for advice on this sort of stuff and it was hard to find.  I’m also going to be continuing to post about my Study Abroad trip to Italy. In addition, I’ll be posting my favorite photos from National Geographic’s photo of the day, funny things from Pinterest, and lots of book-related posts.

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and reading my stuff!  If you have requests for the type of posts you’d like to see more, please let me know if the comments below!

Ciao!

Rage Against the Dying of the Light

My dad has cancer.  Yesterday I spent 13 hours finding out my dad has cancer, waiting while he had a biopsy tumor extraction, and recovered from surgery.  Trying to process everything yesterday while trying to be strong, have courage, be brave, be a duck.  Water off a duck’s back, floating on the tumultuous surface, I don’t know. Trying to deal with it. Waiting. Waiting. Praying. Hoping. Coping.

 

Of all the things I’ve ever worried about in my entire life… my dad getting cancer did not make the list.  I am caught flat footed.  It takes the wind from my sails.  I am wholly unprepared for this.

 

I don’t know what to do, what to think. My poetry brain has kicked in to try and cope.  No drinking, smoking, self harm, nonsense or shenanigans.  Healthy coping mechanisms.  Read. Write. Create poetry.  Meditate.  Count.  Breathe. Breathe.  Breathe.  Remind myself to breathe again. Keep breathing.  Make lists. Shove the feelings down deep.  No, try to feel.  Nope, too hard to feel.  Ok shove those feelings away.

Hands shaking, anxiety weighted in my chest.

 

Realize: He found out last Friday.  Told my mom Saturday night.  Mom told Husband Monday night.  I found out Tuesday morning.  Why am I the last person to find out?  Bad enough it’s happened.  Now the lies.  Betrayal.  As if dealing with the cancer was not bad enough now I deal with deceit as well.  What do  I do now?  How do I start to deal with all this?  How do I cope? What do I do now?

 

Will I ever escape the rage I feel inside?

“When” We Children, Not “If” We Will Have Children

I don’t like going to the doctor.  In fact, I’m pretty terrified of going to the doctor.  I hate needles and hospitals and doctor offices.  Since I hardly ever go to the doctor, when I do go it’s because I’m really sick.  Consequently, the doctor always tells me I’m really sick.  So then I don’t like going to the doctor because they always tell me I’m sick… I’m terrified that I am going to get cancer because my mom had cancer and I’ve just always thought that I would get it too. I do not have the most healthy way of looking at doctors or getting sick but it is something I have been working on improving.  My husband knew about my loathing of all things medical before we got married.  After we tied the knot we sat down and I really explained to him that I was terrified of getting cancer, rational or not it has been a fear that has governed every medical interaction I have had since I was 16 at least…  He pointed out that not all cancer is hereditary and that I have lived a very different lifestyle then my mom.  Also, no one else in my family has cancer so the situation might not have the odds I’ve always feared.  After that talk I realized that whether I end up getting cancer or not is actually not the main issue.  The main issue is whether I am going to take care of myself or not.  I want to be a strong, healthy partner just as I expect my husband to be a strong, healthy partner.  That means we both needed to reevaluate our feelings about doctors.

I started with the dentist.  I’ve had a cracked tooth (rear molar) for a couple of years and have never gone to the dentist to get it fixed.  I’ve literally just chewed on the other side of my mouth.  For years.  So I scheduled myself a dentist appointment and even showed up.  I found the dentist by doing lots of online research.  I found a place that specializes in “gentle dentistry” aka people with dental phobias or who have really sensitive teeth.  After finding that place I compared online reviews with lots of other places who specialized in the same thing.  I found the one that was ranked the highest and made an appointment.  It ended up being really great!  The dentist and dental assistants, even the lady at the front desk, all listened to me and explained things when I told them if I knew what was coming I wouldn’t jump.  It was a really positive experience.  That turned out to be good because I’ve seen a lot of them since then and I will continue to do so.  When you don’t go to the dentist for 5 years or so except for that one root canal you couldn’t avoid… your teeth will probably need some work.  My cracked tooth needed a root canal.  I knew that going in.  Turns out the tooth cracked because of the way my teeth connect and I also need another root canal on the same tooth on the other side of my mouth!  That one doesn’t look cracked but actually is down between the teeth.  Oh good… I finally decide to take care of business and now I need $4400 dollars in dental work.  My husband still says it was the right choice.  I’m not so sure.  Meanwhile, I’ve completed the one root canal on the cracked tooth.  It was my third and it was the best root canal I’ve experienced! When my husband gets a job I will schedule the other one.  Right now we just can’t afford it.

So I dealt with my teeth.  The next step is going to a regular physical check up.  I don’t feel quite up for that so I scheduled a lady doctor appointment.  I was only marginally less terrified of this doctor visit then of a normal physical.  I have only seen an OBGYN once and that was eight years ago.  I conducted research to find the best doctor covered by my insurance.  Then I needed to decide if I wanted a doctor that was just a GYN or one that was also an OB.  I decided on the OB because if we decide to have kids and I like the doctor then I don’t want to have to get a new one.  So, I went to that appointment today.  It was not nearly as awful as I was afraid.  I cried twice when I asked the Big Questions that have scared me for years:

1) Do I have the breast cancer gene?

2) Can I have children?

These questions have plagued me for years and I have been too scared of the answers to ever ask them.  The good news is that I can have children! The other good news is that it seems unlikely that I have the breast cancer gene because of our family history.  The bad news is that to really be sure I will need to ask my mom to get a genetic screening and then get a screening myself for comparison.  That doesn’t seem likely because of her own relationship with doctors.  The other questions I had the doctor answered as well.  In fact she took the time to go through each question on my list I brought and patiently answered everything.  In my experience doctors seem more apt to prescribe a pill, let the pharmacist go over it with you, and move on then they are to sit down and talk with you about what’s going on and what to expect.  Key take away from my visit:

Condoms are only 85% effective!

WTF?!?!?!?!  I told the doctor that I thought they were 99% effective and she smiled and asked if I liked the show Friends and learned that from Ross and Rachel’s experience.  (I DID! AND I NEVER KNEW THAT FRIENDS WAS WHERE I HAD GOTTEN MY CERTAINTY THAT CONDOMS WERE 99% EFFECTIVE!!!!) So, turns out we’re REALLY lucky that we haven’t had a pregnancy “scare” because, you know, we use condoms.  Speaking of babies…

My husband almost caused me to crash my car when we were driving back from our honeymoon last November because he said he could picture us having kids “next year.”  For the record, that “next year” is five months away!  With that comment he had moved from how we had been talking about kids: “someday, maybe if we have kids” to the concrete near future certainty about kids: “I can see us making a baby at this time next year.” That was a big startling revelation in our relationship and we have been having an ongoing conversation about kids since then.  It’s like suddenly with that one conversation he gave me Baby Fever!  I had never been partial to babies, not that interested, babies were still hypothetical in my future.  Suddenly I see babies and I’m like “AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! LOOK AT THE WIDDLE TOES!” It’s been a struggle to keep my anxiety and fear at bay because they are so wrapped up in my thoughts about having kids.

Since I’ve always believed I would get cancer, I haven’t wanted to have any children because I don’t want to put them through what I had to go through and I don’t want to put my husband through what my dad had to go through.  Also I’m terrified about how the world is a dark and scary place and how can I bring an innocent child into that?  And what about if the child has a birth defect or a disability or grows up to become a serial killer?!?!?!  And what if I go crazy and then everyone has to deal with crazy me?  And what if something bad happens?  Or what if the baby gets cancer?

I’ve been carrying around all these worries and what ifs for years and I’ve never let myself really consider having a child because all these dark thought were between me and the thought of me having kids being possible.  My husband has dutifully talked through all these fears and more with me and even brought up some of his own… what if our parents try to move in with us to “help,” what if our puppy doesn’t like the baby, what if we lose our jobs and have a baby, what if we want to travel or move across the country?  So we talked about those things as well… and we’ve been talking about these things for the past 7 months.  Finally today I let all the fear and anxiety out at the doctor’s office and shared them with the doctor.  She explained what she could and then patted my hand and told me “you can’t live in the world of what if.  You can’t live in a world governed by fear.  You’ve had some bad things happen in your life.  Some really sad things you’ve had to deal with.  You could use some joy in your life.  Babies bring lots of joy.  It’s ok.  You are a healthy, young, responsible adult in a healthy relationship: go make babies.” And then we smiled at each other.  And I felt this dark creeping cloud that’s been hovering for years just raise up off me while I can still feel it hovering, waiting for me to descend into the dark pit of worries and what ifs, for the rest of today I’ve just been smiling.  I was waiting to make a decision about “the whole baby thing” until I had a sign from the universe.  I don’t know how much more clear the universe can be then having a doctor tell me to “walk thirty minutes a day, take a multivitamin, and make babies.”

I talked with my husband as soon as I got home and told him everything.  We both just smiled at each other and decided: it’s time to invite more joy into our lives and stop letting worries and fear make our decisions for us.  We’ve decided we are going to have a child and now it’s a matter of when, not if.

Bride’s Babe, Writer’s Embarrassment, and Gaining a Twin

Today I asked my future twin to be my “Brides Babe!”  She said yes and is excited!  I’m SO GLAD!  She is going to wear the same style dress as my Maid of Awesome but in blue! So now Maid of Awesome is going to be in purple, Brides Babe is going to be in blue!  Maybe I can get them to wear red shoes or something?  It is so awesome to finally be surrounding myself with positive people.  I really feel quite lucky that we are going to be twins.  I’ve never had a twin before but since I’m marrying an identical twin who also happens to be married we decided that it makes us twins too!  We’re not just sisters in law, we’re twins in law!  Sometimes we say something at the same time and then we both laugh and say that we are working on our twin bond.  🙂  It’s awesome!!! I’m an only child at the moment but after the wedding I will have a brother, a twin, and two younger sisters. OMG!

We also need to figure out what to do for our wedding favors.  And our honeymoon… Fiance still hasn’t’ gotten his passport.  I despair that he ever will.  I think once he travels, he will get the travel bug like me.  We just need to pry him out of his comfort zone the first time and make it happen.  I’m trying to write everyday.  Even if it is just in this journal, I am trying.  Even if I don’t feel that I have much to say, I’m still trying.

Today I bought a power suit!  A wonderful skirt, a long sleeved jacket, and a fun hot pink shirt.  All I need now is an interview… I really hope the bank calls!  I should also focus and apply to the study abroad company job again.  That still seems like such a great place to work!

I will end tonight’s post with a quote from Richard Castle, “I don’t believe in writer’s block.  I believe in writer’s embarrassment.  A writer is embarrassed by the drivel they’re producing.”  That’s the approximate quote because I couldn’t write it down fast enough to remember it exactly but I still love it! SO TRUE! I FREAKING LOVE THAT SHOW! OMG Castle is super amazing!

 

To Grandma or Not to Grandma

So a weird thing is going on and I’m not sure how to feel about it.  My dad’s mom has gotten in contact with me recently.  She sent a card and $50 after I got engaged.  I sent a thank you card in response.  Then she sent us a $100 and a card around Christmas.  Again, I sent a thank you card in response.  Then my dad starts telling me she wants me to call her.  I haven’t and I’ve resisted his attempts to make me, just like I have for years.  My feeling has always been that she is the grown up in our relationship.  If she wants a relationship then she needs to initiate it.  Then in February, she sent a card and a heart shaped thing of decorative pink plastic rosebuds.  They are completely useless in every way!  They don’t smell good, they’re not good for anything, and they’re pink!  WTF?!?!?  Then she called me and left me a voice mail.  I am SO CONFUSED!  I finally mailed a thank you cared today after two (at least) conversations with my dad about it and one with my mom (on his behalf (she later told me)).  I don’t want a relationship with this woman.  I’ve always felt like her and her husband tried to buy my love instead of actually loving or spending time or showing affection or interest in my life.  I’m really upset because graduating from high school wasn’t enough for them to care.  Graduating from college in four years, debt free also wasn’t enough to get her involved with my life.  Now I’ve closed that door and moved on and now that I’m getting married, now suddenly she’s interested in having a relationship with me?!  Last time I spoke to her was around my college graduation three years ago.  She didn’t want to talk about anything other then the fact I’d been dating Fiance-Then-Boyfriend for over two years.  We haven’t spoken since.  I finally purged the negative guilt inflicting me about my relationship with EXBF and it feels like my dad’s mom is trying to slide right into that unfulfilled “gap” in my life.  I’m not sure I want that to happen or if I’ll even allow it.  I’ve always said all she had to do was call me.  Well, after almost 25 years of life she finally did call me and it turns out it’s not good enough. It’s too little too late.  I don’t need or want her in my life.  I’ve been so hurt by that woman and her husband that I won’t even call them my grandparents.  I don’t want to open myself up to that again.  Even though my grandma (my mom’s mom) is not doing well, she is still the Grandma Standard in my life.  She has always loved and accepted me for who I am regardless of what’s been going on in my life.  She has always embraced whoever I brought with me to her house and made them feel welcome, whether it was a friend growing up, a college roommate, or a boyfriend or my Fiance.  her and Grandpa were the first ones tot totally accept and love and embrace Fiance as my future life partner.  Their acceptance helped me realized how Fiance was going to be that future in actuality.  My parents love and accept Fiance even if they all have had some rough patches in their relationship.  I miss my grandparents so much!  My dad’s mom will never fill the void that grandma has always filled.  I don’t even want to give her the chance to try.  Maybe someday I’ll regret it but for now I don’t want to open that door to my heart and let her back into my life.

Anxious Reality

I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious.  Things are not bright at the moment.  I have slept less than seven hours the last two nights combined because I’ve been so anxious.  Things that are bothering me/I’m anxious about include:

My dad’s health

My mom’s health

My parent’s relationship

Boyfriend

The Babies (Olddog and YoungDog)

My job

My health

My living situation

My car

Money

MONEY

So, there are other worries also, but these are the ones with resounding echos and repeats in my head.  I am writing them now to get them out of my head so I can try to sleep and let the echos bounce within the pages of my journal.

(Author’s Note: Sadly, I still worry about many of these things even though it’s been 3 years…  I dithered about whether to include this post or not on my blog because it’s very personal and it includes things I don’t like to discuss with people.  I finally decided to include it because I want this blog to be a place where I can be myself and if people in the world see that, even the dark parts, then that needs to be ok.  Maybe someone else with anxiety induced insomnia will stumble across this post and realize they are not alone and it might help them.  I don’t know because I sat down to enter this and read through it and got all anxious myself so hopefully it doesn’t make someone else’s anxiety worse!  I can’t worry about other people’s feelings right now.  It’s time for me to be selfish.  This blog is about me and my feelings.  I try to find the magic in the world because a candle loses nothing by lighting other candles.  I hope that if I go through life as a candle helping bring light to other people that maybe it will burn some of the darkness out of me where it hides because I try not to show it to other people.  I don’t want to add more darkness to the world.  I want to add light.  That’s why this post is hard to write and why I’m stalling by doing this Author’s Note… *sigh* No more excuses.  Here is a glimpse of the shadows flickering behind my light.)

My dad’s health:  My dad has back/spine/neck damage/problems.  Disks 3&4, 4&5, 5&6, 6&7 all have problems.  He was a landscaper his whole life and worked incredibly hard physically (and in general).  There are a few different causes but the terrifying reality is his severe pain and his inability to work like he has for his whole life.  He’s so hurt he can’t even really play XBox anymore.  That really sucks because that used to be his way of zoning out from the pain and giving himself a break.  He needs back surgery on his spine.  The kind where they go in through his throat and fuse his bones together with a metal plate.  He could have had the surgery 5 years ago and so it was that bad then but now its 5 years worse!  He’s scared.  He hasn’t told me that in as many words but I can tell.  He’s gone to a physical therapist and wants another option besides surgery.  There’s not really another option.  He’s scared for his quality of life as he gets older.  I’m scared for him too.

My parent’s relationship: I think both my parents are really depressed.  I worry that they might get a divorce even though they are getting along much better than they used to.  My dad’s unemployment is about to run out and my mom doesn’t make enough money herself to cover all the bills.  On top of that they have medical bills, 2 dogs, and no end in sight.  My dad really can’t work.  Between cutting out the hard or not at all physical labor and having to pass a drug test (he uses pot medicinally to help with his spine pain), things are looking quite grim indeed.

My mom’s health: I think my mom pretty much hates her job.  The nepotism at the library is so over the top I don’t know how she deals with it.  It infuriates me to hear some of the stories about her work.  I hear “library” and think “how awesome!  I’d love to work there!” but then I hear about what it’s really like and yeah it has really awesome elements but on the other hand people insist on doing things the same way they’ve always done them, just because they’ve always done them that way.  That’s not logic, that’s being stubborn and I don’t understand why people are so resistant to change if it’s helpful change.

Cousin: My awful cousin is FINALLY gone to boarding school so he is out of my grandparent’s home.  They seem to be going/have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY though.  When did that happen?  How did I miss it?  Oh yeah, I missed it because they’ve chosen that awful cousin over literally the rest of the family and pushed everyone away.  They are so hurtful and supportive and cruel to my family now and it breaks my heart.  They used to be so loving and supportive and held all sorts of family events and their home was a place of love and celebration.  Yeah, sometimes grandpa would get drunk and yell at everyone but once we got that out of the way the party could continue… “Poor AwfulCousin” is all they care about now.  They did not even get Christmas presents for anyone else.

My parent’s other property in NeighboringTown to HomeTown: Things keep getting worse there.  I still don’t really know just how screwed we are but the more I learn, the scarier it gets.  Every time we think we have good renters the jerks just come and steal them.  Literally they wait until a couple of months before their lease is up and go up to the front door and tell the renters that we are raising the rent (which is a LIE) and who knows what else.  Then they tell them that their property is just like this one and oh hey, is even cheaper a month (because it IS since the used the floor plans that my parents developed and bought the corner lot adjacent to this one that my parents were going to buy the following month and then built the same set up we have and instead of finding their own renters they keep stealing ours and undercutting the rent which they can afford to do because they can afford to do that.)  I really hate people.  I mean, who does that?  What sort of lifelong friend stabs you in the back over a piece of land in a town that looks like it will have good property values in a couple years but right now is pretty worthless and then continues to twist the knife at every opportunity?  I just cannot wrap my head around it!

I don’t have a safe/happy/good reality at the moment and even fiction stories are not helping me block it all out.

Today my mom told me they are considering bankruptcy. The unfairness of IT ALL strikes me and makes my throat ache.  My parents have lasted through cancer, cancer again, a kid (me), a kid going through college (me again), a home business that was on and off again, addictions, people screwing them over, so many obstacles and trying to invest and then cruel and deceitful people finally break everything.  It’s SO unfair!  I know the world is unfair but I don’t understand why bad things always seem to happen.  And why do they always happen at the same time too?  I’m almost paralyzed with fear for was.  What can I do to help?  What will happen to us all?

Pets: OldDog is so old.  He tired to jump onto my bed last time I was home visiting and missed.  That has never happened before.  I picked him up and held him and cried and cried while he licked my arm trying to comfort me.  He can’t help where he goes to the bathroom anymore.  It’s gross but he’s old and can’t help it and we still love him.  I don’t think he’s in pain but I’m terrified he is and I’m just not around enough to really know.  The time is approaching when we are going to have to decide if he needs to go to sleep.  I’m unsure and terrified of what will happen.  He’s been my baby since I was in third grade.  I already miss him so much because I don’t live with him.  I sometimes call the house when I know my parents are gone and leave a voicemail to the dogs telling them what good puppies they are and asking if they want a treat.  When my parents get home the dogs are all excited and barking and jumping around and they know its time to give them cookies cuz I left them a happy voicemail.  YoungDog is so dumb and has learned such bad habits from OldDog that I worry about what will happen to her.  She’s really sweet but such a spazz!

Boyfriend: Things with Boyfriend are alright.  We still love each other madly and are planning on our future together.  I can see now and I don’t know how to move forward.  I don’t know how to get to where I want to be.  There are no sure or right answers to these tough questions.  He has his stupid 6 month lease that he signed since I moved up here, his job that he seems to love (or at least really enjoy) that he is amazing at, and a car, and a life in CollegeTown.

Living situation: I’m in BigCity living with a grandma who’s never there, a goat, a cat, and two dogs that eat better then I do.  I work 10-12 hours a day at $10 an hour.  I can’t afford to move out of this house.  I don’t know if I even want to move out if I can’t move in with Boyfriend.  I can’t afford to live because I make so little money.  I spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas EVERY week because this place is so far away. It’s really super scary trying to make it on my own.  And I am because my parents are not really in a position to help me.  They say they can help if I need it but how can I believe them when they say that but then also tell me about all the financial worries they’re facing?  How do I go on with my family in so much trouble?  How can I just live down here and selfishly try to do what I want when maybe if I moved home and got a job it could help them out? What do I do if they are going to file bankruptcy?  Is it too late to do anything anyway?

Job: My job is SUPER boring and I HATE it!  I literally loathe it. I’m already bitter and it hasn’t even been four whole months yet.  Cycle Counts are interesting but I just need more money.  The Tech test is $130 and getting that much money seems hard to me! That’s pretty surprising because I thought it would be easier by far to move to that position.  The test itself is a lot of math and memorizing abbreviations.  I may get hosed if I do spend the money and then can’t pass the stupid test.

Car: My car is old and is my only mode of transportation.  I live too far from work in BigCity to take a bus or even a series of buses to get to work.  Also with my strange hours the buses don’t even run that early in the morning or that late at night if I was to switch shifts to night shift.  Troubling. It’s all troubling.

My health: My allergies are INSANE!  I have an allergy appointment on Wednesday morning with an allergist in BigCity instead of the one I’ve tried to still see in CollegeTown.  I don’t know the company name, address, or Doctor name at the moment.  I hope it helps me be able to breathe.  I don’t like being reminded of my serious problems with the most basic part of being alive (breathing)!

I took two Benadryl before I started writing this and am finally falling asleep!!!! FINALLY  I have friends but it worries me too.  I wonder about the future and can see where I want us all to be in that future but I don’t know how to make it happen. I wish magic was real so there would be an easier answer or at least more options.  I’ll write more later because I’m going to go sleep like a rock.

Holiday Highlights

Do I write to remember?  If I write, I will remember.  Do I want to?

Work has been a struggle.  The monotonous reality of bin stocking firmly settled into a draining pallor that clings to my life.

I have a job.  I make $10 an hour.  It is brain rotting, soul crushing, and boring.  I tell myself many things to make it through the 40 hours a week I am required to be at work.  It seriously sucks ass and I officially HATE it!  I haven’t been writing because I had such high hopes and instead I was, in fact, duped.

(Author’s Note:  Finally I realized the truth.  It took me two months to admit it to myself but even longer before I could admit it to anyone else.  The worst part was about two weeks after staring the Inventory job I received a job offer from a big retail chain in CollegeTown and I turned it down because I still believed this job would be like they said in the interview once I was “out of training.”  It wasn’t and I was no longer in training. Wondering about how my life would be different if I had accepted that job and left the garage is one of those pivotal decisions I occasionally wonder about.  Just how different would my life be right now if I had made a different decision at that particular junction?)

Unfortunately, I am grateful to have even this crappy job.  I’m positively affecting the universe in a very direct way…right?  The best part of my job…?  The days off- Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Years!  (All AMAZING by the way!  Nice Thanksgiving with the family south of CollegeTown with Aunt.  Dinner itself was a great happy memory.  I’ve chosen to forget BoardingSchoolCousin’s bull on his way to boarding school.  Christmas was also great, if too short.  I was Roommate’s Hero of Christmas because I found Zhu Zhu pets!!! I found $300 worth for her grand kids!  She was too busy to track them down because of her busy flight schedule but I had extra time and found and bought them for her!  I even wrapped them because I’m a spazz and love wrapping presents.  She said I was the hero of Christmas! I was happy to help!  I facilitated my parents gifts to each other with help from Boyfriend: colored XBox controllers!  They were a huge success and surprise.  I spent all the money I had plus $350 for Roommate on credit (that thankfully she just paid me back this morning), to try and facilitate a happy Christmas for as many people as possible.  I feel successful and happy!  This is the first time I haven’t been a student during Christmas and I have a full time job so I could afford to buy gifts for people!

My Mom and I got to go on one of our special shopping trips and we had a great time finding specials and thoughtful and unique gifts at Old World Imports!  It was a great gift and the Babies (dogs) had lots of fun too!  One of my favorite parts of Christmas was actually the week before.  Boyfriend came up and my Dad, Boyfriend, and I all made Christmas cookies.  We made them all- all the delicious recipes from my childhood that have been passed down since my Dad’s family moved to America from Germany!  It was amazing and my parents and Boyfriend got along so well.  It makes my heart sing with joy to remember… I didn’t have to miss anyone because my family was all in one place!

There was a negative incident with the car (’98 Chevy Blaizir with 4WD) on the way to HomeTown though… deadly storms across the state and I drove home anyway.  It was stupid to do.  I was foolishly overconfident and so lucky.  I skidded off the road 100ft into the snow and went backwards up a hill off the left side of the highway from where I had been driving in the right lane.  The tire blew out and it caused me to lose control of the car and the other tire went flat when I went off the road.  I was terrified but uninjured.  The car worked ok.  I was lucky not to roll the car or hit someone else… I was luck the idle arm connecting that tire had been fixed.  I’m lucky I didn’t go off the right side of the road which was a drop off point. I managed to get the car back on the road and drove 20 miles up the mountain and through town towards my parents house.  About two miles from my house the car just felt like it was driving wrong and the tires sounded really bad and I pulled into the parking lot of my old elementary school and called my dad to rescue me.  I got out and saw the damage to the tires and freaked out even more because I hadn’t realized just how bad they were and I’d been driving for so long on them.  There was no where safe for me to pull off and stop before I got into town and by the time I got to town I was so close to being home I might as well have kept going, so I did.  My dad came and met me at the school and changed one of the tires to the spare and added air to the other and I drove it the last few miles hole while he followed me with his hazard lights on.  The next day we took it into one of those tire places to get repared.  My Dad is so great at bargaining!  We got two tires for $67!!!  Yay lifetime warranty!  They initially were only going to pay to replace the tire that blew out.  Then my Dad pointed out that the other tire blew out as a result of going off the road from the blown out tire and they relented and fixed them both!  Boyfriend is buying me the front two tires as a New Year’s present and because he’s awesome!  Now all the tires will be good!

New Year’s was pretty fun.  It was the first time ever that I was not designated driver or with my family.  I got roaring drunk on five whole mixed drinks!  Boyfriend and his Twin and I all went downtown to a new bar in CollegeTown.  I told Boyfriend that we are moving forward in life and I don’t want to bring in the New Year with old “friends” aka people who treat me like crap.  He agreed wholeheartedly and so we celebrated with just us and his Twin, who is awesome!  We get along because we are both fiercely protective of Boyfriend. (I’ve decided life is hard enough without surrounding yourself with jerks and people who don’t believe in you and who always try to bring you down.)  The bar was lots of fun and I know this is going to be our year!  I’m ready!  I’m ready for the great job, the great place with Boyfriend in BigCity.  I’m finally ready to be engaged.  I’m ready to be happy. My New Year’s resolution: Be Happy.  That is my goal!