Diary of a Cat Video

“Today The Authorities removed the black pants from the couch. Now there is nowhere for me to sleep but the keyboard. Sadly no one is using it.”

LOL This video is amazing!

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Brightest Side of Bright

So much has happened since my last entry!  (As usual!)  I filed for unemployment for my birthday.  It was extremely hard for me to do it but I’m glad I did because we need the money.  I should definitely have done it sooner!  I have been working for 10 years and never used it and that is what it is supposed to be there for… times when you are trying to find a job and are just unsuccessful. That about sums up what I’ve been going through.

I went on a bunch of interviews but it was all scams, collections, or a pyramid scheme!  I loathe people who take advantage of people who are already down!  I’m trying desperately to find a job and instead of real offers these fake scams keep targeting me and I keep almost falling for them!  It’s awful and scary!

Luckily I went on a real interview with a company that looks really interesting!  The position is an Inventory Administration.  I applied because I seemed uniquely qualified for the position with my past work history and my degree but I wasn’t too excited about it because I don’t want to go back to inventory… But I applied because I thought I could get it.  I hadn’t felt so great about an interview since my first job out of college, the warehouse job! I totally rocked the interview!  And I asked three different ways about the job to make sure it was actually interesting and computer based and not bin stocking or lame.  It really seems like the perfect fit for me!  It uses my degree AND my past work experience!  I’m SO excited!!! They called me back the next day and offered me the job!!!! YAY!!!  It pays a little bit less then my last job but that’s okay because it will not crush my soul!  Also it is Mon-Fri from 7-4!  And I will have my own desk and everything!  And there’s not even a ceiling support column sharing my desk space with me!  It’s a real whole desk!  Also- they are excited about my wedding!!  They wanted me to start that Monday and it was Thursday when they called!  I said yes and still have flexibility with my schedule and have time off for the wedding!  The job is awesome so far!  Lots of learning and organizing and data entry and cycle counts!  It’s like all the parts of my old job that I liked and I get paid WAY more to do it!  I really see this job as a blessing!  For the first time, I can see a future with a company.  I see myself on at least  a three year plan with them  It’s VERY exciting and doesn’t crush my soul!!!  Also, we totally live in the future!  There is some really interesting stuff going on at my company!  OMG! Also, on my 4th day of work, my boss’s boss let me know he volunteered me to look over the GIANT contract proposal people have been working on for months, because, you know, I have a degree in English and do technical writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WAS BLOWN AWAY by this!  My old jobs never volunteered me for anything positive or interesting!

I’m so happy!  I feel like a champagne bottle filled with joy and excitement!  What an incredibly positive feeling!  Finally, I feel like things are looking up.  I sort of feel like I’d hit rock bottom.  I plan on using ti to build a foundation for my new, more positive, and less stressed future!

Also, I discovered SMASH Books! They are totes fabulous!  It’s like starter scrap-booking for dummies.  And I love it because it is a junk drawer journal that is messy AND beautiful! ❤ So wonderful!

And my cousin is doing so much better!  She’s dealing with stuff now instead of just using distractions to avoid her feelings.  I believe we’re helping each other heal.  I appreciate her friendship a lot and I’m continually surprised by how awesome she is!

Also, she and my future twin planned me an EPIC bachelorette party!  It was super fun!  I dubbed all us ladies the “Glitteratzi” We were!  8 girlfriends plus myself and NO ONE puked, cried, or had drama!!! Everyone just had a fabulous time!  And, I got “exactly as drunk as I wanted to be!” Wooo!  What a party! I was still drunk the next morning at 6am!  LoLz!  I was hungover that afternoon though… ugh!  LoL It was still worth it!

I’m getting married next week! HOLY SHIT! I’m getting married.  Next week! WOW!  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here!  Time seems to have passed very quickly but it is strange because so much has changed in the time I’ve been engaged!  I feel ready for marriage and to “begin” our lives together.  I am also definitely ready for the wedding to be over!  It’s turned out to be nightmarishly expensive!  Also, people have gone crazy about it from the stress.  I just want the spending to stop and the love to flow like it used to!  My poor mom and mother in law… I am saying special prayers for their health and sanity and happiness!  The amount of money we’ve spent on the wedding is staggering…and beggaring… I literally don’t know how my parents have done it!  The final payment for the venue is due a week from tomorrow and we’ll need to “find” another few thousand dollars.

I wish my grandparents could be at the wedding.  My heart aches a bit with their absence.  Lots of other people are coming but I will really miss them.  They have always loved and supported me and Fiance. They actually knew he was the one even before I was ready to admit it to myself.  I hope we can travel like they have.  It is something I aspire to and admire about them.  Fiance and I can’t afford a honeymoon right now.  I had initially thought the wedding would be  a certain price.  It is more then twice that now so there is no way.  Fiance still never got his passport.  I’m still mad about it too…

We are talking about buying a house.  I don’t know if I want one or if I would rather travel, or if I want a newer car… The AC on my car is out.  It will cost $700 to fix.  All the money I’ve dumped into that car… I could have bought something new for sure.  I don’t really have a plan after the wedding past paying off the wedding and not doing more wedding stuff!  Maybe we’ll get a cat… I still would rather have a dog.

It feels like I’m nearing the end of another chapter in my life.  I can see the white space just ahead.  I am apprehensive and excited about it.  I will release the cork and pop/shoot my excitement and my joy into that black space that I can finally see is filled with optimism.

 

Not an April Fool’s Day Prank

Living with a crazy lady for five months appears to have made me reckless.

I am now living with two guys BW (18, in high school) and CR (25, works at Website).  They are fellow nerds but also rock climb and do projects and drive motorcycles/speed bikes (ZK1490? Ninja and Kawasaki).

As living at Roommate’s became more and more awful, I stopped writing about it and telling people how bad it was.  After we agreed to extend our agreement, the situation rapidly deteriorated.  By the end of February I was ready to look for other options (as evidenced by my last entry.)  I began searching at the beginning of March and on 3/31 I moved out of Roommate’s and in with the guys!  I’m already SO much happier!  I have roommates!  They’re nice!  We’ve had dinner together my first two nights!  They helped me move in!  I have my own room with just stuff I want in it.  I can lock them out!  I get to keep things in the bathroom!  I get to keep things in the kitchen!  I have a closet!  I have a ceiling fan!  I have a fan that doesn’t squeak ALL the time!  I have a key to the house!  I get to sleep in the house!  If I did die in the garage, my roommates would notice!  There are no pets or crazy old ladies!  I only live 7 miles from work instead of 20 miles!  I won’t have to get up at 4:30 am anymore!  There are no pets!  I get to use the light switches!  I don’t have to check my bed for crickets before crawling under the covers!  I don’t have to wipe out the kitchen sink after using it!  I can throw away paper towels!  I can use their pool instead of just looking at the pool in the backyard!  I know how many people have access to the house!  I can turn off the TV!  I can take a hot shower!  I can get home from work and eat dinner instead of spending an hour feeding someone else’s pets!

I met CR three times before deciding to move in and BW only once.  I saw the house before agreeing and moved in four days later.  A week before that I learned CR was/might be looking for another roommate.

Tonight they took me riding.  We went 145 MPH!!! We also popped a wheely! (Author’s Note:  This is NOT an exaggeration.  Those things really happened (not at the same time. duh.)  Yep, I was definitely reckless!) I rode on the “world’s fastest production motorcycle!  IT WAS AMAZING!  OMG the adrenaline! WOW!  What a thrill!  I did really well!  It was a great roommate bonding experience!  We came home and I made cookies! …There is so much to say about all that has happened.  Most of me doesn’t want to remember any of it (despite the amazing story stuff I could get form it all.)

I keep procrastinating because I don’t want to sleep because that means I will wake up and have to go to work.  I will now go to sleep.  Perhaps when it’s not so immediate I’ll be able to document these recent events.

(Author’s Note: Nope.  Didn’t really happen.  I have happily let most of those shenanigans fade into the black hole of memory and time and occasionally will bring up a few stories if I’m quite intoxicated and asked directly.  Those stories do make a great comedic stand up act….)

Tell That Funny Story About Your Life

Someday, I will look back on all this and be amused.  That day is not today.  Now, living it all, I find myself raging at the circumstances beyond my control.  I find myself feeling trapped and without viable options.  I find myself scared and sick and full of rage.

“Faerie, tell that funny story about your life!” Says AG at dinner.  We are at three tables crowded together in the center of Applebee’s on a Saturday evening after work.  There are twelve of us coworkers there.

“Oh, you mean about how I pay to live with a 62 year old grandma?  Or how about how I sleep in a garage?”

“You sleep in the garage?!” exclaims DS.

“Yes, I pay to sleep in the garage.” I calmly reply.  My right eye begins to twitch.

“Oh my god!  That is not humane!  This is BigCity!  What are you going to do in the summer?” Asks DS.

“Shit, what are you going to do in two weeks when it starts getting hot?” KM retorts.

“Well I already bought a heater.  Yes, a heater, in BigCity.  It gets better though.  Want to know the best part?  She has a goat.”

“A What?” Someone questions.

“Did you say goat?”

“Yes and the best part.  I pay to live with a 62 year old grandma, I sleep in the garage, I live with a goat, and the goat gets the bigger garage.” I say.

“No shit?” Everyone is laughing.

“Oh no, it shits a lot.  Roommate and I had to have a talk about how her goat shits a lot and even though I do, in fact, sweep goat shit every night when I feed the animals, the goat still shits all night and the next ten hours of the day while I’m at work.  She may not think I sweep it up but I do.”  The whole table is laughing while I respond to their incredulous questions.  Their laughter punctuates the “funny story about my life.”

“Oh my god.   And you pay for this? How much do you pay?”

“You should move out!”

“We need to work on an exit strategy for you.”

“I find myself still asking if its worth it.  Is there still value in living there?  Despite the shenanigans and craziness it is quite cheap and I don’t know if I can afford to live anywhere else.”  I am raging about my life to twelve people I work with and they are all laughing hysterically.  I didn’t expect my rage to be amusing but I’m glad my situation is good for something other than rage.  I’ve known that sometimes people find me funny, but I didn’t expect my sincere feelings about the state of my life to bring so much mirth to others.  I guess that when you look at how other people are living it is easier to look at your own life and say, well at least I don’t live in a garage.  At least I don’t live with a goat.  At least the goat doesn’t live in the bigger garage.  “Someday,” I say confidently to the crowd, “this will make a very funny story.”

“That day is today.  Faerie, that day is today” laughs KM.  The rest of the table laughs along and I cannot help but to laugh along with them because it could always be worse.  I could have to share the garage with the goat…

 

Far Too Tired to Fall Asleep

Eventful days have passed since my last entry.  I saw an allergist here in BigCity.  She gave me nasal wash bottle and instructions to wash 2x a day.  It has helped more then I’d expected but is still pretty gross and really unpleasant.  It definitely makes me feel like a snot beast!  She also took me off one of my daily allergy medications (Singulair).  Apparently one of its major side effects is anxiety.  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW EARLIER.  Like I told the doctor, I just thought I was anxious because my life is in chaos.  Apparently not.  So it’s really good to be addressing that situation.  The downside – of course – is that I got sick.  I don’t have bronchitis, yet, which is the bright side.  I managed to get a wretched sinus infection and got steroids and antibiotics (for 10 days).  I was so sick I even missed two days of work!  I’m feeling much better now though (despite sleeping in a garage with the same climate and allergens as the outside since, you know, it’s open to the outside with that stupid gap between the door and the ground that still isn’t fixed.) 

Also, Boyfriend came to visit! YAY!  He came on Tuesday and left Wednesday but it was still amazing!  He met CY (girl who first said hi to me, invited me to Starbucks with her and her friends, and now good work friend), and a couple other friends I’ve made through work.  We all went to a Brewery and it was lots of fun.  Everyone got along really well and I feel better now that Boyfriend’s met everyone!  None of my guy friends came though, which was strange.  It’s ok though because he met the most important people, and of course, so did they!  I have this habit of talking about people like whoever I’m talking to knows the person I’m talking about. Boyfriend even got me early Valentine’s Day flowers so I’d have them for the day!  Yay!  They are quite beautiful and I’m sure they smell wonderful!  ( I don’t actually know how they smell because I can’t breathe though my nose due to the whole being really sick thing I’m dealing with.) 

Today I helped Roommate’s best friend (the one who watches the littledog sometimes) prepare some appetizers for a party she’s having for her other friend.  I volunteered to help and she almost cried from relief.  It was quite fun to help and I learned a cool new party food!  It’s called “Pineapple Porcupine!”  It is 1/2 maraschino cherry, Swiss cheese cubes, pineapple cubes, and cheddar cheese cubes all on a skewer and stuck into  pleasing rounding lines on a pineapple. We alternated the ending food item on each skewer so we had on spiral from the top to the bottom that was red for the cherries, then a spiral line that was white for Swiss cheese, then one that ended with the yellow pineapple, then a spiral row that ended with the orange cheddar cheese.  We put one skewer on each little part of the pineapple.  It was interesting because I had never noticed that those little spiky parts on a pineapple actually do have a spiral pattern!  It was awesome!  The picture below was used from another blog and also used grapes and other fruit.  The blog was right and this piece made a great centerpiece for the food table and also was a tasty crowd pleaser.

pineapple porcupineThis picture was taken from the hydrOtion Natural Skin Care Blog.

 

It went really quickly and we were done with it and 48 deviled eggs by 12:30!  The dog wasn’t even as bad as I was afraid he’d be.  He only ate one plate of cheese and then proceeded to have the WORST gas I’ve ever had the unpleasant experience of smelling.  It was really annoying because I could smell THAT but not my wonderful FLOWERS. LAME!  Roommate’s best friend was really surprised and relieved at how quickly we finished the food.  I had lots of fun and feel great about helping.  She is retired and wants to do so much but its hard for her sometimes to get around.  Also her and Roommate are some of my “go-to” people in BigCity so it feels good to be able to help them in return.  

DARK AND SCARY PART OF POST (REALLY. THAT’S NOT SARCASM): The random and distinctly unsettling part of the day was overhearing a conversation she had on the phone.  I didn’t think much of it at the time but now I can’t sleep because I feel so much anxiety and I think it’s because of what I heard.  Basically, the gist is this: Roommate’s Best Friend has received at least 3 threatening letters.  She shredded the first one but now the post office, police, and FBI are involved.  Someone is threatening to kill her!  He says things like her days are numbered.  She claims not to be worried because she has guns everywhere (which she does because I found two in the kitchen today while I was helping) but she says she’ll for sure press charges against this guy.  I’m not worried about her because I’m sure she is quite capable of protecting herself.  Instead my imagination has run away because of the influences of so many fiction books.  If this guy serioously wants to hurt her but doesn’t want to go after her directly (which he doesn’t because he’s threatening her with letters) then it makes sense to go after the people closest to her.  Well the only person close to her is her bestfriend: my Roommate!  Basically Roommate is her closest/best/only real friend and they’re quite close. Wanting to hurt Roommate’s best friend coud cause someone devious to go after Roommate.  But Roommate is gone flying all the time- but I’m not! I live in her big, empty, scary, house alone most of the time.  I don’t have a gun.  It’s worrisome to think about.  I think I need to learn more about the situation and relax a ton.  Take it down a notch and all that.  It is now 4:24am and I still can’t turn off the lights or TV so I can go to bed.  WTF stupid anxiety?!?!?! ARRRGH! 

(Author’s Note: Turns out I wasn’t overreacting as much as I thought I was.  The guy was her daughter’s ex husband who had gotten out of jail in another state, found Roommate’s Best Friend and traveled to BigCity and was attempting to make contact with a gang so he could put a hit on her.  He was picked up by the police about two months after this entry and is back in jail as far as I know.  I have lost touch with both Roommate and her Best Friend in the last few years but last I heard they were all healthy, happy, and safe.  (Disclaimer:  If you or someone you know has received a threatening letter, take it seriously.  Save the letter and file a police report.  Lock your doors; get a security system, etc.)   Roommate was a crazy lady and when I talked with her about the situation and told her I didn’t feel safe since I didn’t have a key to the house and had to leave it hidden near the front door since she ran a side business out of one of the rooms and had strangers accessing her house while I was and was not there.  She said because of that business I couldn’t take the key and couldn’t use the security system.  She never did give me the code and when I took the key anyway or tried bringing it inside while I was there alone, people would show up and not be able to get in and call her and complain and then the next time I saw her she would scream at me.  Her suggestion for feeling safe:  a wine bottle on my nightstand.  She said I could hit someone with it if I needed to. I sincerely wish I was joking.  It really is amazing what you can grow accustomed to.)

Lighter note:  Oh yeah, on another note- today I got a haircut!I went to one of those little chains and for $19 including tip I washed my hair and cut 3 inches off.  It looks much the same as before, but shorter and healthier.  I think I like it.  I’m growing out my natural color.  That part, I love.  We will see how the hair really is over the next few days.  I hope it’s good because it feels really good.  Now I’m going to try and sleep again.  What a crazy, interesting day!  What a crazy, interesting life! Ciao!

Anxious Reality

I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious.  Things are not bright at the moment.  I have slept less than seven hours the last two nights combined because I’ve been so anxious.  Things that are bothering me/I’m anxious about include:

My dad’s health

My mom’s health

My parent’s relationship

Boyfriend

The Babies (Olddog and YoungDog)

My job

My health

My living situation

My car

Money

MONEY

So, there are other worries also, but these are the ones with resounding echos and repeats in my head.  I am writing them now to get them out of my head so I can try to sleep and let the echos bounce within the pages of my journal.

(Author’s Note: Sadly, I still worry about many of these things even though it’s been 3 years…  I dithered about whether to include this post or not on my blog because it’s very personal and it includes things I don’t like to discuss with people.  I finally decided to include it because I want this blog to be a place where I can be myself and if people in the world see that, even the dark parts, then that needs to be ok.  Maybe someone else with anxiety induced insomnia will stumble across this post and realize they are not alone and it might help them.  I don’t know because I sat down to enter this and read through it and got all anxious myself so hopefully it doesn’t make someone else’s anxiety worse!  I can’t worry about other people’s feelings right now.  It’s time for me to be selfish.  This blog is about me and my feelings.  I try to find the magic in the world because a candle loses nothing by lighting other candles.  I hope that if I go through life as a candle helping bring light to other people that maybe it will burn some of the darkness out of me where it hides because I try not to show it to other people.  I don’t want to add more darkness to the world.  I want to add light.  That’s why this post is hard to write and why I’m stalling by doing this Author’s Note… *sigh* No more excuses.  Here is a glimpse of the shadows flickering behind my light.)

My dad’s health:  My dad has back/spine/neck damage/problems.  Disks 3&4, 4&5, 5&6, 6&7 all have problems.  He was a landscaper his whole life and worked incredibly hard physically (and in general).  There are a few different causes but the terrifying reality is his severe pain and his inability to work like he has for his whole life.  He’s so hurt he can’t even really play XBox anymore.  That really sucks because that used to be his way of zoning out from the pain and giving himself a break.  He needs back surgery on his spine.  The kind where they go in through his throat and fuse his bones together with a metal plate.  He could have had the surgery 5 years ago and so it was that bad then but now its 5 years worse!  He’s scared.  He hasn’t told me that in as many words but I can tell.  He’s gone to a physical therapist and wants another option besides surgery.  There’s not really another option.  He’s scared for his quality of life as he gets older.  I’m scared for him too.

My parent’s relationship: I think both my parents are really depressed.  I worry that they might get a divorce even though they are getting along much better than they used to.  My dad’s unemployment is about to run out and my mom doesn’t make enough money herself to cover all the bills.  On top of that they have medical bills, 2 dogs, and no end in sight.  My dad really can’t work.  Between cutting out the hard or not at all physical labor and having to pass a drug test (he uses pot medicinally to help with his spine pain), things are looking quite grim indeed.

My mom’s health: I think my mom pretty much hates her job.  The nepotism at the library is so over the top I don’t know how she deals with it.  It infuriates me to hear some of the stories about her work.  I hear “library” and think “how awesome!  I’d love to work there!” but then I hear about what it’s really like and yeah it has really awesome elements but on the other hand people insist on doing things the same way they’ve always done them, just because they’ve always done them that way.  That’s not logic, that’s being stubborn and I don’t understand why people are so resistant to change if it’s helpful change.

Cousin: My awful cousin is FINALLY gone to boarding school so he is out of my grandparent’s home.  They seem to be going/have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY though.  When did that happen?  How did I miss it?  Oh yeah, I missed it because they’ve chosen that awful cousin over literally the rest of the family and pushed everyone away.  They are so hurtful and supportive and cruel to my family now and it breaks my heart.  They used to be so loving and supportive and held all sorts of family events and their home was a place of love and celebration.  Yeah, sometimes grandpa would get drunk and yell at everyone but once we got that out of the way the party could continue… “Poor AwfulCousin” is all they care about now.  They did not even get Christmas presents for anyone else.

My parent’s other property in NeighboringTown to HomeTown: Things keep getting worse there.  I still don’t really know just how screwed we are but the more I learn, the scarier it gets.  Every time we think we have good renters the jerks just come and steal them.  Literally they wait until a couple of months before their lease is up and go up to the front door and tell the renters that we are raising the rent (which is a LIE) and who knows what else.  Then they tell them that their property is just like this one and oh hey, is even cheaper a month (because it IS since the used the floor plans that my parents developed and bought the corner lot adjacent to this one that my parents were going to buy the following month and then built the same set up we have and instead of finding their own renters they keep stealing ours and undercutting the rent which they can afford to do because they can afford to do that.)  I really hate people.  I mean, who does that?  What sort of lifelong friend stabs you in the back over a piece of land in a town that looks like it will have good property values in a couple years but right now is pretty worthless and then continues to twist the knife at every opportunity?  I just cannot wrap my head around it!

I don’t have a safe/happy/good reality at the moment and even fiction stories are not helping me block it all out.

Today my mom told me they are considering bankruptcy. The unfairness of IT ALL strikes me and makes my throat ache.  My parents have lasted through cancer, cancer again, a kid (me), a kid going through college (me again), a home business that was on and off again, addictions, people screwing them over, so many obstacles and trying to invest and then cruel and deceitful people finally break everything.  It’s SO unfair!  I know the world is unfair but I don’t understand why bad things always seem to happen.  And why do they always happen at the same time too?  I’m almost paralyzed with fear for was.  What can I do to help?  What will happen to us all?

Pets: OldDog is so old.  He tired to jump onto my bed last time I was home visiting and missed.  That has never happened before.  I picked him up and held him and cried and cried while he licked my arm trying to comfort me.  He can’t help where he goes to the bathroom anymore.  It’s gross but he’s old and can’t help it and we still love him.  I don’t think he’s in pain but I’m terrified he is and I’m just not around enough to really know.  The time is approaching when we are going to have to decide if he needs to go to sleep.  I’m unsure and terrified of what will happen.  He’s been my baby since I was in third grade.  I already miss him so much because I don’t live with him.  I sometimes call the house when I know my parents are gone and leave a voicemail to the dogs telling them what good puppies they are and asking if they want a treat.  When my parents get home the dogs are all excited and barking and jumping around and they know its time to give them cookies cuz I left them a happy voicemail.  YoungDog is so dumb and has learned such bad habits from OldDog that I worry about what will happen to her.  She’s really sweet but such a spazz!

Boyfriend: Things with Boyfriend are alright.  We still love each other madly and are planning on our future together.  I can see now and I don’t know how to move forward.  I don’t know how to get to where I want to be.  There are no sure or right answers to these tough questions.  He has his stupid 6 month lease that he signed since I moved up here, his job that he seems to love (or at least really enjoy) that he is amazing at, and a car, and a life in CollegeTown.

Living situation: I’m in BigCity living with a grandma who’s never there, a goat, a cat, and two dogs that eat better then I do.  I work 10-12 hours a day at $10 an hour.  I can’t afford to move out of this house.  I don’t know if I even want to move out if I can’t move in with Boyfriend.  I can’t afford to live because I make so little money.  I spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas EVERY week because this place is so far away. It’s really super scary trying to make it on my own.  And I am because my parents are not really in a position to help me.  They say they can help if I need it but how can I believe them when they say that but then also tell me about all the financial worries they’re facing?  How do I go on with my family in so much trouble?  How can I just live down here and selfishly try to do what I want when maybe if I moved home and got a job it could help them out? What do I do if they are going to file bankruptcy?  Is it too late to do anything anyway?

Job: My job is SUPER boring and I HATE it!  I literally loathe it. I’m already bitter and it hasn’t even been four whole months yet.  Cycle Counts are interesting but I just need more money.  The Tech test is $130 and getting that much money seems hard to me! That’s pretty surprising because I thought it would be easier by far to move to that position.  The test itself is a lot of math and memorizing abbreviations.  I may get hosed if I do spend the money and then can’t pass the stupid test.

Car: My car is old and is my only mode of transportation.  I live too far from work in BigCity to take a bus or even a series of buses to get to work.  Also with my strange hours the buses don’t even run that early in the morning or that late at night if I was to switch shifts to night shift.  Troubling. It’s all troubling.

My health: My allergies are INSANE!  I have an allergy appointment on Wednesday morning with an allergist in BigCity instead of the one I’ve tried to still see in CollegeTown.  I don’t know the company name, address, or Doctor name at the moment.  I hope it helps me be able to breathe.  I don’t like being reminded of my serious problems with the most basic part of being alive (breathing)!

I took two Benadryl before I started writing this and am finally falling asleep!!!! FINALLY  I have friends but it worries me too.  I wonder about the future and can see where I want us all to be in that future but I don’t know how to make it happen. I wish magic was real so there would be an easier answer or at least more options.  I’ll write more later because I’m going to go sleep like a rock.

WTF Tornado Warning in the Desert?

Last night there was a four hour Tornado Warning on top of the dust storm, thunder storm, and flood warnings.  We live in the desert.  Tornadoes are deal breakers.  We live in a place that doesn’t have things like hurricanes, tornadoes, or earthquakes because those things are deal breakers.  Know why I don’t live in Florida… because there’s hurricanes in Florida! So this weather was completely out of the ordinary.  The weather has been crazy the past few days with almost nonstop rain.  HomeTown got over five feet of snow!  I stated at Roommate’s house in BigCity because I couldn’t afford to leave and the weather made it unsafe to travel.

Last night I cleaned up after the goat and bigdog multiple times.  I checked on them a lot and gave them cookies and sweet hay.  In return, the stupid goat ATE part of the WALL.  Not like pieces off the door frame, or a corner… No, the flat normal part of the wall has goat teeth marks around a freaking HOLE it chewed in it!  There was pee and poop everywhere in their area of the garage AND outside and  because of flooding all the goat poop not mashed into the concrete ended up in the rocks where I can’t sweep it up.  I found this out when Roommate came in and yelled at me about it.  Roommate was understandably upset to come home and find such a huge gross mess.  Of course she did come home before 8am and I hadn’t been outside yet considering it was my day off and I slept in until 7:30 after being up so late because of the TORNADO WARNING.  She cleaned up for 45 minutes without coming inside so I didn’t even know she was home.  Then she came in and yelled at me!  Welcome home Roommate… it totally sucks because at 10:30 last night they were fine.  The wall was whole, there was no pee or poop anywhere.  I gave them their end of the night treats and turned on a radio for them to help drown out the storm noise outside.  None of that mattered because Roommate came home and thought (and probably still thinks) that I don’t take care of her animals while she’s gone.  If it was true then her disappointment and anger would be easier to deal with.  STUPID WALL EATING GOAT!  Who even owns a goat when they don’t live on a farm anyway?!?  Her house is in the middle of a suburb of BigCity. WTF?! Oh, yeah… following a trail of pee, Roommate also found a dead mouse.  Great.  Now there are mice in this zoo.

Now that the weather has calmed down I’m going to go get ready to go out with work friends for Mongolian BBQ!  It should be interesting and fun.  I still feel ready to cry.  I hate those stupid animals and Roommate.  I take such great care of them and the house and after a literal freak of nature suddenly I seem like a bad person.  By the way, she didn’t even ask if I was ok.  I wasn’t, by the way.  I was alone in a huge house with the air conditioning running because I’m not aloud to touch it to change the temperature even though I’m the only one actually residing in the house while there is pouring rain and crazy wind.  I slept in the bathtub because I saw something on TV once about someone surviving a tornado because they were in the bathtub.  When I went out to my garage I discovered the 1/4″ gap between the ground and the garage door had flooded into my area and soaked the floor rug I’d put down. This is awful. I hate living here.  I feel so crazy…