Rage Against the Dying of the Light

My dad has cancer.  Yesterday I spent 13 hours finding out my dad has cancer, waiting while he had a biopsy tumor extraction, and recovered from surgery.  Trying to process everything yesterday while trying to be strong, have courage, be brave, be a duck.  Water off a duck’s back, floating on the tumultuous surface, I don’t know. Trying to deal with it. Waiting. Waiting. Praying. Hoping. Coping.

 

Of all the things I’ve ever worried about in my entire life… my dad getting cancer did not make the list.  I am caught flat footed.  It takes the wind from my sails.  I am wholly unprepared for this.

 

I don’t know what to do, what to think. My poetry brain has kicked in to try and cope.  No drinking, smoking, self harm, nonsense or shenanigans.  Healthy coping mechanisms.  Read. Write. Create poetry.  Meditate.  Count.  Breathe. Breathe.  Breathe.  Remind myself to breathe again. Keep breathing.  Make lists. Shove the feelings down deep.  No, try to feel.  Nope, too hard to feel.  Ok shove those feelings away.

Hands shaking, anxiety weighted in my chest.

 

Realize: He found out last Friday.  Told my mom Saturday night.  Mom told Husband Monday night.  I found out Tuesday morning.  Why am I the last person to find out?  Bad enough it’s happened.  Now the lies.  Betrayal.  As if dealing with the cancer was not bad enough now I deal with deceit as well.  What do  I do now?  How do I start to deal with all this?  How do I cope? What do I do now?

 

Will I ever escape the rage I feel inside?

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Ending with Bliss

I’m married!  I’m now RealFirstName RealMiddleName NewRealLastName!!!!  We’ve had such a wonderful journey together and we capped it off with a wonderful wedding!  There were 98 people, a rocking DJ, excellent food, fabulous cake, amazing flowers, and Fiance/Husband!  Now, as I’m writing, I’m SO tired but I want to remember all the fun details about the whole weekend!  I’m not sure where to begin.  I’m so happy!  It was a beautiful ceremony filled with laughter and tears of joy!  Everyone had such a great time.  This event is the beginning of a New Chapter.  This journal is complete and I will begin a new one with my next entry.  This chapter has lasted three years.  I am once again in the space between chapters.  It is the breath before the speech, the start of the road towards happily ever after…

Brightest Side of Bright

So much has happened since my last entry!  (As usual!)  I filed for unemployment for my birthday.  It was extremely hard for me to do it but I’m glad I did because we need the money.  I should definitely have done it sooner!  I have been working for 10 years and never used it and that is what it is supposed to be there for… times when you are trying to find a job and are just unsuccessful. That about sums up what I’ve been going through.

I went on a bunch of interviews but it was all scams, collections, or a pyramid scheme!  I loathe people who take advantage of people who are already down!  I’m trying desperately to find a job and instead of real offers these fake scams keep targeting me and I keep almost falling for them!  It’s awful and scary!

Luckily I went on a real interview with a company that looks really interesting!  The position is an Inventory Administration.  I applied because I seemed uniquely qualified for the position with my past work history and my degree but I wasn’t too excited about it because I don’t want to go back to inventory… But I applied because I thought I could get it.  I hadn’t felt so great about an interview since my first job out of college, the warehouse job! I totally rocked the interview!  And I asked three different ways about the job to make sure it was actually interesting and computer based and not bin stocking or lame.  It really seems like the perfect fit for me!  It uses my degree AND my past work experience!  I’m SO excited!!! They called me back the next day and offered me the job!!!! YAY!!!  It pays a little bit less then my last job but that’s okay because it will not crush my soul!  Also it is Mon-Fri from 7-4!  And I will have my own desk and everything!  And there’s not even a ceiling support column sharing my desk space with me!  It’s a real whole desk!  Also- they are excited about my wedding!!  They wanted me to start that Monday and it was Thursday when they called!  I said yes and still have flexibility with my schedule and have time off for the wedding!  The job is awesome so far!  Lots of learning and organizing and data entry and cycle counts!  It’s like all the parts of my old job that I liked and I get paid WAY more to do it!  I really see this job as a blessing!  For the first time, I can see a future with a company.  I see myself on at least  a three year plan with them  It’s VERY exciting and doesn’t crush my soul!!!  Also, we totally live in the future!  There is some really interesting stuff going on at my company!  OMG! Also, on my 4th day of work, my boss’s boss let me know he volunteered me to look over the GIANT contract proposal people have been working on for months, because, you know, I have a degree in English and do technical writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WAS BLOWN AWAY by this!  My old jobs never volunteered me for anything positive or interesting!

I’m so happy!  I feel like a champagne bottle filled with joy and excitement!  What an incredibly positive feeling!  Finally, I feel like things are looking up.  I sort of feel like I’d hit rock bottom.  I plan on using ti to build a foundation for my new, more positive, and less stressed future!

Also, I discovered SMASH Books! They are totes fabulous!  It’s like starter scrap-booking for dummies.  And I love it because it is a junk drawer journal that is messy AND beautiful! ❤ So wonderful!

And my cousin is doing so much better!  She’s dealing with stuff now instead of just using distractions to avoid her feelings.  I believe we’re helping each other heal.  I appreciate her friendship a lot and I’m continually surprised by how awesome she is!

Also, she and my future twin planned me an EPIC bachelorette party!  It was super fun!  I dubbed all us ladies the “Glitteratzi” We were!  8 girlfriends plus myself and NO ONE puked, cried, or had drama!!! Everyone just had a fabulous time!  And, I got “exactly as drunk as I wanted to be!” Wooo!  What a party! I was still drunk the next morning at 6am!  LoLz!  I was hungover that afternoon though… ugh!  LoL It was still worth it!

I’m getting married next week! HOLY SHIT! I’m getting married.  Next week! WOW!  It’s hard to believe it’s finally here!  Time seems to have passed very quickly but it is strange because so much has changed in the time I’ve been engaged!  I feel ready for marriage and to “begin” our lives together.  I am also definitely ready for the wedding to be over!  It’s turned out to be nightmarishly expensive!  Also, people have gone crazy about it from the stress.  I just want the spending to stop and the love to flow like it used to!  My poor mom and mother in law… I am saying special prayers for their health and sanity and happiness!  The amount of money we’ve spent on the wedding is staggering…and beggaring… I literally don’t know how my parents have done it!  The final payment for the venue is due a week from tomorrow and we’ll need to “find” another few thousand dollars.

I wish my grandparents could be at the wedding.  My heart aches a bit with their absence.  Lots of other people are coming but I will really miss them.  They have always loved and supported me and Fiance. They actually knew he was the one even before I was ready to admit it to myself.  I hope we can travel like they have.  It is something I aspire to and admire about them.  Fiance and I can’t afford a honeymoon right now.  I had initially thought the wedding would be  a certain price.  It is more then twice that now so there is no way.  Fiance still never got his passport.  I’m still mad about it too…

We are talking about buying a house.  I don’t know if I want one or if I would rather travel, or if I want a newer car… The AC on my car is out.  It will cost $700 to fix.  All the money I’ve dumped into that car… I could have bought something new for sure.  I don’t really have a plan after the wedding past paying off the wedding and not doing more wedding stuff!  Maybe we’ll get a cat… I still would rather have a dog.

It feels like I’m nearing the end of another chapter in my life.  I can see the white space just ahead.  I am apprehensive and excited about it.  I will release the cork and pop/shoot my excitement and my joy into that black space that I can finally see is filled with optimism.

 

I am Strong Enough to Hold How I Feel

I can’t keep avoiding my problems and distracting myself from them.  I need to start actually dealing with them.  My cousin and Maid of awesome had a mental/nervous breakdown.  She started crying on Saturday and couldn’t stop.  Monday, they (Cousin and her boyfriend) took her to the behavioral health center and checked her in.  She is still there.  She will be there until Tuesday.  She has anxiety and PTSD and depression.  I’m so glad she is getting the help she needs!!! I’m proud that she was strong enough to get help.  She has asked me to help her too.  I went and visited her yesterday during visiting hours.  Bright-side of being unemployed: I can be there for my cousin. Today I went to the family group counseling session with her and I will go back for visiting hours this evening.  I will do the same thing tomorrow. 

I feel so much about this situation.  SO MANY EMOTIONS!  I’m scared and angry and nervous and confused.  I want to be there for her but I HATE places like that!  I hate seeing people dealing with addition because my mom isn’t dealing with hers.  I’m scared that when I’m in a place like that they’re going to look at me and see how broken I feel sometimes and think I need to go in myself!  I’m afraid as she gets better it will force me to deal with my own issues. 

What if I’m really not strong enough for my life?  What if I’m not strong enough?

People always tell me I’m brave, and have courage, and how strong I am.  I don’t feel that way about myself.  How is it strong to be near someone going through issues? I ugess it is because so many people abandon others in their times of need.  I just don’t know how they do it.  I am uncomfortable going to these events with my cousin, but she needs me.  It doesn’t matter how I feel because it will help her if I’m there, so it’s just something I have to do.  I bought and wrote in 11 greeting cards for her yesterday.  Today I bought her lotion and chapstick.  tonight I am bringing her tweezers and gum.  I love her and want to help her rediscover joy again.  I’ve so recently accepted joy back into my life I am going to cling to it. 

I keep turning my face into the sunshine and lighting my candles hoping to burn away the darkness.

 

Pi Dayand Bridesmaid Shoes

Shoes.  My future mother in law offered to buy my Brides Babe’s bridesmaid dress.  She called to talk with me about it and to ask aka demand about the shoes my two bridesmaids will be wearing.  I don’t care about their shoes! I really don’t!  A couple days ago I thought about the bridesmaid shoes and thought, gee I wonder if it would be cool if their shoes were the other color I haven’t got to use a lot yet.  And then I realized that I literally don’t care about other people’s feet.  All I want is for them to feel beautiful and comfortable on my special day so that they will also have a special day.  But no.  Nope.  That was too easy.  I couldn’t possibly just tell them to figure out what to do with their own hair, jewelry, makeup and shoes because then that would be too easy and putting too much trust into two of my favorite people, who coincidentally have been dressing themselves for more then 25 years each without any input or direction from me, whatsoever! REALLY?!?! SHOES?!?!!?  And yet I’m now filled with anxiety about shoes now.  It really is a ridiculous situation!  I wish she had a project other then the wedding to keep her occupied! GEEZ! 

 

 

Exit Maid of Honor

Today was a hugely intense day!

Today we FINALLY received our first proofs for the wedding invitations!  They were not quite right so we made some changes and hopefully will be able to send them out into the world by the 15th!

Today I also kicked my Best Friend (BF), my maid of honor, out of the wedding!  She has been a terrible friend in the last year.  Ever since she got a boyfriend.  Her first boyfriend ever, in fact.  Her secret boyfriend she couldn’t tell me about because he was married. Also ever since that fight we had about illegal immigration she hasn’t been the same.  Basically, she’s stopped talking to me since I’ve been engaged and that was almost a year ago.  We’ve talked -maybe- once a month.  We used to have standing Tuesday phone dates since we live across the country from each other and we would also text throughout the week.  I literally have not heard from her since January when I asked her to buy the specific bridesmaids dress my Maid of Awesome and I picked out.  All of my wedding planning books say to make sure the bridesmaids dresses have been purchaed by 3 months to the big day.

I’ve been more and more anxious and stressed about stupid BF and her dumb dress and breaking our friendship then I have been stressed by my mom or future mother in law!  I finally realized that I literally cannot deal with this much stress.  Not physically, mentally, or emotionally.  So I called her, texted her, and Facebooked her.  NO ANSWER!  I left messages with each form of communication that I tried asking if she had bought her dress yet. So since the last form of communication I had from her was a text message, I tested her again today asking her if she got my messages, and also her dress.

She FINALLY responded via text by saying, “No.  I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  I’m at the doctor’s office now but will try to call you later.”

It made me incredibly angry all over again. Now she’s seeing a doctor and didn’t even tell me she was sick?  Now I even feel guilty because OMG my BF is sick.  Then I remembered that I’ve been reaching out a few times a week since JANUARY so it’s not like she’s been too sick to respond even once.  Not. even. once. We have been friends since we were freshmen in high school.  We have been friends for 10 years.  We made a high school promise to be there for each other on our wedding days and I honored that promise and asked her to be my maid of honor.  She was so excited in that initial conversation and then everything just fell further and further apart.

She doesn’t want to be in my wedding and it doesn’t feel like she even wants to be my friend either.  So I gave it until after 5pm and called her again.  STILL NO ANSWER!

So I texted her, “Hi.  I know you are incredibly busy and have  a lot going on.  Maybe it was unfair of me to put so much pressure on you about the wedding.  Don’t worry about getting a dress.  I hope you can still come as a guest.  We;re still friends and I know if you could do it, you would.”

She called me two hours later and we talked for the first time in months.  She said she really can’t afford the dress and I said I knew and that it was ok and that I hoped she could still come to the wedding anyway as a guest. (It wasn’t ok and she could afford it.  She makes more then I did an hour at my last job and I made bank!  Also, I had already offered to pay for the dress five months ago and again three months ago, so that was a bullsh!t excuse!)  We talked for an hour and a half.  It was actually nice because I miss her!  I miss our friendship!I hope we will still be able to be friends and that she’ll stop being so selfish!

Also, exciting job prospect in the wings!  But I’m tired and going to sleep for the moment!  I think I may actually sleep tonight because as awful as this day was… at least now I know.  At least a decision has been made so I can move forward without something that should be so positive instead weighing me down all the time.