Downward Spiral

I think of myself as a writer.  I want to write.  My whole life, writing is a job I’ve never wavered from.  Now, I’m still unemployed and people keep telling me what a great opportunity it is for my writing.  It seems to be and yet I’ve done very little writing.  I’ve done lots and lots of reading and felt inspired to write, but the words get tangled in uncertainty before I get them down.  I just read a quote from Robin Hobb that writers always write what they know.  Maybe that’s my problem?  Maybe I’m feeling so low, uninspired, and uncertain that the writing could only share it?  I don’t know.  I know our money is running out.  Realistically I haven’t been looking for a job in the last two weeks.  I’ve dabbled in job searching and waited for something to come to me.  I had an idea about trying to get on at that study abroad company.  It seems interesting.  Really, I’m super worried about money.  I think I’m depressed.  I don’t want or care about any jobs I see online anymore.  I’ve lost my passion and my believe in myself.  I hope I find it again before things get really bad……

Time to Share the Writing

Today I took a step towards publication!  I have trended towards writing and keeping ti to myself, especially since the hyper competitive realm of being an English major.  I haven’t really shared any of my writing since… well it’s been a while!  I’ve shown Fiance my BigStory and talked about it with a couple other people but I haven’t’ had the trust to share it.  It takes a huge amount of trust to share your writing with someone.  You have to trust that they won’t steal it and that they will give you honest feedback.  I’ve reached a wall with my story.  I’m at a point where the outline is done.  There’s been major behind the scenes development of the world and the cultures of its people.  I’ve done character development.  I’ve written pieces scattered through at least four notebooks and across two mediums.  I need to put it together finally.  I need some direction.  I’m thinking I need a fresh pair of eyes to help me round out my narrative.

So, my mentor at work and friend outside of work, NK has been published.  He’s published a fiction novel.  In fact, he’s working on his second novel currently and he’s asked me to be one of his readers.  He’s also been pressuring me to share my writing with him.  I talked it over with Fiance and he told me to go for it.  He pointed out that I can’t get published if I won’t let anyone read my work.  I’m secretly terrified I write poorly, or worse- that I write drivel!  I don’t think I do, but I also don’t think I’m actually as good as I believe I am.  Well, all I can do is move forward and try and keep on revising.

So, I found the cancer story and read it and retyped it.  It’s good and with some polishing it could maybe get published.  I sent NK three of my poems and one of my short stories.  He said it was very nice and good stuff.  Today was riddled with anxiety but I did it.  I’m trying.  We will see how this whole sharing thing goes.  Head up and get it written so the world can see.  It’s just hard because I write my heart onto paper…