I am Strong Enough to Hold How I Feel

I can’t keep avoiding my problems and distracting myself from them.  I need to start actually dealing with them.  My cousin and Maid of awesome had a mental/nervous breakdown.  She started crying on Saturday and couldn’t stop.  Monday, they (Cousin and her boyfriend) took her to the behavioral health center and checked her in.  She is still there.  She will be there until Tuesday.  She has anxiety and PTSD and depression.  I’m so glad she is getting the help she needs!!! I’m proud that she was strong enough to get help.  She has asked me to help her too.  I went and visited her yesterday during visiting hours.  Bright-side of being unemployed: I can be there for my cousin. Today I went to the family group counseling session with her and I will go back for visiting hours this evening.  I will do the same thing tomorrow. 

I feel so much about this situation.  SO MANY EMOTIONS!  I’m scared and angry and nervous and confused.  I want to be there for her but I HATE places like that!  I hate seeing people dealing with addition because my mom isn’t dealing with hers.  I’m scared that when I’m in a place like that they’re going to look at me and see how broken I feel sometimes and think I need to go in myself!  I’m afraid as she gets better it will force me to deal with my own issues. 

What if I’m really not strong enough for my life?  What if I’m not strong enough?

People always tell me I’m brave, and have courage, and how strong I am.  I don’t feel that way about myself.  How is it strong to be near someone going through issues? I ugess it is because so many people abandon others in their times of need.  I just don’t know how they do it.  I am uncomfortable going to these events with my cousin, but she needs me.  It doesn’t matter how I feel because it will help her if I’m there, so it’s just something I have to do.  I bought and wrote in 11 greeting cards for her yesterday.  Today I bought her lotion and chapstick.  tonight I am bringing her tweezers and gum.  I love her and want to help her rediscover joy again.  I’ve so recently accepted joy back into my life I am going to cling to it. 

I keep turning my face into the sunshine and lighting my candles hoping to burn away the darkness.