Pi Dayand Bridesmaid Shoes

Shoes.  My future mother in law offered to buy my Brides Babe’s bridesmaid dress.  She called to talk with me about it and to ask aka demand about the shoes my two bridesmaids will be wearing.  I don’t care about their shoes! I really don’t!  A couple days ago I thought about the bridesmaid shoes and thought, gee I wonder if it would be cool if their shoes were the other color I haven’t got to use a lot yet.  And then I realized that I literally don’t care about other people’s feet.  All I want is for them to feel beautiful and comfortable on my special day so that they will also have a special day.  But no.  Nope.  That was too easy.  I couldn’t possibly just tell them to figure out what to do with their own hair, jewelry, makeup and shoes because then that would be too easy and putting too much trust into two of my favorite people, who coincidentally have been dressing themselves for more then 25 years each without any input or direction from me, whatsoever! REALLY?!?! SHOES?!?!!?  And yet I’m now filled with anxiety about shoes now.  It really is a ridiculous situation!  I wish she had a project other then the wedding to keep her occupied! GEEZ! 

 

 

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Bride’s Babe, Writer’s Embarrassment, and Gaining a Twin

Today I asked my future twin to be my “Brides Babe!”  She said yes and is excited!  I’m SO GLAD!  She is going to wear the same style dress as my Maid of Awesome but in blue! So now Maid of Awesome is going to be in purple, Brides Babe is going to be in blue!  Maybe I can get them to wear red shoes or something?  It is so awesome to finally be surrounding myself with positive people.  I really feel quite lucky that we are going to be twins.  I’ve never had a twin before but since I’m marrying an identical twin who also happens to be married we decided that it makes us twins too!  We’re not just sisters in law, we’re twins in law!  Sometimes we say something at the same time and then we both laugh and say that we are working on our twin bond.  🙂  It’s awesome!!! I’m an only child at the moment but after the wedding I will have a brother, a twin, and two younger sisters. OMG!

We also need to figure out what to do for our wedding favors.  And our honeymoon… Fiance still hasn’t’ gotten his passport.  I despair that he ever will.  I think once he travels, he will get the travel bug like me.  We just need to pry him out of his comfort zone the first time and make it happen.  I’m trying to write everyday.  Even if it is just in this journal, I am trying.  Even if I don’t feel that I have much to say, I’m still trying.

Today I bought a power suit!  A wonderful skirt, a long sleeved jacket, and a fun hot pink shirt.  All I need now is an interview… I really hope the bank calls!  I should also focus and apply to the study abroad company job again.  That still seems like such a great place to work!

I will end tonight’s post with a quote from Richard Castle, “I don’t believe in writer’s block.  I believe in writer’s embarrassment.  A writer is embarrassed by the drivel they’re producing.”  That’s the approximate quote because I couldn’t write it down fast enough to remember it exactly but I still love it! SO TRUE! I FREAKING LOVE THAT SHOW! OMG Castle is super amazing!

 

Moving Day

YYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY! Boyfriend moved to BigCity today!!!!!!  We have an apartment together!  It’s big and beautiful and I love it and I’m super excited!  Things are definitely getting better!

(Author’s Note:  While it was super exciting that we finally lived together reality is always shaped by perspective.  The above entry was written while on the triumphant high of being back together in a new place.  The other side of reality was that our wonderful apartment was in a terrible area of town which is why we could afford “such a nice place.”  We discovered the next day that sometime before we moved into the apartment someone had kicked in the front door and it had not been repaired properly.  The only thing between the door being open and closed and locked was the tiny bit of wood where the bolt goes into the frame.  The frame itself had a hole from where it had been kicked in.  I never truly felt safe after that first blissful night in our new place despite the three door locks we purchased and installed.  And for the record, no the office wouldn’t fix it because we had signed a lease and were now stuck.  The Bright-Side:  This apartment is where Boyfriend proposed and became Fiance! More on that later! ❤ )

Not an April Fool’s Day Prank

Living with a crazy lady for five months appears to have made me reckless.

I am now living with two guys BW (18, in high school) and CR (25, works at Website).  They are fellow nerds but also rock climb and do projects and drive motorcycles/speed bikes (ZK1490? Ninja and Kawasaki).

As living at Roommate’s became more and more awful, I stopped writing about it and telling people how bad it was.  After we agreed to extend our agreement, the situation rapidly deteriorated.  By the end of February I was ready to look for other options (as evidenced by my last entry.)  I began searching at the beginning of March and on 3/31 I moved out of Roommate’s and in with the guys!  I’m already SO much happier!  I have roommates!  They’re nice!  We’ve had dinner together my first two nights!  They helped me move in!  I have my own room with just stuff I want in it.  I can lock them out!  I get to keep things in the bathroom!  I get to keep things in the kitchen!  I have a closet!  I have a ceiling fan!  I have a fan that doesn’t squeak ALL the time!  I have a key to the house!  I get to sleep in the house!  If I did die in the garage, my roommates would notice!  There are no pets or crazy old ladies!  I only live 7 miles from work instead of 20 miles!  I won’t have to get up at 4:30 am anymore!  There are no pets!  I get to use the light switches!  I don’t have to check my bed for crickets before crawling under the covers!  I don’t have to wipe out the kitchen sink after using it!  I can throw away paper towels!  I can use their pool instead of just looking at the pool in the backyard!  I know how many people have access to the house!  I can turn off the TV!  I can take a hot shower!  I can get home from work and eat dinner instead of spending an hour feeding someone else’s pets!

I met CR three times before deciding to move in and BW only once.  I saw the house before agreeing and moved in four days later.  A week before that I learned CR was/might be looking for another roommate.

Tonight they took me riding.  We went 145 MPH!!! We also popped a wheely! (Author’s Note:  This is NOT an exaggeration.  Those things really happened (not at the same time. duh.)  Yep, I was definitely reckless!) I rode on the “world’s fastest production motorcycle!  IT WAS AMAZING!  OMG the adrenaline! WOW!  What a thrill!  I did really well!  It was a great roommate bonding experience!  We came home and I made cookies! …There is so much to say about all that has happened.  Most of me doesn’t want to remember any of it (despite the amazing story stuff I could get form it all.)

I keep procrastinating because I don’t want to sleep because that means I will wake up and have to go to work.  I will now go to sleep.  Perhaps when it’s not so immediate I’ll be able to document these recent events.

(Author’s Note: Nope.  Didn’t really happen.  I have happily let most of those shenanigans fade into the black hole of memory and time and occasionally will bring up a few stories if I’m quite intoxicated and asked directly.  Those stories do make a great comedic stand up act….)

Anxious Reality

I can’t sleep because I’m so anxious.  Things are not bright at the moment.  I have slept less than seven hours the last two nights combined because I’ve been so anxious.  Things that are bothering me/I’m anxious about include:

My dad’s health

My mom’s health

My parent’s relationship

Boyfriend

The Babies (Olddog and YoungDog)

My job

My health

My living situation

My car

Money

MONEY

So, there are other worries also, but these are the ones with resounding echos and repeats in my head.  I am writing them now to get them out of my head so I can try to sleep and let the echos bounce within the pages of my journal.

(Author’s Note: Sadly, I still worry about many of these things even though it’s been 3 years…  I dithered about whether to include this post or not on my blog because it’s very personal and it includes things I don’t like to discuss with people.  I finally decided to include it because I want this blog to be a place where I can be myself and if people in the world see that, even the dark parts, then that needs to be ok.  Maybe someone else with anxiety induced insomnia will stumble across this post and realize they are not alone and it might help them.  I don’t know because I sat down to enter this and read through it and got all anxious myself so hopefully it doesn’t make someone else’s anxiety worse!  I can’t worry about other people’s feelings right now.  It’s time for me to be selfish.  This blog is about me and my feelings.  I try to find the magic in the world because a candle loses nothing by lighting other candles.  I hope that if I go through life as a candle helping bring light to other people that maybe it will burn some of the darkness out of me where it hides because I try not to show it to other people.  I don’t want to add more darkness to the world.  I want to add light.  That’s why this post is hard to write and why I’m stalling by doing this Author’s Note… *sigh* No more excuses.  Here is a glimpse of the shadows flickering behind my light.)

My dad’s health:  My dad has back/spine/neck damage/problems.  Disks 3&4, 4&5, 5&6, 6&7 all have problems.  He was a landscaper his whole life and worked incredibly hard physically (and in general).  There are a few different causes but the terrifying reality is his severe pain and his inability to work like he has for his whole life.  He’s so hurt he can’t even really play XBox anymore.  That really sucks because that used to be his way of zoning out from the pain and giving himself a break.  He needs back surgery on his spine.  The kind where they go in through his throat and fuse his bones together with a metal plate.  He could have had the surgery 5 years ago and so it was that bad then but now its 5 years worse!  He’s scared.  He hasn’t told me that in as many words but I can tell.  He’s gone to a physical therapist and wants another option besides surgery.  There’s not really another option.  He’s scared for his quality of life as he gets older.  I’m scared for him too.

My parent’s relationship: I think both my parents are really depressed.  I worry that they might get a divorce even though they are getting along much better than they used to.  My dad’s unemployment is about to run out and my mom doesn’t make enough money herself to cover all the bills.  On top of that they have medical bills, 2 dogs, and no end in sight.  My dad really can’t work.  Between cutting out the hard or not at all physical labor and having to pass a drug test (he uses pot medicinally to help with his spine pain), things are looking quite grim indeed.

My mom’s health: I think my mom pretty much hates her job.  The nepotism at the library is so over the top I don’t know how she deals with it.  It infuriates me to hear some of the stories about her work.  I hear “library” and think “how awesome!  I’d love to work there!” but then I hear about what it’s really like and yeah it has really awesome elements but on the other hand people insist on doing things the same way they’ve always done them, just because they’ve always done them that way.  That’s not logic, that’s being stubborn and I don’t understand why people are so resistant to change if it’s helpful change.

Cousin: My awful cousin is FINALLY gone to boarding school so he is out of my grandparent’s home.  They seem to be going/have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY though.  When did that happen?  How did I miss it?  Oh yeah, I missed it because they’ve chosen that awful cousin over literally the rest of the family and pushed everyone away.  They are so hurtful and supportive and cruel to my family now and it breaks my heart.  They used to be so loving and supportive and held all sorts of family events and their home was a place of love and celebration.  Yeah, sometimes grandpa would get drunk and yell at everyone but once we got that out of the way the party could continue… “Poor AwfulCousin” is all they care about now.  They did not even get Christmas presents for anyone else.

My parent’s other property in NeighboringTown to HomeTown: Things keep getting worse there.  I still don’t really know just how screwed we are but the more I learn, the scarier it gets.  Every time we think we have good renters the jerks just come and steal them.  Literally they wait until a couple of months before their lease is up and go up to the front door and tell the renters that we are raising the rent (which is a LIE) and who knows what else.  Then they tell them that their property is just like this one and oh hey, is even cheaper a month (because it IS since the used the floor plans that my parents developed and bought the corner lot adjacent to this one that my parents were going to buy the following month and then built the same set up we have and instead of finding their own renters they keep stealing ours and undercutting the rent which they can afford to do because they can afford to do that.)  I really hate people.  I mean, who does that?  What sort of lifelong friend stabs you in the back over a piece of land in a town that looks like it will have good property values in a couple years but right now is pretty worthless and then continues to twist the knife at every opportunity?  I just cannot wrap my head around it!

I don’t have a safe/happy/good reality at the moment and even fiction stories are not helping me block it all out.

Today my mom told me they are considering bankruptcy. The unfairness of IT ALL strikes me and makes my throat ache.  My parents have lasted through cancer, cancer again, a kid (me), a kid going through college (me again), a home business that was on and off again, addictions, people screwing them over, so many obstacles and trying to invest and then cruel and deceitful people finally break everything.  It’s SO unfair!  I know the world is unfair but I don’t understand why bad things always seem to happen.  And why do they always happen at the same time too?  I’m almost paralyzed with fear for was.  What can I do to help?  What will happen to us all?

Pets: OldDog is so old.  He tired to jump onto my bed last time I was home visiting and missed.  That has never happened before.  I picked him up and held him and cried and cried while he licked my arm trying to comfort me.  He can’t help where he goes to the bathroom anymore.  It’s gross but he’s old and can’t help it and we still love him.  I don’t think he’s in pain but I’m terrified he is and I’m just not around enough to really know.  The time is approaching when we are going to have to decide if he needs to go to sleep.  I’m unsure and terrified of what will happen.  He’s been my baby since I was in third grade.  I already miss him so much because I don’t live with him.  I sometimes call the house when I know my parents are gone and leave a voicemail to the dogs telling them what good puppies they are and asking if they want a treat.  When my parents get home the dogs are all excited and barking and jumping around and they know its time to give them cookies cuz I left them a happy voicemail.  YoungDog is so dumb and has learned such bad habits from OldDog that I worry about what will happen to her.  She’s really sweet but such a spazz!

Boyfriend: Things with Boyfriend are alright.  We still love each other madly and are planning on our future together.  I can see now and I don’t know how to move forward.  I don’t know how to get to where I want to be.  There are no sure or right answers to these tough questions.  He has his stupid 6 month lease that he signed since I moved up here, his job that he seems to love (or at least really enjoy) that he is amazing at, and a car, and a life in CollegeTown.

Living situation: I’m in BigCity living with a grandma who’s never there, a goat, a cat, and two dogs that eat better then I do.  I work 10-12 hours a day at $10 an hour.  I can’t afford to move out of this house.  I don’t know if I even want to move out if I can’t move in with Boyfriend.  I can’t afford to live because I make so little money.  I spend a ridiculous amount of money on gas EVERY week because this place is so far away. It’s really super scary trying to make it on my own.  And I am because my parents are not really in a position to help me.  They say they can help if I need it but how can I believe them when they say that but then also tell me about all the financial worries they’re facing?  How do I go on with my family in so much trouble?  How can I just live down here and selfishly try to do what I want when maybe if I moved home and got a job it could help them out? What do I do if they are going to file bankruptcy?  Is it too late to do anything anyway?

Job: My job is SUPER boring and I HATE it!  I literally loathe it. I’m already bitter and it hasn’t even been four whole months yet.  Cycle Counts are interesting but I just need more money.  The Tech test is $130 and getting that much money seems hard to me! That’s pretty surprising because I thought it would be easier by far to move to that position.  The test itself is a lot of math and memorizing abbreviations.  I may get hosed if I do spend the money and then can’t pass the stupid test.

Car: My car is old and is my only mode of transportation.  I live too far from work in BigCity to take a bus or even a series of buses to get to work.  Also with my strange hours the buses don’t even run that early in the morning or that late at night if I was to switch shifts to night shift.  Troubling. It’s all troubling.

My health: My allergies are INSANE!  I have an allergy appointment on Wednesday morning with an allergist in BigCity instead of the one I’ve tried to still see in CollegeTown.  I don’t know the company name, address, or Doctor name at the moment.  I hope it helps me be able to breathe.  I don’t like being reminded of my serious problems with the most basic part of being alive (breathing)!

I took two Benadryl before I started writing this and am finally falling asleep!!!! FINALLY  I have friends but it worries me too.  I wonder about the future and can see where I want us all to be in that future but I don’t know how to make it happen. I wish magic was real so there would be an easier answer or at least more options.  I’ll write more later because I’m going to go sleep like a rock.

Holiday Highlights

Do I write to remember?  If I write, I will remember.  Do I want to?

Work has been a struggle.  The monotonous reality of bin stocking firmly settled into a draining pallor that clings to my life.

I have a job.  I make $10 an hour.  It is brain rotting, soul crushing, and boring.  I tell myself many things to make it through the 40 hours a week I am required to be at work.  It seriously sucks ass and I officially HATE it!  I haven’t been writing because I had such high hopes and instead I was, in fact, duped.

(Author’s Note:  Finally I realized the truth.  It took me two months to admit it to myself but even longer before I could admit it to anyone else.  The worst part was about two weeks after staring the Inventory job I received a job offer from a big retail chain in CollegeTown and I turned it down because I still believed this job would be like they said in the interview once I was “out of training.”  It wasn’t and I was no longer in training. Wondering about how my life would be different if I had accepted that job and left the garage is one of those pivotal decisions I occasionally wonder about.  Just how different would my life be right now if I had made a different decision at that particular junction?)

Unfortunately, I am grateful to have even this crappy job.  I’m positively affecting the universe in a very direct way…right?  The best part of my job…?  The days off- Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Years!  (All AMAZING by the way!  Nice Thanksgiving with the family south of CollegeTown with Aunt.  Dinner itself was a great happy memory.  I’ve chosen to forget BoardingSchoolCousin’s bull on his way to boarding school.  Christmas was also great, if too short.  I was Roommate’s Hero of Christmas because I found Zhu Zhu pets!!! I found $300 worth for her grand kids!  She was too busy to track them down because of her busy flight schedule but I had extra time and found and bought them for her!  I even wrapped them because I’m a spazz and love wrapping presents.  She said I was the hero of Christmas! I was happy to help!  I facilitated my parents gifts to each other with help from Boyfriend: colored XBox controllers!  They were a huge success and surprise.  I spent all the money I had plus $350 for Roommate on credit (that thankfully she just paid me back this morning), to try and facilitate a happy Christmas for as many people as possible.  I feel successful and happy!  This is the first time I haven’t been a student during Christmas and I have a full time job so I could afford to buy gifts for people!

My Mom and I got to go on one of our special shopping trips and we had a great time finding specials and thoughtful and unique gifts at Old World Imports!  It was a great gift and the Babies (dogs) had lots of fun too!  One of my favorite parts of Christmas was actually the week before.  Boyfriend came up and my Dad, Boyfriend, and I all made Christmas cookies.  We made them all- all the delicious recipes from my childhood that have been passed down since my Dad’s family moved to America from Germany!  It was amazing and my parents and Boyfriend got along so well.  It makes my heart sing with joy to remember… I didn’t have to miss anyone because my family was all in one place!

There was a negative incident with the car (’98 Chevy Blaizir with 4WD) on the way to HomeTown though… deadly storms across the state and I drove home anyway.  It was stupid to do.  I was foolishly overconfident and so lucky.  I skidded off the road 100ft into the snow and went backwards up a hill off the left side of the highway from where I had been driving in the right lane.  The tire blew out and it caused me to lose control of the car and the other tire went flat when I went off the road.  I was terrified but uninjured.  The car worked ok.  I was lucky not to roll the car or hit someone else… I was luck the idle arm connecting that tire had been fixed.  I’m lucky I didn’t go off the right side of the road which was a drop off point. I managed to get the car back on the road and drove 20 miles up the mountain and through town towards my parents house.  About two miles from my house the car just felt like it was driving wrong and the tires sounded really bad and I pulled into the parking lot of my old elementary school and called my dad to rescue me.  I got out and saw the damage to the tires and freaked out even more because I hadn’t realized just how bad they were and I’d been driving for so long on them.  There was no where safe for me to pull off and stop before I got into town and by the time I got to town I was so close to being home I might as well have kept going, so I did.  My dad came and met me at the school and changed one of the tires to the spare and added air to the other and I drove it the last few miles hole while he followed me with his hazard lights on.  The next day we took it into one of those tire places to get repared.  My Dad is so great at bargaining!  We got two tires for $67!!!  Yay lifetime warranty!  They initially were only going to pay to replace the tire that blew out.  Then my Dad pointed out that the other tire blew out as a result of going off the road from the blown out tire and they relented and fixed them both!  Boyfriend is buying me the front two tires as a New Year’s present and because he’s awesome!  Now all the tires will be good!

New Year’s was pretty fun.  It was the first time ever that I was not designated driver or with my family.  I got roaring drunk on five whole mixed drinks!  Boyfriend and his Twin and I all went downtown to a new bar in CollegeTown.  I told Boyfriend that we are moving forward in life and I don’t want to bring in the New Year with old “friends” aka people who treat me like crap.  He agreed wholeheartedly and so we celebrated with just us and his Twin, who is awesome!  We get along because we are both fiercely protective of Boyfriend. (I’ve decided life is hard enough without surrounding yourself with jerks and people who don’t believe in you and who always try to bring you down.)  The bar was lots of fun and I know this is going to be our year!  I’m ready!  I’m ready for the great job, the great place with Boyfriend in BigCity.  I’m finally ready to be engaged.  I’m ready to be happy. My New Year’s resolution: Be Happy.  That is my goal!

Poem Commentary

Author’s Note about Chose to Dwell in Smiles:

I wrote this poem on the anniversary of the day my mom’s cancer re-occurrence was diagnosed.  I was and am so tired of living with the fear that her cancer would reoccur again.  It is exhausting to carry so much fear around all the time.  I try to focus on the positive most of the time.  I read happy books, I watch happy shows and movies, and I hang out with people who remind me to dwell in smiles.  My mom is still doing great and her cancer is in remission.  In fact, she is considered cured again. 

She was first diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when she was 29 years old. I was two years old.  The doctors told her to make her piece with the world and that she had maybe three months to live.  She changed doctors and fought and fought and was in case studies for Tamoxifen and fought some more.  She was pronounced cured at 5 years and still clear and going strong 10 years later.  12 years after she was first diagnosed, her cancer reoccurred.  I was a freshmen in high school.  The doctors told her she would not live to see me graduate.  She fought the cancer off again and again she won.  I graduated early (just in case) and she came to my high school graduation and watched me walk across the stage.  She also came to my college graduation 4 years later. 

Author’s note within an Author’s Note: This year (2013) she will celebrate her 59th birthday.

Doctors don’t always know everything.  Sometimes miracles happen.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason and there’s nothing you can do about it.  Sometimes you fight with everything you have and you still lose.  Sometimes though, sometimes you fight with everything you have and it’s enough and you win, and you live.  Some battles are worth fighting. 

This is often my internal monologue: “I am strong enough to hold how I feel.  Emotions are fluid and always changing.  This too will pass.  I am strong enough to hold how I feel.